Dudley Smudley

About three years ago I was in a my favorite harbor pub just about thirty miles west of Portofino when the letters started to arrive. I love the Mediterranean but not the tourist spots so I am required to keep my location vague out of pure greed I keep this port in my bank of favorites, before the mass's find it and overrun it with high rises and timeshares...The reason I have not contacted the authority's about my 12th cousin's sudden disappearance, 12th cousin twice removed I if that helps clarify. Dudley you see is the oldest of my cousin's where I fit in is about 12Th, or there abouts once my fingers run out my math ain't so good.
My name is Bullet and I have been a member of The Down Younder Big Boat and Yacht Club for a number of years. although I keep to myself, people seem to remember me...I stand 3' 6" tall and I am a professional body builder. I suspect my cousin Dudley has been kidnapped, why? I have received ransom notes and such for the last three years but I am not one to open my mail and well Dudley and I never really did get along, he being a "tally" and all. He also wrote a Boating Tips Column which he had a habit of calling members out which did not win him many friends, Ihave come home to find Dudley and to revive the Tip column. I have asked around the club and even tried to raise the ransom money demanded by his kidnappers ($100.) but so far all I have been able to raise is about $3.27 and some aluminum soda cans which probably belong to the clubs recycling bin. The money thus far has not come from donors just what I could kick up in the gravel, what I call found ransom, so Dudly may be released at this rate by the next century. I talked to Curly Jones and he chuckled and dropped a liberty dollar in the portolet closest to the launching ramp and said " this would be a good collection pot for that @(($@$0 of a @#$%^ Dudley, I pondered digging into the depository but then thought better. I used my better judgement and jumped Mr Jones and gave him the noogy of a lifetime but then he turned on me quick as light and gave me a noogy, after about an hour of this nonsense we dusted ourselves off and eventually we shook hands and agreed that noogys were not the way to solve problems. We agreed to start a where is Dudley Fund and with the liberty dollar we have $4.27 towards the cause.I appreciate his efforts and If I have another confrontation with Mr Jones again I have shaved my head so I am noogy proof. I will be wearing my wrestling tights as well, (less to cling onto theory)so if you see a buff 3' 6" bald man in short tights with a muscle shirt, call me aside and give me a few pence to free my cousin Dudley, we all miss him and his tips...I on the other hand do have some tips of my own which I will share in his absence....
1: Never wrestle a 3' 6" body builder.
2: I am kinda new at this so I dont have a good answer for this one.

Artistic license

I heart wikipedia.

Artistic license, also known as dramatic license, is a colloquial term used to denote the distortion or complete ignorance of fact, or the changing of an established work that an artist may undertake in the name of art — for example, if an artist decided it was more artistically "correct" to portray St. Paul's Cathedral next to the Houses of Parliament in a scene of London, even though in reality they are not close together, that would be artistic license.

Another type of artistic license, poetic license (licentia poetica), refers to the ability of a poet to ignore some of the minor requirements of grammar for poetic effect. For example, Mark Antony's "Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears" from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar would technically require the word "and" before "countrymen", but this is omitted to preserve the rhythm of iambic pentameter. Conversely, on the next line, the end of "I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him" has an extra syllable because omitting the word "him" would make the sentence unclear, but adding a syllable at the end would not disrupt the meter. Both of these are examples of poetic license.

In summary, artistic license is:

* Entirely at the artist's discretion

* Intended to be tolerated by the viewer (cf. "willing suspension of disbelief")
* Neither "good" nor "bad"
* Useful for filling in gaps, whether they be factual, compositional, historical or otherwise
* Used consciously or unconsciously, intentionally or unintentionally or in tandem

Artistic licence often provokes controversy by offending those who resent the reinterpretation of cherished beliefs or previous works. Artists often respond to these criticisms by pointing out that their work was not intended to be a verbatim portrayal of something previous and should only be judged on artistic merit. Artistic licence is a generally accepted practice, particularly when the result is widely acclaimed. William Shakespeare's historical plays, for example, are gross distortions of historical fact but are nevertheless lauded as outstanding literary works.

Writers adapting a work for another medium, e.g. a film screenplay from a book, often make significant changes, additions to or omissions from the original plot in the book, on the grounds that these changes were necessary to make a good film. These changes are sometimes to the dismay of fans of the original work. For example, Peter Jackson's film versions of The Lord of the Rings, though adhering to the major events of J.R.R. Tolkien's books, contain various plot alterations and omissions that have upset devotees of the book. The films have nevertheless been acclaimed as an outstanding cinematic accomplishments, though many also remain critical of them.

Holiday Blood Sports

My brother Chuck said "I'll be damned if the family is going hungry this Christmas"? His voice sounded tired but proud, plus the static over the phone was horrible, seems he plugged into the neighbors access port on their new home , it was raining and he had used the plug wires and the muffler off the KTM he slayed to make the phone call "No G Man is gonna trace this call"...
He had sent me the photo via snail mail, taped to an envelope I had mailed him a, Christmas card on which he had written refused on so as to save postage. I asked if he had read what I had written him and he said, " what for,?you like the picture? I'm bringing home game and your sitting on your ass sending Christmas cards"! But Charles you are staying in Idaho this Christmas, so it is up to me to feed the family, we are having a shrimp boil and your going to be eating a motorcycle you killed from your own heard?
If there is such a possibility as exceeding the speed of light its the time it takes my brother to ignore me and move on to subjects that interest him, in this case how he out smarted the wily KTM. "Listen here little brother and I'll tell you how I done it...You see late one night I was pouring nutmeg laced water though my sinus's with my home made Neti Pot and all of a sudden it came clear to me, if I sneak out to the garage at night I can take off the distributor cap on the bike and it will not be able to run and I can get a clear shot and then, belly's full till new years!" "So I put on my favorite sweat pants that the Mrs. sewed tube socks to the feet so my little feet don't feel the chill of the Idaho winter, I hitched a couple of bungee cords to the pants Crissy cross around my neck and shoulders, they kinda rub but I have found that a little KY eases the friction,(I tell you I have a million uses for KY jelly and all I need to do is come up with one more and I got myself a book) I slithered out the garage and did my business. At first light I put on my hunting attire and lucky hat and sat in my stand across from the overhead door and waited...Finally the Mrs. came out and hit the door opening button and blam, blamblam! I shot the bike dead in its tracks. The Mrs. gave me one of her looks but then I climbed down from my eagles nest and explained my entire plan, she shook her head and told me that the poor bike did not have a distributor cap and would I please put the one back on her car so she could go to work, she then told me Nutmeg if taken in large doses was a hallucinogen and how many times did I Neti last night, I said somewhere around 70 times...She shut her door backed out of the garage shaking her head for I swear the entire time I could see her driving down the street and around the bend". So what are you going to do for Christmas this year I asked, "hunt, I love me some blood sports, have fun with your boil, put plenty of ointment on it." Thanks Chuckles and send recipes JW

Posted Under Duress

Lacking any original thoughts and what with McDougal offering to send me to the light if I did not post. I decided to do a holiday inspired post, one inspired from an email. Some call it plagiarism I call it kinda cute.

XMAS SONGS FOR THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED:

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooooh look at the
froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle, Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bell s, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
....

I Golf to my Own Drummer

I don't golf, I had a set of clubs years ago I traded my brother a slalom ski for, then later someone pointed out they were ladies clubs so I gave them to a lady, she thanked me but not much. Sure I tried the sport because that’s what men seem to do, watch sports and play golf. I just could not get the performance out of the cart I wanted and there is some sort of rule that dictates you cannot play from the cart, I modified some clubs so I could just reach down and flick the ball, pretty cool set up. I could score 300 easy on the first nine so maybe this is why it is outlawed. As the saying goes if golfing from your cart is outlawed only outlaws will golf from their cart.
Now to me a better sport would be to go to a park or private woods and hire a caddy to carry your beer cooler with salami crackers hot pepper cheese and other goodies to a scenic overlook of some body of water, preferably on a deck joined to a house with a big screen TV, hammocks, lounge chairs, grills etc. You and your "golfing buds, they could be chicks, oh yes many chicks" amble to the where your entire picnic would be laid out and high performance golf carts with roll bars would be waiting for your trek back to your designated driver. You snack drink beer and chunk rocks out onto the pond or ocean or some body of water. Scoreing coulkd be based on who can make the biggest splash, who can throw the closest to a floating log and so on, kinda make up the rules as you go along, kinda like I did when I played the golf of the mass’s. I dunno, just an idea same idea but less rules and me being a natural born scoff law this game appeals to me, hmmm think I'll do it I'll change the name to “fucking off”, which is the same basic meaning as golf but I don't want a mail box full of letter from copyright lawyers. I’ll be designing some courses soon, maps will be available for purchase paypal , money order or high performance “fucking off” carts with roll cages will be accepted . JW