Thursday, December 07, 2006

I Golf to my Own Drummer

I don't golf, I had a set of clubs years ago I traded my brother a slalom ski for, then later someone pointed out they were ladies clubs so I gave them to a lady, she thanked me but not much. Sure I tried the sport because that’s what men seem to do, watch sports and play golf. I just could not get the performance out of the cart I wanted and there is some sort of rule that dictates you cannot play from the cart, I modified some clubs so I could just reach down and flick the ball, pretty cool set up. I could score 300 easy on the first nine so maybe this is why it is outlawed. As the saying goes if golfing from your cart is outlawed only outlaws will golf from their cart.
Now to me a better sport would be to go to a park or private woods and hire a caddy to carry your beer cooler with salami crackers hot pepper cheese and other goodies to a scenic overlook of some body of water, preferably on a deck joined to a house with a big screen TV, hammocks, lounge chairs, grills etc. You and your "golfing buds, they could be chicks, oh yes many chicks" amble to the where your entire picnic would be laid out and high performance golf carts with roll bars would be waiting for your trek back to your designated driver. You snack drink beer and chunk rocks out onto the pond or ocean or some body of water. Scoreing coulkd be based on who can make the biggest splash, who can throw the closest to a floating log and so on, kinda make up the rules as you go along, kinda like I did when I played the golf of the mass’s. I dunno, just an idea same idea but less rules and me being a natural born scoff law this game appeals to me, hmmm think I'll do it I'll change the name to “fucking off”, which is the same basic meaning as golf but I don't want a mail box full of letter from copyright lawyers. I’ll be designing some courses soon, maps will be available for purchase paypal , money order or high performance “fucking off” carts with roll cages will be accepted . JW

29 Comments:

At 8:48 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

I am going to found a new sport based on the usage of marital aids.

Interested in the inaugural games baby? Bring that hot pepper cheese.

 
At 8:57 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Erin: Count me in, so to speak...

 
At 10:03 AM , Blogger crabcake said...

Well it's about dang time you got back here.

I like the way you think. I've tried golf too. I thought you just hit the ball into a hole but nooooo. Ya gotta hold your hands on the club a certain way and keep this arm straight while ya bend that one.....ACK!

Gimme a good game of "fuck off" any day.

 
At 11:08 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

CC:I think "Fuck off" could become the great American pass time with the right promotion and stuff.

 
At 11:31 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters
Winters said...

What's a "birdie" in the game of "Fucking Off," dude?

Anyway, I've got my "Fucking off" clubs ready, and I look forward to giving "Fucking Off" a go, dude.

Does Tom Waits "fuck off" or does he prefer "slinging his hook?"

...To "Sling your hook" is a weird British expression, BTW. It means "to fuck off."

Happy golfing, brother...

10:09 AM
Delete
josh williams
josh williams said...

Winters: this is odd you are shown as first to comment but ...I'm confused. Sling your hook? Wonder if that is in reference to an anchor? I bet Waits Slings his hook. The great thing about "Fucking off" it requires no skill and little discipline.A birdie I believe is when you wing a bird while pitching stones in the water. If you get a birdie you have to take a drink, if you dont get a birdie you have to take a drink. Good questions and will useful in creating the manual.

 
At 11:34 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Excuse the last post I apparently published twice, but everyone commented on the second identical post and Winters on the first identical post, so I am not seeing double but I am confused.I deleted the least commented post copied and pasted Winters comment and my response...

 
At 11:39 AM , Blogger Winters said...

I'm here, brother. I said that. I don't what any of it means.

All I know is that Madame Erin O'Brien has a new game, and she's looking for pawns.

So just pass me the "chess" and the "hot pepper cheese" boards, and call me the cheddar horse...

 
At 11:48 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: It is done, sorry about the whole dual universe glitch.Keep your wits about ya, Erin has some tricks up her sleave... let the games begin.

 
At 3:16 PM , Blogger Toby said...

Golf clubs are as useful to me as a slalom ski. I golfed on a real course twice in my life. The first time when I was about 16 was at Panyack Park, in 9 I scored 65. That was after golfing for a few years in the makeshift course set up in the field behind my friend's house. The second time on a real course, Wind Point, I was about 25, I literally stopped counting and gave up after 300 in 7. I had heat stroke. That's part not knowing what I was doing, 95 degrees F and too many beers the night before.

Josh, stick to your watermelon fork plan before you venture on to this next endeavor. The world is waiting with open, sticky hands and arms. Besides, the last thing we need is more fake green space devoted to rich fat cats.

P.S. You reminded me of the time Billy, not the "make it hurt like billy," stole a golf cart to get home. Post coming soon.

 
At 3:33 PM , Blogger Vote McDougal said...

When I was in high school, we used to play a fun game we called "urban golf." This game was played, as the name implies, not on some special course, but within our neighborhood. It was really more of suburban golf, but urban sounded cooler. We used a battered old set of clubs we found in the trash. It could only be played after dark, the later the better. Oh, and instead of a ball, we would use our neighbor's lawn ornaments. You got more points if fragments of an ornament hit the house. The object was to break as many lawn ornaments as you could before they turned the lights on, at which point you had to run like hell before the cops showed up.

 
At 4:35 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: The Watermelon fork scheme...invention never really took off so I had to chose golf, golf has a weird way of scoring, sometimes I think its intended to have the weak off themselves. Had I been weak I would have been worm food years ago...

McDougal: That is truly the spirit of sport.You use all your God given senses. Hand eye coordination, spatial coordination, deceit, fight or flight ability, choosing the correct victim ability , how to choose the correct shrub to piss on etc…

 
At 7:01 PM , Blogger Candace said...

I think a combination of the Fucking Off game and Erin's marital aids game would be my sport of choice.

I had hot pepper cheese tonight. It had to be fate.

 
At 4:51 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Candace: I have finished the rule book on fucking off, the hardcover edition.The cover is black with Gold Embossed letters....Fucking Off the rules. It comes with a pencil and 500 blank pages, you make up your own rules and you can change them by either crossing out rules or just erasing them, its kinda complicated but I think I have most of the bugs worked out. Hot Pepper cheese is the bomb!

 
At 6:16 AM , Blogger Zen Wizard said...

That picture is, like, 50-year-old white guy porn.

 
At 5:06 PM , Blogger Satan said...

i am going to sign up for obriens sport

why do they call them marital aids

i would prefer to call them extramarital aids

who wants to use that shit with your wife when you can stick it to a hottie like obrien

 
At 5:18 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Satan: Honestly I do not have all the answers.

 
At 5:21 PM , Blogger Vote McDougal said...

They call them marital aids because right now "the silver bullet" is the only thing keeping your wife from walking out the door.

 
At 6:17 PM , Blogger Lee Ann said...

That is a cool course!

 
At 6:44 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Lee: They made me wear a safty line...Even in my cabin...

 
At 8:51 PM , Blogger ing said...

Is not the salami a sufficient marital and extramarital aid? Must we marry said salami before we can answer that question ethically?

Just wonderin'.

 
At 4:59 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: I defer to the ladies, but I have never heard of anyone marring a salami, so its the extramarital deal may be the way to go,especially if the salami wants you to sign a pre-nup.

 
At 3:05 PM , Blogger Tom Bailey said...

I like the picture in the blog. It reminds me of a company that I was involved with that made biodegradable golf balls that cruise ships used. I never knew there was such a requirement or something like that existed.

This is a great blog. I am a first time visitor here.

http://sms100.blogspot.com/

 
At 3:12 AM , Blogger Mone said...

I would like to marry a cucumber!
Nuff said!

 
At 5:27 AM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Someone needs to do a new post.


Hint: it's not me...

 
At 5:42 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Frineds:OK since when is sloth a sin? I've been watching Fox news for six solid hours and nothing about sloth being a sin. I'll post whenever I get off eerrr sit on me arse and post.

 
At 5:44 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Mone: Before you jump the gun you might consider the noble eggplant.

 
At 7:23 AM , Blogger Winters said...

Has your nemesis Paul Bunyan kidnapped Molly Bloom, dude?

Or have you buried her in a golf bunker?

 
At 10:05 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: BUnyans still in the high security drunk tank, Molly is not hiding here.Some sort of govermental agency is holding her for offering a venue for what apperently is illegal, dueling.

 
At 4:24 AM , Blogger Forty_Two said...

I would like to serve on such a ship.

 

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