Toughest Man On Earth
Now that I’ve spilled the grog and ye all know I am a sailor, agreed a sailor of pitiful skills ye must know this does not exempt me from the license to yarn. So being a sailor no matter how unskilled grants you poetic license. Grant it I do not right like a poet and my style is something that could be used to induce vomiting. I defer to a excerpt from a famous letter reviewing a certain book and author who I will not name but if you guess you win a wonderful prize. Toilet you are not allowed in this contest.
"As it is, she has written so well, and marvelously well, that I was completely ashamed of myself as a writer. I felt that I was simply a carpenter with words, picking up whatever was furnished on the job and some times making an okay pig pen. But this girl who is, to my knowledge, very unpleasant,... can write rings around all of us who consider ourselves as writers".
Me I cant even nail together a cage for a bilge rat but the point is I am as a sailor allowed to spin yarns, I never preface a story with "I’m going to spin a yarn" that is for the other sailors and rummies who are jealous of my yarns.
I make no bones about it I am the toughest man alive.I have been asked over the years if I could beat up for example Mike Tyson or if I could beat up Steven Segal, the answer has always been yes. Now I have grown bored with this answer and have developed a rough chart on people I can beat up, some are easy some take time. Now if asked if I can beat up someone I tell them yes and how long it would take. At the top of the list I am going to place the Incredible Hulk, I ran the numbers and it would take me 4 hours to beat him up.
1. Incredible Hulk : 4 hours of good old fashion street fighting, but in the end I would exhaust him and be declared the winner.
2. Evangeline Lilly : 3 days . Not really a fight but I would sure be spent after the engagement.
3. 300lb Giant Lobster: 2 days in his environment 2 minutes in mine.
4. Superman: He is a fictitious character so I will not dignify this with a response.
5. Sylvester Stallon and Tom Cruise teamed: Well this is tricky cause in real life about 30seconds but also in real life I might have a little fun with them first. I would climb up on my dining room table and pull up all the chairs with me and sit on one and watch while the two circled trying to figure out how to get up to my high perch. Stallon would eventually tie a rope to Cruise and through him up on the table and then climb up the rope afterwards. I wold then take the two by the scruff of their necks and drop them in a huge aquarium with a giant 2 lb. Lobster and lots of prehistoric decorations, big little boulders, big little fern trees and so on. Then comes web cam and a reality blog of Stallon and Cruise living together in a prehistoric land with a giant lobster. It would be so cool to see Cruise in the lobsters pinchers crying like a little baby scientologist. It would be a smash hit, not to mention a money maker…Don’t let me forget this idea.
6. Kodiak Bear: 2 Hours It would be a challenge but I think I could take him in two.
7. BlackBeard: We have agreed not to fight even if he were alive.
8. Arnold: 3 minutes just so he can save face. I want him to run for re-election cause he talks funny and his wife skelator freaks me out. I am not saying I want him to win I am just saying I like to here him talk funny.
9. Steven Segal: 3 seconds .Steven Segal is a puss.
10. My brother toilet. All I would have to do is tell him a Pecan Sandie’s cookie factory burnt down and he would collapse as if hit by an anvil.
In my past life I was a street tuff, muscle for hire if you will, but those days are behind me, its ole turn the other cheek JW…However if there is money involved?
posted by josh williams @ 03:49
35 Comments
35 Comments:
MM: One of those Hollywood karate weenies.
Roscoe: Funny you should mention Ferret legging, I used to Honey Badger Leg back in the day just for kicks.
Now I copied and pasted from a website on Honey Badgers that sideswipes you challanger, thanks for the effort and keep trying.
Far from being the "meanest animal in the world", visual observations revealed a medium sized carnivore (6 -12 kg) that avoids confrontation with its main predators, leopard and lion. When challenged at close quarters, the relatively slow moving honey badger does put up a formidable display which includes the release of a strong scent from their anal scent glands, a loud "rattling- roar" and rushing movements towards the potential enemy whatever its size. But invincible, with no natural enemies? Certainly not. One Josh Williams of Indianapolis well known in South Africa as being the Toughest Man in The World has, developed a tasted for Honey Badgers and is said to freguently hunt them in the buff and then grill them on the barbie for all those interested. It has been documented that he saves the anal scent glands for himself for "research" . Little more is known of Mr. Williams other than he has gained the respect of not only South Africa but the entire continent of Africa. Much can be learned from this remarkable man and this researcher is seeking a grant to study The Toughest Man in The World.
Louise Leaky VI
Put that in you pipe and smoke it, I have documented proof that scientists are talking about me!
Toilet: Rest easy Pecan Sandies are still in full production, but thank you for illustrating my point.Did you know that one of the secret ingredients of Pecan Sandies comes from the anal scent glands of a South African Honey Badger?
Even the toughest man in the world has no control over blogger. I just read my post and see so many words that may be spelled correctly but in the wrong context. Blogger will not allow me to correct. Please dont hate me because I post before its time , just hate me because I am full of myself and my ability to beat all on the field of battle of the fists.
As for McDougal I just think he respects me because he has not killed me yet, at least thats my theory.
Robert Ruark - (1915-1965)
His last book The Honey Badger
I read Uhuru some years ago, African big game hunter, very big Hemingway influence. I then heard of his last book The Honey Badger and did a little research myself, so Roscoe you did not sideswipe me, my knowledge and understanding of the Honey Badger is profound. I ran the numbers and it would take me about 45 minutes to beat up a Honey Badger, case closed. I am impressed with your choice of animal, they are real bastards but armed with knowledge and the ability to exploit your adversarys weakness is the key to remianing the Toughest Man on Earth. My scotum is in pristine condition if you must know.
I think its cool if you live in the UK and google
edward penishands downloadable video
That My Mule is 2nd on the list of sites to visit! Poor limey looking for a little porn and finds himself embroiled in a mature discussion of the illusive Ratel!
Roxi: I don't fight ladies.
Blogger will not allow me to correct typos mispellings bad gammer and shit,. Blogger is on my list. I am on the verge of giving up the whole tuff guy business, it just does not prove to be a challange anymore. Blogger on the other hand, this is personal...
Okay, Toilet you could defeat. If he wore the yellow sundress and bonnet, you could do it. Giant lobster? Well all right, I'll give you that. But Tom Cruise and Sylvester Stallone combined? Josh, you are one talented book reviewer and the resemblance to Sean Connery is uncanny, but please don't go bragging up the impossible. I mean, Tom Cruise has TEETH. And he's manic as hell. Whether or not Stallone is backing him, Mr. Cruise has insane powers of creepiness.
That review is Hemingway. Is he talking about Fitzgerald. Knew them both. Hemingway was tough too, of course. But he cried when he ate my pasta salad. I think it's OK to cry when it is not because you are sad, but because you never knew there was so much beauty in olive oil.
(As dictated to Red Cross volunteer Anne Marie)
Le: Very thoughtful assessment, thank you for the time and input. More later.
ing and Le: Yes Tom Cruise has insane powers of creepiness and he has the teeth of a badger,but...OK its common knowledge that years ago against my will, my parents had my fart glands removed. My special interest and collection of Honey Badger Anal Scent Glands has proved to be fruitful (wrong word). I replaced my missing fart glands with the anal scent glands from a Honey Badger. I may be an abomination of nature but who better to kick Tom Cruise's ass? I'll give him the ole one two with my little Honey Badger secret weapon.Half human half Honey Badger anal scent gland, thats me alright!
Tuan McDougal: The review part sir you are correct it was Hemingway however Fitzgerald (F Scott or Zelda)was not the female author he was smitten with. However for your efforts I have the anal scent gland of a South African Honey Badger and instructions on how to install them on your person. Consider this a consolation prize and thanks for not killin' me in front of all these people.Could you send me the recipe for your pasta salad.
Now Mr McDougal quite accurately deduced Hemingway, the grand special prize goes to whoever can name the female to whom he is referring.
I'm pretty sure Hemingway would have referred to Fitzgerald as "her" quite often ... As the latter was quite the dandy ... err ... fancy lad ... err ... "girl."
Please, Josh ... let McDougal have this one ...
I'm serious.
It's best for everyone.
Friends: I did some more research and I'll be damned! It was Fitzgerald! That McDougal he's always right! I'll be dipped in shit! My bad. Now for the final prize you win my patent for the super sized toilet.Toilets for the people out there who where out plungers,a toilet that you could flush a body down, its a gold mine and its Mr. McDougals...Congrats and thank him for playing JW
Le: Nope, great guess keep on trying.
Correction : for people who wear out plungers.
Le: Given time and patience, yes. My session, eerrr...fight would sure take a few hours than ole chopper mouse Cruise but I could take her yes I could I could take her...Did I tell you I could take her? I meant it,big time!....Hmmm maybe we should stage a a encounter between us, just so you could see I was NOT "all hat and no cattle". My Best JW
Le: I think I get it, after reading your comment. I will turn the other cheek if she goads me into a fight,I dont fight womens. Thanks for keeping me safe. JW
Josh....
someone hacked my blog.. then deleted it and my account.. had to start all over.. * sigh*
will you kick thier asses for me??
please?? pretty please?
Roxi: I'll put my best guy on the project of tracking down the hacker. All I need is an address, my guy should have it in a third of a fortnight. As for my site it is not that much of a target for hackers cause I normally ruin the thing myself. I guess I beat them to the punch, better me than them I suppose. As soon as I get an address I'll hop on my Lawn Boy and head that way. Best of luck JW
Hemingway wept manly, gravel-shaped tears that crunched underfoot.
This, according to F. Scott. Just in case you didn't know. It's okay for a man to cry as long as his tears are hard as rocks.
Josh, how do you think you'd fare if you had to fight two ladies? Say, Martha Gellhorn and Beryl Markham?
ing: I would not stand a chance. Beryl would quite simply fly her Gypsy Mouth right into the top of my head! She would bail before impact thus saving herself.Oh and a quite golf clap for winning the contest. (Hows that for a prize?!)As for Martha she would just do an expose on me and my strange habits and I'd be whuped.
Le & ing : This is why I don't fight women, they dont use their fists they use their brains and thats not fair as far as I'm concerned!
A golf clap? Sheesh, I thought I'd cleared up my case of golf clap when I dumped the high school valedictorian (my date to the senior prom & captain -- honest! -- of the golf team). At least it wasn't the syph.
Josh, if I don't manage to lure my Beck (I'm seeing him on May 25th), if Matty doesn't become my man-bride, I will accept your hand. As long as you concede that I can kick your ass. Without Martha G. or Tom C. watching my back.
'K?
ing: Golf clap is won of the most dificult to diagnose as there are no symptoms other than a quite clapping sound that your ears tell you is a clap. Beck, Smeck he lies about his age, he is only 12! No you cannot kick my ass, I'm to strong to fight a lady.Besides I don't think I'd make a very good husband, between money making schemes and saving the world there would be little time to raise the bakers dozen of children I would demand from my woman!
I once hula-hooped for 60 consecutive minutes.
I once ate 48 raw oysters.
I am madly in love.
Word.
What with your hula skills, I suffer from a phobis of hoops, even hoop skirts give me the willys.
Your oyster skills, I always tear up my gums on the shells.
I'm am mad
and greese is the word...is the word is the word
My tough guy skills and your hula/oyster skills we could begin a group of super heros and save the world and think of the money to be made off the merchandising! Maybe Captain Carl and Carla could join the club, dues would be affordable lets say the low 6 figures?
Looks like someone forgot to put the lid down on toilet again. Toilet apparently you where not aware of the most comments made on this post prize! I won, I can hardly believe I finally won! I cannot wait to collect my prize, Ooooooo I'm as giddy as a school girl!
Nah, I didn't meet Nick Adams on the Two-Hearted River, but I'm planning an expedition this summer to fly-fish both the Fox River (4 days) and the Two-Hearted River (2 days), with the hopes of running into him.
Sage: He has a good skillet have him fry you up some trout if you run into him.
Damn you Le Chitelier ever since you done killed yourself you have been sending me copy and paste links! Have you no mercy? No soul? ...OK I'll give it a looksy, domani! I have to work, unlike the dead who's only worry is turning in their grave when they are spoken of by mortals with disrespect.My Best JW
Le Chitelier: Dang, how you know that?
I assure you within a fortnight I will have this in place. Give or take a week or two. I apologize for my temper , its just that all the pressure of keeping my Toughest Man On Earth title has proved to be a burden, everyone wants to kick my ass? I think I will have to hand over the belt to you, dead people I hear fight real good and in the end their opponent always dies! No poop.
No peine no geine...No shite.
You wouldn't moderate my comments, would you?
LE: You have proven most helful. New to html hell I can't even say it.. html I just call it hotel.Thanks again.
ing: I most certainly would not moderate your comments, I would plagerize them but never moderate. Rest easy.
Phew!
ing: I can sense your pulse slowing with that phew! I feel so bad that you may have thought me capable of such...Kind Regards JW
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