Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Bonobos Eunuchs and Mole People


Well after countless hours of watching digital recordings of milk duds being flushed (via remote, triggered by Roscoe) down identical toilets under identical lighting in identical water..zzzzz Well I decided to hire twenty Bonobo Chimpanzees to watch the recordings for me, report their findings and I could finally work on getting some badly needed rest.
Well this turned out to be a bad idea, whenever the Bonobos saw the milk dud dropped into the toilet they went crazy and started a scat fight, much like a food fight just post digestion. So all my monitors are covered with Bonobo scat ruined cause I aint cleaning the things. I’ll set them around my house to scare away prowlers. The only conclusions I have drawn is that you flush enough toilets at the same time around the circumference of the globe and you piss off the mole people, remember I did not push the button. As for the flushing from what I saw, no clear conclusions and after the Bonobo debacle, nothing is clear at all.
I took the Bonobo’s on a little helicopter trip out to our cruise ship which the woman were still seething cause I had stuck them on this luxury cruise ship with two hundred handsome Eunuchs. I figured the little minkees would cheer them up and I would be rid of them.
My best intentions that would benefit everyone, were soon dashed and turned to ruin when I got a distress signal from Jungle Roxi and ing. It seems that one of the woman had come up with the idea of transplanting the two little engines of the daddy glands from the bonobos to the Eunuchs and finally "gettin’ some". They all signed donor cards I heard over the scatchy radio, I started to reply but decided not to. Donor cards are usually for the deceased and everyone knows monkeys cant read let alone sign a donor card.
It seems that transplants went all to well, the Eunuchs were hyper active and there was much rejoicing, but finally the woman had enough, "we just want our fat ole lazy slobs back" I heard through the radio. Apparently the head Eunuch, Fletcher was tired of the woman playing coy and threw them in a life boat and set them adrift, "no put out now get out"! Was what he is reported to have said, as the poor women drifted with few provisions. Only a mile from Tahiti, they motored ashore and their radio signal was coming from a tiki hut on the beach as they drank fufu drinks and laughed at their good fortune at my expense.
Ladies you laugh but you also told them where Mole Island is and now we have twenty former Eunuchs with bonobo testicles steering straight for Mole Island to have a little party with the mole people. Will they reproduce? Will we have some sort of hybrid mole/ bonobo /human master race to contend with? Drink your boat drinks ladies I’ll take care of everything. Remember I am not the one who pushed the button! I think its time "Mom! I blogged the toilet" tok a mor proactive role for the cause! Mole Island is 50 nautical miles 3% degrees NNW of Skull island, we need to do something, someone stand up to the plate, I did not push the button! Help me! Help human kind before we are overrun with a bunch of randy monkey moles.
From the desk of
Reformed Serious Scientists JW

37 Comments:

At 6:19 AM , Blogger Captain Carl said...

ARRR...Ill get ye outta of there on me boat.....do ya think I could be gettin one of these crossbread things to scare me crew with.......

 
At 6:57 AM , Blogger kellywalters said...

I have a friend with a f16 and some tactical nukes..

we could get rid of the mole people..

all you have to do is send us a list of what we want to this wonderful island.

Its in your hands..

 
At 7:54 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Captain: This is not a time for joking!

Roxi: How much for the Nukes, I'll press the button. What are your demands.

 
At 12:03 PM , Blogger ing said...

Josh, could you hold off? These Tahitian drinks are mighty tasty and after all that eunuch action I need a rest. . . Unless Roscoe's coming along. We could all use some Roscoe.

 
At 12:51 PM , Blogger matty said...

Josh -- No time to panic. I do believe that Mole People are resistant to nuclear weapons. I think, perhaps, the key is to rid the universe of those tiresome Bonobos Eunuchs.

...so, if you can just confirm the location of the stolen yacht. I am placing my bomber at Q 10. Did I sink them?

 
At 1:42 PM , Blogger jungle jane said...

HANG ON A SEC!! since when were we back to saving the stoopid world? Josh! Dude! Aren't you supposed to be inventing me a heartburn tablet that doubles up as cocaine?

Pass me a beer, roscoe. i drank my last one in 3 seconds....

 
At 2:17 PM , Blogger Captain Carl said...

ARRR.....seriously can I get one of those little guys and then we can be savin the world........

 
At 4:26 PM , Blogger Calzone said...

I'm confused..was this another book review?

Fucking pills

 
At 4:50 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Roscoe will show. Like show biz its all in delivery.From what I have heard he will deliver.

Matt: Nope you sank the wrong luxury liner, but just keep at it we can never be to careful.

JJ: I am working on your heart burn cocaine tablet as I try to pilot this jet and type this comment.As a great man once said "saving the world aint easy". ...Side note Jane Roscoe is watering your beer so he can take advantage of your sober state and "just talk". Watch out! I am the only one you can trust.

Capt: No, I need ya to help me save the world~` Your loosing focus.

Calzone: Yep its another book review, its all good.Carry on dragon.

 
At 7:22 PM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

Damn it now, if ya'll going to be saving the world and killing off chimps and eunichs, when are we going to talk about ME?
I'll get things started....
On my web site, an anonymous blogger called me a puss. This really hurts. Because of my weight, my penis has nearly disapeared. I do have to squat to pee, other wise it's just like a blotter soaking up water, my pubic area just slowly becomes wet, no spray, no jet stream, just wicking piss across my lap. When I squat I can get a stream and it's much esier to clean up.
Thank you for understanding and being nice to me.

 
At 7:56 PM , Blogger ing said...

It's better to do it outside. Face uphill, grab hold of a branch, and lean way back. Don't forget to gather up your skirt first, though.

 
At 8:02 PM , Blogger matty said...

Josh -- Please tell me I didn't sink one of those ships carrying the new shipment of vibrating eggs?!?!? I'm seriously worried.

Can I have one of those heartburn tabs you're inventing for Jungle Jane?

OK, I am aiming to sink the Bonobos Eunchs at R 12. I sure hope that works!

ing -- I find it works better if you just squat.

 
At 4:28 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toilet: Damn those anyomous bloggers, ever thought of using a shop vac?

ing: Great tip, I think in toilets case maybe a limb instead of a branch.

Matt: You blew up the ship not only with the eggs but my first shipment of heartburn pills. Seems there are alot of hyper grouper eating all the cargo and vibrating contendly. Come to think of it what a great way to smuggle! Feed a bunch of fish illegal drugs, kill them, fillet them and sell them battered with chips on the streets for a premium price.Hmmmm

 
At 10:42 AM , Blogger matty said...

Well, I am glad my tragic errors have led to a great new way to smuggle drugs!

 
At 11:05 AM , Blogger crabcake said...

Hybrids! HOT DAMN!

Everybody stay put. Just let them breed. At this point a mole people/bonobo eunuch is the ONLY thing that's gonna save my movie career.

What's the harm?

Cappy, I'll share the little buggers with ya soon as they hatch out. Or you you know, however they come out.

PS. I'll have one of those umbrella drinks whilst I wait.

 
At 11:56 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Matt: Yeah I'm really excited about this idea. What a happy accident. Keep on bombing!

Crab: One ubrella drink coming up. I think alot of you do not see the danger of the situation. We should not meddle in human/mole people/bonobo cross breading it just dont seem right. Nuke em Matt! They are about 75 nautical miles dew south of mole island. It appears a Eunuch with bonobo testicles does not have the ability to focus and will not ask for directions.They still may be hope, gotta go feed the fish.

 
At 7:54 PM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Hey Josh, sorry to interrupt your world saving efforts, but do you have a cup of sugar i could borrow?

 
At 9:44 PM , Blogger matty said...

OK, one more time. However I am very concerned because I believe there is a boat filled with cute Russian orphans and kittens. But, we must do our best to rid the planet of the dreaded Bonobos Eunuchs!

Z 21.

I think I heard a splash. ????

 
At 10:06 PM , Blogger YellowSock said...

I think a race of mole/eunich/bonobo people might be easier to live with that the current inhabitants of the planet. But the heartburn/cocaine tablet sounds even more appealing.

 
At 6:21 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

JJ: Would Splenda work?

Matt: Through down mini lifevests with instructions, (they are behind your seat, I thought this might happen) and drop them on board. Now fly out of site count to 1 hour and then fly back over and Sink the boat. I have discovered Mole people are allergic to water, so this could be our silver bullet. May the power of beer be with ya!

Sausage:I'm working on fish/cocaine brain food so when you eat it you get a good dose and you have something really smart to say and not what you imagine is smart to say.
I feed the fish Pure Coca and then I hire killers to behead and fillet them, flash freeze have them sent them to myself. I will soon distibute to my distrubuters everyone gets a cut, just dont eat your own stash.Anyone interested in this endeavor please send me some earnest money, this will be used as a credit against first purchase. On you cash donation write "I am not a cop" so as to weed out any narks. Over JW

 
At 7:00 AM , Blogger kellywalters said...

I'm not a cop..


btw.. I found out the snakes on this island are pretty usefull.. * wink wink*

know what I mean?

and I sent my friend flying around to find the monkey whatever buggers..

although I think it would be interesting to see what comes out of a monkey thingamajigger mole people breed.

Cant I have at least one?? I think they would be cute.. and rabid randy!

 
At 9:01 AM , Blogger YellowSock said...

I'm allergic to fish. But not cocaine. When you've completed this project, could you make some cow/coke? For some strange reason my money already says I am not a cop.

 
At 1:00 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Roxi: These are not pets! Do you want to get yourself in a situation and have one of the hybrids?

Saus: Moocaine my next project!

 
At 9:03 PM , Blogger ing said...

Is moocaine a stimulant, or does it make you ruminative?

Josh?

Josh, are you awake?

 
At 11:48 PM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Josh. Dude. Just gimme the sugar and no-one will get hurt. m'okay?

 
At 3:05 AM , Blogger ing said...

Pour some sugar on me, too, while you're at it.

 
At 5:38 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing:Yes I'm asleep, gaw! Moocaine is a stimulant, there is little chance of over dose since the caine family of drugs tends to suppress your appetite. Where as the old fashionn medium of powder you just kept snuff and sniffing. But after a fillet of moocaine you will we energetic yet not hungry. Built in anti over dose.

JJ:I know the problem with cane toads you have so, I'll give you a cup of suger if you start catching cane toads and then feeding them a diet of caine...Lick the toad get all the qualitys of the toads natural toxins plus you get the the stimulant effects from the new diet. Send me fifty toads a month. I'll open a pet shop as a front and then just charge people to lick the toads, kinda like the old time opium dens of Sherlock Holmes times but people are jumping around waving dollars to lick a giant toad. Deal?

ing: Brown, or white. Man do I over think things.

 
At 6:23 AM , Blogger ing said...

White pours better, and thanks for asking.

 
At 6:26 AM , Blogger ing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 10:48 AM , Blogger Captain Carl said...

ARRR....Janey will you make a sugar sculpture of me with JW's sugar?.......then I can leave my action figure body.......and posses the sugar sculpture......wait..nevermind I might eat myself......
JW....lets go and save the world matey.......

 
At 11:43 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: White it is.

Capt: So you ready to keel haul ya some Mole people! Pissa!Pissa!

 
At 3:20 PM , Blogger ing said...

Josh:

Someone named "Fletcher" just called for you. Should I send him your way?

 
At 5:56 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Tell Fletcher to meet me at Pitcairn Island and we will discuss this matter, mano de mole/castrato/ bonobo Isle of Dr...Please just pass along the info. Kind regards JW

 
At 9:48 PM , Blogger ing said...

I duly passed and he's swimming for the island as we speak. Be forewarned, Josh, Fletcher's not happy with his new Bonobo parts, and he's become insatiable. And all of this message-passing is cutting in to my drinking time.

I told Fletcher that you had an endless supply of sugar and the cup with which to measure it. I think sugar is your only hope, if you want to thwart his advances. The problem is, sugar will make him hyperactive, which might just aggravate the problem.

Worse, we're running out of rum in Tahiti. If supplies dwindle too far, we, too, are prepared to swim. The situation is getting out of hand.

 
At 4:28 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Suger ship in route stop kill the mole people stop kill the Eunuch/Bonobos stop drink beer stop I am werkin' on it stop

 
At 7:02 AM , Blogger kellywalters said...

I want cow coke too..

that sounds like one hell of an invention

 
At 7:14 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Werkin' on it.

 

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