Sunday, December 17, 2006

Holiday Blood Sports

My brother Chuck said "I'll be damned if the family is going hungry this Christmas"? His voice sounded tired but proud, plus the static over the phone was horrible, seems he plugged into the neighbors access port on their new home , it was raining and he had used the plug wires and the muffler off the KTM he slayed to make the phone call "No G Man is gonna trace this call"...
He had sent me the photo via snail mail, taped to an envelope I had mailed him a, Christmas card on which he had written refused on so as to save postage. I asked if he had read what I had written him and he said, " what for,?you like the picture? I'm bringing home game and your sitting on your ass sending Christmas cards"! But Charles you are staying in Idaho this Christmas, so it is up to me to feed the family, we are having a shrimp boil and your going to be eating a motorcycle you killed from your own heard?
If there is such a possibility as exceeding the speed of light its the time it takes my brother to ignore me and move on to subjects that interest him, in this case how he out smarted the wily KTM. "Listen here little brother and I'll tell you how I done it...You see late one night I was pouring nutmeg laced water though my sinus's with my home made Neti Pot and all of a sudden it came clear to me, if I sneak out to the garage at night I can take off the distributor cap on the bike and it will not be able to run and I can get a clear shot and then, belly's full till new years!" "So I put on my favorite sweat pants that the Mrs. sewed tube socks to the feet so my little feet don't feel the chill of the Idaho winter, I hitched a couple of bungee cords to the pants Crissy cross around my neck and shoulders, they kinda rub but I have found that a little KY eases the friction,(I tell you I have a million uses for KY jelly and all I need to do is come up with one more and I got myself a book) I slithered out the garage and did my business. At first light I put on my hunting attire and lucky hat and sat in my stand across from the overhead door and waited...Finally the Mrs. came out and hit the door opening button and blam, blamblam! I shot the bike dead in its tracks. The Mrs. gave me one of her looks but then I climbed down from my eagles nest and explained my entire plan, she shook her head and told me that the poor bike did not have a distributor cap and would I please put the one back on her car so she could go to work, she then told me Nutmeg if taken in large doses was a hallucinogen and how many times did I Neti last night, I said somewhere around 70 times...She shut her door backed out of the garage shaking her head for I swear the entire time I could see her driving down the street and around the bend". So what are you going to do for Christmas this year I asked, "hunt, I love me some blood sports, have fun with your boil, put plenty of ointment on it." Thanks Chuckles and send recipes JW

19 Comments:

At 5:39 AM , Blogger Zen Wizard said...

I think he should take up a less violent sport like "shotgun bowling" or "leaf blower hockey."

 
At 8:19 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: The boy has the taste of oil, once you get the taste of oil thats all she wrote.

 
At 2:21 PM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Nutmeg is a hallucinogen? That explains a lot. I once saw McDougal do a line of nutmeg off a stripper's ass, which I thought was a little odd. He told me it was for "holiday flavor." It was Christmas eve, after all...

 
At 3:09 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Friends:Actually according to a friend of mine in large quantitys it is...In college he took a course in drug abuse or some such and read about Nutmeg so he ate two cans one day and said he lost about a week. He said one minute he was watching Opera and then time would fly and the next thing he new it was the next day and he was watching Opera in his dorm room. He missed a week of class's. He wrote a paper on the experience but the prof. gave it a thumbs down? True, true.

 
At 7:52 PM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

I'd say something smart to defend my self, but I can't remember my pass word or user name and had to do a search even to find My Mule, it's right after My Mulatto.
Any how, that's all bull plucky about shooting the bike in the garage, it was not even circling in the yard. It was running free on the foot hills of the Tetons. I shot it at 300 yards! Yes, there were 300 trailer homes in those yards, but I got a clear shot off between the swing sets and mini sheds. One shot, dropped in it's track. By the time I got the golf cart down there, neighbor hood kids were crawling all over it pulling wires and wiping exhaust grease on thier upper lip making little Hitler mustashes. I was only able to take two of them down before they scattered.
Before I could finish with the photos, angry parents came marching up wanting to shoot thier children also. "Have you ever lived in a trailer home with these awful children! Shoot em, Shoot em now!"
"Damned reservation! Every one of those kids is worth $1,357 a month! I can't kill them."
"Hell no! Don't kill them, just wound them so they will settle down a little, it's the formaldhyde fumes, makes em crazy! Crazy as Gran Ma on her wiskey!"
This was all going on off camera while Ansel took this shot. I'm going to get a coffee cup made with it printed on it, maybe a T shirt and calander, key chain etc. You can buy them on my e-bay site. Killers wounders shooters and a pack of gum.
Mom

 
At 5:12 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Mom: So you told me the truth and then this is the publics story. I'm OK with that. Yep there is enough formaldhyde in trailer homes that soon as the American public grows larger (girth) they would make great coffins, no embalming required its all in the air. Hmmm me think me smells a patent.

 
At 11:04 AM , Blogger Winters said...

Maybe your bro' could hunt me some cannibal, dude.

Or maybe some wild peanut butter sandwiches.

Or Bambi? Yeah, let's kill Bambi again. Bambi's like Kenny from South Park.

 
At 12:18 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: I would ask but he as a rule never kills more than he can eat, and his appetite knows no bounds...Cannibal? He would be the first to turn, I've seen the look in his eye in slow traffic!

 
At 5:24 PM , Blogger Me said...

And?

 
At 5:30 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Bostick: and...we all lived happily ever after. The ones who were not cannibalized which should go without saying.

 
At 7:29 PM , Blogger Candace said...

I have cannibalized aircraft, but never a person.

I think the KY book might do well packaged together with your Fucking Off rulebook.

 
At 9:24 PM , Blogger Mone said...

Merry Christmas Josh :)

 
At 5:08 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Candace, the KY Book is my brothers he is just looking for one more use so then he can call it "One Million and One uses for KY Jelly" However I may try the duel offer, on my television infomercial.

Mone: As we used to say in the states ditto!

 
At 3:23 PM , Blogger Toby said...

"Nutmeg if taken in large doses was a hallucinogen"

Josh, you're a nutmeg. It's funny how our governemnt will outlaw things that are easy to get high with, but not the ones that will make you think twice about doing a second time.

For the record, no I never tried it. I'm fortunate enough to sometimes beleive what I read, and that bit of knowledge plus a whole lot more came from a book titled "from chocolate to morphine."

 
At 6:18 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby:All poor grammer aside, it is for true about the nutmeg, and I suppose if someone wanted to distill the agents, you would not have to eat two cans to achieve the desired affect. I dunno, I just recount. Holiday Blessings JW

 
At 9:52 PM , Blogger ing said...

Wow, your sinuses must be clean as a whistle? Perhaps you know that if you smoke fifty pounds of banana peels, you'll experience what your friend Donovan sang about in Mellow Yellow?

Merry Xmas!

 
At 4:46 PM , Blogger crabcake said...

Merry Christmas, Josh.

 
At 7:05 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

CC: Thnakee! Same to you!

 
At 7:51 AM , Blogger Lee Ann said...

Merry Christmas!
Have a safe and joyful holiday!
Love,
Lee Ann

 

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