Sunday, December 31, 2006

Dudley Smudley

About three years ago I was in a my favorite harbor pub just about thirty miles west of Portofino when the letters started to arrive. I love the Mediterranean but not the tourist spots so I am required to keep my location vague out of pure greed I keep this port in my bank of favorites, before the mass's find it and overrun it with high rises and timeshares...The reason I have not contacted the authority's about my 12th cousin's sudden disappearance, 12th cousin twice removed I if that helps clarify. Dudley you see is the oldest of my cousin's where I fit in is about 12Th, or there abouts once my fingers run out my math ain't so good.
My name is Bullet and I have been a member of The Down Younder Big Boat and Yacht Club for a number of years. although I keep to myself, people seem to remember me...I stand 3' 6" tall and I am a professional body builder. I suspect my cousin Dudley has been kidnapped, why? I have received ransom notes and such for the last three years but I am not one to open my mail and well Dudley and I never really did get along, he being a "tally" and all. He also wrote a Boating Tips Column which he had a habit of calling members out which did not win him many friends, Ihave come home to find Dudley and to revive the Tip column. I have asked around the club and even tried to raise the ransom money demanded by his kidnappers ($100.) but so far all I have been able to raise is about $3.27 and some aluminum soda cans which probably belong to the clubs recycling bin. The money thus far has not come from donors just what I could kick up in the gravel, what I call found ransom, so Dudly may be released at this rate by the next century. I talked to Curly Jones and he chuckled and dropped a liberty dollar in the portolet closest to the launching ramp and said " this would be a good collection pot for that @(($@$0 of a @#$%^ Dudley, I pondered digging into the depository but then thought better. I used my better judgement and jumped Mr Jones and gave him the noogy of a lifetime but then he turned on me quick as light and gave me a noogy, after about an hour of this nonsense we dusted ourselves off and eventually we shook hands and agreed that noogys were not the way to solve problems. We agreed to start a where is Dudley Fund and with the liberty dollar we have $4.27 towards the cause.I appreciate his efforts and If I have another confrontation with Mr Jones again I have shaved my head so I am noogy proof. I will be wearing my wrestling tights as well, (less to cling onto theory)so if you see a buff 3' 6" bald man in short tights with a muscle shirt, call me aside and give me a few pence to free my cousin Dudley, we all miss him and his tips...I on the other hand do have some tips of my own which I will share in his absence....
1: Never wrestle a 3' 6" body builder.
2: I am kinda new at this so I dont have a good answer for this one.

24 Comments:

At 10:33 AM , Blogger Lee Ann said...

Happy New Year Josh!
~xo
Lee Ann

 
At 10:40 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

lee ann: Same to ya and may your 007 Rock!

 
At 10:25 AM , Blogger Zen Wizard said...

$100?

I got a C-minus in Microeconomics, but aren't they going to feed him more food than that while he's a hostage?

 
At 4:18 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: Could you do the negotiating? If they of him no problem, I really don't like him, but it might be good juju if you talked sense into the kidnappers heads, or it could be Dudley pulling one of his stunts, trying bilk me for some beer money.Thanks in advance. JW

 
At 4:31 PM , Blogger Winters said...

Happy New Year, Josh.

I think "the Rock" would beat "Iron" Mike Tyson in a fight.

Because he's a good man.

 
At 5:21 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: I think Tyson would take the challange cause he love the rock himself...However he would then have his arse kicked by the in the flesh rock and whine about how he had been tricked, he thought ...nevermind Happy new year

 
At 7:43 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Happy 007 to you Josh. I think Dudly is scaming for beer money.

 
At 7:47 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

This post has left me strangely aroused.

 
At 12:33 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: Sounds like Dudley.

Erin: It has all the elements.

 
At 10:18 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Are you sure Dudly's your cousin and not your evil twin brother?

 
At 11:33 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toby: In my family he could be both.

 
At 7:20 AM , Blogger ~d said...

DOUBLE 'O' '7'

(shaken, not stirred!)

Happy, happy dude!

 
At 8:59 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

`d After bringing in 007 Williams Josh Williams is still shaking.

 
At 11:49 AM , Blogger ~d said...

(haha!)
I am glad I passed back by!
Happy, happy dude!

 
At 12:03 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

`d:Happy happy...

 
At 2:53 PM , Blogger ing said...

Tyson has a strangely whiny voice, does he not?

Josh, HAVE YOU HEARD ORPHANS, THE NEW TOM WAITS ALBUM? You've GOT to run out and purchase it, if you haven't already! Holy shite, it's AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
At 7:17 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ng: I love the Waits, and will purchase as soon as I get home from Arizona, come the 11th ish...Not sure if I will be incommunicado but I am going to Arizona this morning for a 5 day trail ride and I don't reckon I will be buying Cd's, just riding and talking about music, if I do end up at a good music shop I will but the CD on your review alone, otherwise, I need to figure out who to buy it through. A local shop and order it, Amazon who does not pay me for my reviews or visit my bro and sis and just record what we think it sounds like...I go bed now...Ing is in charge of my site until the 11Th and then I can pull the pieces together that she worked so hard to put together and tear them asunder, so as to suit my style....See y'all in about a week, ing don't make any typos is all I ask, you know how I am about typos...

 
At 7:42 PM , Blogger ing said...

I will try, Josh. I will do my utmost.

 
At 7:50 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: my best advice is run, there are some tuff folk that hang out around hear... Many thanks and soon all this could be yours!

 
At 11:03 PM , Blogger Mone said...

Happy New Year, have a save trip Josh :)

 
At 3:52 PM , Blogger Helen Mansfield said...

That is the greatest piggy bank I have ever seen. I need that, and a cookie jar that looks like a happy Budah.

 
At 9:44 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

MOne: Same to ya!

Helen: THe pig is the bomb!

 
At 12:41 PM , Blogger Winters said...

Have you been starving that piggy bank, Brother Josh?

Looks like he could murder a happy meal.

 
At 4:56 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: This pig is determined not to become bacon.

 

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