Sunday, April 09, 2006

Toughest Man On Earth


Now that I’ve spilled the grog and ye all know I am a sailor, agreed a sailor of pitiful skills ye must know this does not exempt me from the license to yarn. So being a sailor no matter how unskilled grants you poetic license. Grant it I do not right like a poet and my style is something that could be used to induce vomiting. I defer to a excerpt from a famous letter reviewing a certain book and author who I will not name but if you guess you win a wonderful prize. Toilet you are not allowed in this contest.

"As it is, she has written so well, and marvelously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer. I felt that I was simply a carpenter with words, picking up whatever was furnished on the job and some times making an okay pig pen. But this girl who is, to my knowledge, very unpleasant,... can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers".

Me I cant even nail together a cage for a bilge rat but the point is I am as a sailor allowed to spin yarns, I never preface a story with "I’m going to spin a yarn" that is for the other sailors and rummies who are jealous of my yarns.

I make no bones about it I am the toughest man alive.I have been asked over the years if I could beat up for example Mike Tyson or if I could beat up Steven Segal, the answer has always been yes. Now I have grown bored with this answer and have developed a rough chart on people I can beat up, some are easy some take time. Now if asked if I can beat up someone I tell them yes and how long it would take. At the top of the list I am going to place the Incredible Hulk, I ran the numbers and it would take me 4 hours to beat him up.
1. Incredible Hulk : 4 hours of good old fashion street fighting, but in the end I would exhaust him and be declared the winner.

2. Evangeline Lilly : 3 days . Not really a fight but I would sure be spent after the engagement.

3. 300lb Giant Lobster: 2 days in his environment 2 minutes in mine.

4. Superman: He is a fictitious character so I will not dignify this with a response.

5. Sylvester Stallon and Tom Cruise teamed: Well this is tricky cause in real life about 30seconds but also in real life I might have a little fun with them first. I would climb up on my dining room table and pull up all the chairs with me and sit on one and watch while the two circled trying to figure out how to get up to my high perch. Stallon would eventually tie a rope to Cruise and through him up on the table and then climb up the rope afterwards. I wold then take the two by the scruff of their necks and drop them in a huge aquarium with a giant 2 lb. Lobster and lots of prehistoric decorations, big little boulders, big little fern trees and so on. Then comes web cam and a reality blog of Stallon and Cruise living together in a prehistoric land with a giant lobster. It would be so cool to see Cruise in the lobsters pinchers crying like a little baby scientologist. It would be a smash hit, not to mention a money maker…Don’t let me forget this idea.

6. Kodiak Bear: 2 Hours It would be a challenge but I think I could take him in two.

7. BlackBeard: We have agreed not to fight even if he were alive.

8. Arnold: 3 minutes just so he can save face. I want him to run for re-election cause he talks funny and his wife skelator freaks me out. I am not saying I want him to win I am just saying I like to here him talk funny.

9. Steven Segal: 3 seconds .Steven Segal is a puss.

10. My brother toilet. All I would have to do is tell him a Pecan Sandie’s cookie factory burnt down and he would collapse as if hit by an anvil.

In my past life I was a street tuff, muscle for hire if you will, but those days are behind me, its ole turn the other cheek JW…However if there is money involved?

54 Comments:

At 9:45 AM , Blogger madman said...

Who's Steven Segal?

 
At 9:57 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

MM: One of those Hollywood karate weenies.

 
At 2:34 AM , Blogger Roscoe said...

You’ve met many a character and destroyed many a foe. The likes of ferret legers and snooty Frenchmen tremble in your wake. It should not be necessary to remind anyone of who’s military cunning brained up the victory in the Great Mole War of ’06 and, you hold the respect of McDougal – RARE.

I reviewed your list of “Toughest Man on Earth” and laughed until I stopped laughing. What a bunch of flowers you have gathered. (I admit, I too would lose a wrestling match to Evangeline Lilly and call it victory.) Form a line from the Incredible Hulk to Steven Segal and ALL, including you, will fall when you meet the South African Honey Badger.

 
At 3:58 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Roscoe: Funny you should mention Ferret legging, I used to Honey Badger Leg back in the day just for kicks.
Now I copied and pasted from a website on Honey Badgers that sideswipes you challanger, thanks for the effort and keep trying.

Far from being the "meanest animal in the world", visual observations revealed a medium sized carnivore (6 -12 kg) that avoids confrontation with its main predators, leopard and lion. When challenged at close quarters, the relatively slow moving honey badger does put up a formidable display which includes the release of a strong scent from their anal scent glands, a loud "rattling- roar" and rushing movements towards the potential enemy whatever its size. But invincible, with no natural enemies? Certainly not. One Josh Williams of Indianapolis well known in South Africa as being the Toughest Man in The World has, developed a tasted for Honey Badgers and is said to freguently hunt them in the buff and then grill them on the barbie for all those interested. It has been documented that he saves the anal scent glands for himself for "research" . Little more is known of Mr. Williams other than he has gained the respect of not only South Africa but the entire continent of Africa. Much can be learned from this remarkable man and this researcher is seeking a grant to study The Toughest Man in The World.
Louise Leaky VI

Put that in you pipe and smoke it, I have documented proof that scientists are talking about me!

 
At 6:46 AM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

The Pecan Sandies factory burnt down! Which one? THe Buffaloe plant where they crush all the pecans, or the Toronto plant where they produce that delicious Sandie stuff. Quick tell me, before I faint! Not the assembly plant in Memphis! No, say it ain't so! Lucky for me I have a closet full of them, not to mention a belly full too!

 
At 9:24 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toilet: Rest easy Pecan Sandies are still in full production, but thank you for illustrating my point.Did you know that one of the secret ingredients of Pecan Sandies comes from the anal scent glands of a South African Honey Badger?

 
At 5:29 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Even the toughest man in the world has no control over blogger. I just read my post and see so many words that may be spelled correctly but in the wrong context. Blogger will not allow me to correct. Please dont hate me because I post before its time , just hate me because I am full of myself and my ability to beat all on the field of battle of the fists.
As for McDougal I just think he respects me because he has not killed me yet, at least thats my theory.

 
At 3:30 AM , Blogger Roscoe said...

Cough! Put in my place, I guess. I have done some Honey Badger research myself. (See www.wildwatch.com)

It will attack any animal, no matter how big or dangerous its adversary. . . . And woe betide the male assailant! According to folklore (and backed up by some circumstantial evidence), the Ratel goes for the scrotum when it attacks large animals (bull Buffalo, Wildebeest, Waterbuck, Kudu, Man) that offered real or imagined provocation. In the Kruger Park, adult male Buffalo, Gnu and Waterbuck have been found dead from loss of blood after ratels attacked them in the scrotum.

Its no wonder you walk funny.

 
At 3:55 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Robert Ruark - (1915-1965)
His last book The Honey Badger

I read Uhuru some years ago, African big game hunter, very big Hemingway influence. I then heard of his last book The Honey Badger and did a little research myself, so Roscoe you did not sideswipe me, my knowledge and understanding of the Honey Badger is profound. I ran the numbers and it would take me about 45 minutes to beat up a Honey Badger, case closed. I am impressed with your choice of animal, they are real bastards but armed with knowledge and the ability to exploit your adversarys weakness is the key to remianing the Toughest Man on Earth. My scotum is in pristine condition if you must know.

 
At 4:07 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

I think its cool if you live in the UK and google

edward penishands downloadable video

That My Mule is 2nd on the list of sites to visit! Poor limey looking for a little porn and finds himself embroiled in a mature discussion of the illusive Ratel!

 
At 4:54 AM , Blogger kellywalters said...

me.. you couldnt kick my ass honey..

come and give it a try..

 
At 7:14 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Roxi: I don't fight ladies.

 
At 5:06 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Blogger will not allow me to correct typos mispellings bad gammer and shit,. Blogger is on my list. I am on the verge of giving up the whole tuff guy business, it just does not prove to be a challange anymore. Blogger on the other hand, this is personal...

 
At 8:42 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Hulk: Dude doesn't have much stamina does he?

Evengeline Lilly: Yeah, what's so tough about her anyway? I say she'd go down after your first blow.

Giant Lobster: Impressive.

Superman: Well if he actually existed, you wouldn't even break a sweat beating him up on his home planet. Without good ole Sol he's nothin'.

Tom Cruise: YEAH!!! KICK HIS ASS!!!

Sylvester Stallone: I swear that dude's got Bell's Palsey.

Kodiak: Poor bear.

Bleackbeard: Truces are good.

Arnold: Yeah he shouldn't be too tough considering how short he actually is.

The Terminegger's wife: Didn't she star on He-Man?

Steven Segal: He doesn't even do his own stunts, does he.

Toilet: I'm starting to have childhood trauma flashbacks...

 
At 9:02 PM , Blogger ing said...

Okay, Toilet you could defeat. If he wore the yellow sundress and bonnet, you could do it. Giant lobster? Well all right, I'll give you that. But Tom Cruise and Sylvester Stallone combined? Josh, you are one talented book reviewer and the resemblance to Sean Connery is uncanny, but please don't go bragging up the impossible. I mean, Tom Cruise has TEETH. And he's manic as hell. Whether or not Stallone is backing him, Mr. Cruise has insane powers of creepiness.

 
At 10:49 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Yes, Ing is right. Cruise IS manic and has the teeth of a badger.

 
At 3:19 AM , Blogger That's Mr. McDougal, to you, punk said...

That review is Hemingway. Is he talking about Fitzgerald. Knew them both. Hemingway was tough too, of course. But he cried when he ate my pasta salad. I think it's OK to cry when it is not because you are sad, but because you never knew there was so much beauty in olive oil.

(As dictated to Red Cross volunteer Anne Marie)

 
At 4:00 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Le: Very thoughtful assessment, thank you for the time and input. More later.

ing and Le: Yes Tom Cruise has insane powers of creepiness and he has the teeth of a badger,but...OK its common knowledge that years ago against my will, my parents had my fart glands removed. My special interest and collection of Honey Badger Anal Scent Glands has proved to be fruitful (wrong word). I replaced my missing fart glands with the anal scent glands from a Honey Badger. I may be an abomination of nature but who better to kick Tom Cruise's ass? I'll give him the ole one two with my little Honey Badger secret weapon.Half human half Honey Badger anal scent gland, thats me alright!

Tuan McDougal: The review part sir you are correct it was Hemingway however Fitzgerald (F Scott or Zelda)was not the female author he was smitten with. However for your efforts I have the anal scent gland of a South African Honey Badger and instructions on how to install them on your person. Consider this a consolation prize and thanks for not killin' me in front of all these people.Could you send me the recipe for your pasta salad.

Now Mr McDougal quite accurately deduced Hemingway, the grand special prize goes to whoever can name the female to whom he is referring.

 
At 10:40 AM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

I'm pretty sure Hemingway would have referred to Fitzgerald as "her" quite often ... As the latter was quite the dandy ... err ... fancy lad ... err ... "girl."

Please, Josh ... let McDougal have this one ...

I'm serious.

It's best for everyone.

 
At 11:01 AM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Was it Martha Gellhorn?

 
At 11:06 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Friends: I did some more research and I'll be damned! It was Fitzgerald! That McDougal he's always right! I'll be dipped in shit! My bad. Now for the final prize you win my patent for the super sized toilet.Toilets for the people out there who where out plungers,a toilet that you could flush a body down, its a gold mine and its Mr. McDougals...Congrats and thank him for playing JW

 
At 11:07 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Le: Nope, great guess keep on trying.

 
At 11:08 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Correction : for people who wear out plungers.

 
At 4:22 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:24 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

You know, Nikki Cox also has teeth like a badger and a jaw big enough to evelop and crush your skull... do you think you could survive a fight with her??

 
At 5:59 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Le: Given time and patience, yes. My session, eerrr...fight would sure take a few hours than ole chopper mouse Cruise but I could take her yes I could I could take her...Did I tell you I could take her? I meant it,big time!....Hmmm maybe we should stage a a encounter between us, just so you could see I was NOT "all hat and no cattle". My Best JW

 
At 7:57 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Uhh... dude, I don't think she'd be THAT much fun... She might pull a badger and bite your balls off. ...albeit inadvertantly...

 
At 4:32 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Le: I think I get it, after reading your comment. I will turn the other cheek if she goads me into a fight,I dont fight womens. Thanks for keeping me safe. JW

 
At 2:02 PM , Blogger Roxi said...

Josh....

someone hacked my blog.. then deleted it and my account.. had to start all over.. * sigh*

will you kick thier asses for me??

please?? pretty please?

 
At 5:08 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Roxi: I'll put my best guy on the project of tracking down the hacker. All I need is an address, my guy should have it in a third of a fortnight. As for my site it is not that much of a target for hackers cause I normally ruin the thing myself. I guess I beat them to the punch, better me than them I suppose. As soon as I get an address I'll hop on my Lawn Boy and head that way. Best of luck JW

 
At 8:59 PM , Blogger ing said...

Hemingway wept manly, gravel-shaped tears that crunched underfoot.

This, according to F. Scott. Just in case you didn't know. It's okay for a man to cry as long as his tears are hard as rocks.

Josh, how do you think you'd fare if you had to fight two ladies? Say, Martha Gellhorn and Beryl Markham?

 
At 10:17 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Josh, wise choice my friend.

Ing has an interesting idea. Do you think your morals would allow you to fight two female corpses?

 
At 4:30 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: I would not stand a chance. Beryl would quite simply fly her Gypsy Mouth right into the top of my head! She would bail before impact thus saving herself.Oh and a quite golf clap for winning the contest. (Hows that for a prize?!)As for Martha she would just do an expose on me and my strange habits and I'd be whuped.

Le & ing : This is why I don't fight women, they dont use their fists they use their brains and thats not fair as far as I'm concerned!

 
At 7:19 PM , Blogger ing said...

A golf clap? Sheesh, I thought I'd cleared up my case of golf clap when I dumped the high school valedictorian (my date to the senior prom & captain -- honest! -- of the golf team). At least it wasn't the syph.

Josh, if I don't manage to lure my Beck (I'm seeing him on May 25th), if Matty doesn't become my man-bride, I will accept your hand. As long as you concede that I can kick your ass. Without Martha G. or Tom C. watching my back.

'K?

 
At 3:15 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Golf clap is won of the most dificult to diagnose as there are no symptoms other than a quite clapping sound that your ears tell you is a clap. Beck, Smeck he lies about his age, he is only 12! No you cannot kick my ass, I'm to strong to fight a lady.Besides I don't think I'd make a very good husband, between money making schemes and saving the world there would be little time to raise the bakers dozen of children I would demand from my woman!

 
At 7:12 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

I once hula-hooped for 60 consecutive minutes.

I once ate 48 raw oysters.

I am madly in love.

Word.

 
At 7:34 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

What with your hula skills, I suffer from a phobis of hoops, even hoop skirts give me the willys.
Your oyster skills, I always tear up my gums on the shells.
I'm am mad
and greese is the word...is the word is the word

My tough guy skills and your hula/oyster skills we could begin a group of super heros and save the world and think of the money to be made off the merchandising! Maybe Captain Carl and Carla could join the club, dues would be affordable lets say the low 6 figures?

 
At 10:15 AM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

This is so bad I cant even stand to read any more of it, ROscoe, come on lets go get good and easter drunk. Josh is almost as bad as Bob Hanna, Me me me toilet, me me me ing me me me, roxi, me me me mcdougal me me me roscoe me me me I I I me me me Arnold me me me.

 
At 10:27 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Looks like someone forgot to put the lid down on toilet again. Toilet apparently you where not aware of the most comments made on this post prize! I won, I can hardly believe I finally won! I cannot wait to collect my prize, Ooooooo I'm as giddy as a school girl!

 
At 11:18 AM , Blogger sage said...

Nah, I didn't meet Nick Adams on the Two-Hearted River, but I'm planning an expedition this summer to fly-fish both the Fox River (4 days) and the Two-Hearted River (2 days), with the hopes of running into him.

 
At 11:30 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Sage: He has a good skillet have him fry you up some trout if you run into him.

 
At 6:05 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Hey, check this out.

http://help.blogger.com/bin/answer.py?answer=1220&query=links&topic=0&type=f

It tells you something about how to moderate your comments on Blogger. I haven't tried it yet but I'm going to. Looks a little complicated though.

 
At 6:06 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Oops, I don't know how to put that as a link, you'll have to copy and paste it. Sorry!!!

 
At 6:23 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Damn you Le Chitelier ever since you done killed yourself you have been sending me copy and paste links! Have you no mercy? No soul? ...OK I'll give it a looksy, domani! I have to work, unlike the dead who's only worry is turning in their grave when they are spoken of by mortals with disrespect.My Best JW

 
At 6:25 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Ha! Here we go! Check this out.

 
At 6:28 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Peine!

 
At 6:33 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Le Chitelier: Dang, how you know that?
I assure you within a fortnight I will have this in place. Give or take a week or two. I apologize for my temper , its just that all the pressure of keeping my Toughest Man On Earth title has proved to be a burden, everyone wants to kick my ass? I think I will have to hand over the belt to you, dead people I hear fight real good and in the end their opponent always dies! No poop.

 
At 6:43 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

No peine no geine...No shite.

 
At 7:05 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Believe it or not I was looking up in the Blogger help files on how to do a LINK and that page was what they gave me instead. That's also the reason for my delayed link usage back there. I'm very new to html. Don't worry about the temper, even us dead people get pretty pissy sometimes. No poop.

 
At 7:11 PM , Blogger Le Chitelier said...

Heh heh. Meant to say, I am very peiné.

 
At 2:41 AM , Blogger ing said...

You wouldn't moderate my comments, would you?

 
At 4:30 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

LE: You have proven most helful. New to html hell I can't even say it.. html I just call it hotel.Thanks again.

ing: I most certainly would not moderate your comments, I would plagerize them but never moderate. Rest easy.

 
At 4:10 PM , Blogger ing said...

Phew!

 
At 5:16 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: I can sense your pulse slowing with that phew! I feel so bad that you may have thought me capable of such...Kind Regards JW

 

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