Monday, March 05, 2007

Bailers Tips

I may be a fraud, I may not know enough to offer advice/tips but by God that does not mean I am not going to turn down a very lucrative job... My sailing club needed someone who would offer tips on how to make the club a better place, basically lay down the law! I post monthly and it is seldom mentioned, unless I the anonymous tipster offers his two cents...My predecessor was called tailer, (sailing term to complex for land lubbers to understand) he moved away and now it is left to me, Bailer...It does not make much sense but this is consistent with my blog so I include this months installment because I really am tired of looking at my last post which seemed to linger on monkeys. I'm all well now and the world is going to spin on greased rails from this day on...JW
March Bailer

I was walking the docks in the early morning fog, as is my habit, normally my dock buddy Trouble is at my side to scatter the sleeping geese and to share the local gossip as well. Trouble is a fine dog, but he does chatter like a magpie, bless his heart he is good people and that’s what I like about my club. (Forgive the possessive “my club” but I did some paper work with some of the higher ups and if it came to a legal battle I could own all the boats, case closed, I gain trust and then my deceit pays big time). As I approached my boat I noticed a note had been safety pinned to my little tattered flag that has a faded beer glass printed on it, the note read “meet me at the pressure warsher tonight at 11:45, don’t bring noone”. I thought about this, whoever this night owl is needs a lesson in grammar. The note smelled of danger so I palmed it so Trouble did not catch on , I did not want the little fella to get into trouble on my account. We said our good byes, I acted busy and when he was out of sight I gathered my cooler, chair, night vision goggles, a nice cuddly throw and various other items that might prove useful, I showed up at 11:30 and waited and waited till about 12:15, not a soul. I put on my night vision goggles and noticed what looked like a shop rag in the gravel not ten feet in front of me. I started to gather my stuff figuring I had been stood up, walked over picked up the rag/ litter. I was curious because what I thought was a rag felt like leather and with my goggles I could see it had writing on it, a foreign script?
Before I continue I feel I need to share a bit about my background. I have mastered and am quite fluent in 26 languages, by the end of the year I hope to have a total of 30 under my belt, my next conquests will be German, French, Spanish and Pig Latin. A friend questioned why I saved the last four to master, he said, “think of all the new people you could talk to”! I told him its not that I don’t want to talk to more people, its just that I think I have exhausted the ones I have already talked to, in other words I think the world is not ready for more of my drivel…. So it goes.
I took the rag/leather artifact back to my boat. I will come clean , yes I’m a live aboard I am sure you have seen me around the docks, but for now I think its best not to reveal to much about myself other than when I studied the rag under my microscope I realized that the Script was written in blood, my best guess Ox blood and it was written in Sanskrit further testing in my foreword cabin lab revealed that the leather was from an Ox but the blood was from a yak. Yak? Yes yak, yuck you might say but right or wrong this is what I discovered in my lab…If that is not enough I did carbon dating, the leather rag was at least 1,200 years old! The language, was Sanskrit which as I shared earlier I am fluent. I was shaken, taken aback, dumb struck etc. when I translated it, for the fifth time it revealed the same message. I will now share with you the translation, I suggest you sit down…Tip 1) If you have been at the Club for a few years and you don't recognize one of these tips, you are still a new guy.

Tip 2) Pay your dues on time by the end of February. If you don't, you will lose your place on the slip waiting list and your present slip. That line is a couple of years only want to stand in it once.

Tip 3) Always lock the gate after dark. Everyone should order extra keys this year. We should have one with us at all times.

Tip 4) Don't forget to put a buck in the bag for the ice you take from the cooler. It's the honor system...let’s keep it that way.

Tip 5) Dump port-o-lets into the big gray tank by the ramp port-a-potty. Protect your lake from e-coli. Remember, swimming is against the law… but you could fall in.

Tip 6) Relations with the Parks Department should always be nurtured. We are the renters. Any contact with Parks personnel must be in-line with Club policy. That is: We are the renters and we are always willing to help any way we can.

Tip 7) Be polite to other people on the lake. It's our reputation that you are protecting. You only get one chance to do this one right.

Tip 9) Be sure to pick up some lawn chairs and keep them in the trunk. You will need them for the CHAIR PARTY. Trust me, you'll need chairs.

I am dumfounded, I find a note pinned to my flag, the note leads me to a ox leather scrap with ancient Sanskrit writing on it in yak blood and when I translate it I discover it is the exact tips from Tailer circa March 2002! So who gave me the leather artifact was Tailer plagiarizing sailing club tips over 1,000 years old? Tips that are still relevant? What in the Sam Hill is going on? More later the editor tells me the internet is running out of ink….I will get to the bottom of this…Kind Regards and tack well Bailer


At 5:34 PM , Blogger G3T Films said...

Why must you lie so Mr Polyglot. There has only ever been one 1200 year old Ox, and she wrote in Welsh. Boy could that saucy minx sing!

At 2:38 AM , Blogger floots said...

curiouser and curiouser
holy polyglots in wonderland etc :)
loved it

At 3:58 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

g3tO: Poetic license to lie. I fear the club members are going to rise up and smite me with an oar.
I'm also going to learn to speak European, put that in your pipe and smoke it!

floots:Thank you for the kind words...Tell me do you believe g3t when he speaks of this Ox?

At 11:31 AM , Blogger Toby said...

I didn't realize Indiana has lakes.

At 11:34 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: Yup big fat lakes all over, huge lakes, Indiana is known for its inland seas.

At 2:24 PM , Blogger G3T Films said...


I would never lie, except when I'm not telling the truth. But that usually involves lingerie, a judge and a video camera.

Oh, and an Ox.

At 4:17 PM , Blogger Toby said...

Very nice. My short times spent in Indiana, Deer Creek and just driving through, I never saw one body of water. Good on you, but what's with the no swimming rule?

At 5:05 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

g3t:Never trust an ox and always remember that all that we say and all that we seem, truth is but a dream within a dream.

Toby: Indiana does have antiquated laws, no SWIMMING! So if you fall in you are obligated by law to sink, no SWIMMING. Oh dear God, Dear Creek is a dreadful nightmare, terrible traffic, restroom lines, bad seating and on and on...Yes I do believe you have been to Indiana.


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