Feliz Cinco De Mayo!
I decided on this fine Tres De Mayo morning to post my Cinco De Mayo post on Tres De Mayo so as to get a jump start on the celebration. What I have pictured here is a good buddy of mine who happens to be a Chupa Cabre. About a year ago I found this dude covered with blood, emaciated and shaking uncontrollably at my doorstep. Turns out he ran into Crystal Meth heads and became addicted to their blood lost control which is common with meth. Next he ran out of meth heads to Chupa their blood which in turn brought about his ending up at my door step, he said word on the street was "I good people". I opened my doors to the wretched little creature and within weeks he was back to himself , he worked around my garden took care of my rodent problem now works up the street at a gourmet pizza restaurant while surviving/thriving on beverages (Power Goat Plus is his favorite) I purchase at the local stock yards. I call my buddy Fred but his Christian name is Yolanda.
Happy Cinco De Mayo!
JW
posted by josh williams @ 03:33
24 Comments
24 Comments:
Le Chitelier: You kicked ass!I for one am damn proud of you le. BRB?
He looks just like my mum's last boyfriend....
le: Cabra is correct, Chupa is his first name, Goat Sucker or Goatsucker both work for me except the Cabre which I will leave uncorrected as is my habit. I am from the Midwest so I prefer Goat Sucker, I looked in my Spanish edition of the OED and could not find chupacabra but I could find chupa and cabra. I took in this goat sucker and have not looked back, despite the risk of having sangre on my innocent mits.
Pixie: A real looker eh? Your mom is a sucker for a pretty face.
Le: Yes Jane dated the little goat sucker and he will not tell me anything. Not a kiss and tell type, the little shit.However he told me that he would send you an autograph and a silhouette of himself if you promise not to tell anyone and he means anyone where he is hiding, the kidd has changed, he really is trying to start over.
Cappy: Can you share the body? That would be so cool! Fred is never at a loss for words, you would always have good company. Then again the temptation of a neck so close (goatlikethoughitmightnotbe) could prove to be to much for the Fred to resist. Then again he has been through hell and I think he could block the instinct. Fred is strong as shit in the will department,I aint kidd'in his second best friend is a baby goat.
I totally DID NOT date that freak - Pixie is going through that age where she doesn't know fact from fiction. It was just casual sex...I swear...
Le: Yeah, you gotta get the Spanish edition of the OED, it rocks!
JJ: I know, your kid is what we call in the states your child Pixie.
It was very human of you to take Yolanda in and to show him the work in need to get done... To celebrate consider bying a bottle Tequilla, would you?
Hey, I met ol' Yolanda last C. de M. This was about fifteen minutes after I swallowed the worm. Yet I remain a virgin. Josh, I will send you a modest check if you will reveal how Janey manages to get all the dates. I've seen her picture, and I realize there's the gorgeousness factor, but despite the sausage-skin-trick (which fools no one, man or beast), I have one thing she does not have. . . It is coveted in Tijuana, I hear. Perhaps I should troll for dates in balmy southern climes? But how to preserve what I've never relinquished? Josh, please get on this. There are checks to be written, a pen poised, um, signatures to be forged (Mickey Mice?).
Ing just perfect. Toby and I need a couple of virgins to sacrifice in celebration of me becoming a saint. Can I put your name down? You will go down in history you know.
le: Yolanda does not lack a sense of humor, he sometimes works the edgy end of the comic spectrum. I am sure the real silhouette is in route probably with flowers if I know Yoyo.
Mone: I owe it to Fred nice 100% agave tequila! I'll even give him a sip, last time he went on a bender though I had deal with all the missing pet signs on every utility pole within a 3 mile radius of my home.
ing: I think its Mick Mice? How does Jane get all the dates?Hmm so the two you had yesterday don’t count? I get it you can never have enough knowledge and your thirst for wisdom is as insatiable as little Freds is for blood. As for your special situation, don't be embarrassed I think TJ is not the best approach. Maybe an ebay auction? Jane has an offer for you that I would think twice about, just a little friendly advice.
JJ: I think ing would be better for your cause, I suggested an ebay auction, could bring windfall to beat the band, plenty for everyone since ing is such a sharing person (in certain respects) and you could become a Saint, ing could work on the Great American Novel, le could study chemistry in earnest again, we could find a real cool body for Carl,mone could pursue mones true passion,pixie could go to finishing school and myself with what is left over would save the world.
Thanks ing in advance for selling your most valuable treasure, you are real good people.
Now Jane I know you still need a virgin, does it have to be human?
le: OK I'll make some phone calls.
Ing has volunteered to be the sacrificial virgin. But only if she doesn't marry Beck later in the month. I think that's fair.
I think it would be better if we kept Ing and auctioned off Beck. No disrespect to the lovely Ing of course, but I have a feeling we'll get more jing selling Beck. Even if it's Ing placing the highest bid. I will extort money from friends - I am not proud.
Hey, Commander Josh -- I think he might have dated and ruined the lives of one of my friends! Slap him for me -- just once. K?
JJ: Guess who I have hanging at my crib...Beck! He’s an old friend and he would be delighted to help out for a good cause, so the bidding starts!
Matt: I will give Fred a smack, he's a real turd sometimes.
CC:Has started the bidding for Beck body cause he dances cool, its a closed bidding but If you can keep a secret the Reserve has been met at $42,500.00 US. What the bidder is willing to pay is double, so tailor your bids accordingly.
Alas, I have no money, but I will give the most precious thing a virgin can give. I will close my eyes and pretend it's Beck. I will try not to cry. I was saving it for my future husband, who, as you know. . .
Anyway, he won't notice the difference, will he?
ing: You need to write a inspirational book, say "How to win friends and influence people while still remainging a vigrin" . Write a best seller, just that easy, you may have to sell out for a couple of years but then you have your FY money and then you can do whatever you want.
I was talking to Roscoe the other day and he was telling me he had already written his lottery winning acceptance speech. Its short and to the point, it goes something like this..."Fuck You". FY money!
Wait. I think I've been confused. I was thinking it better to be a slut. No? Are virgins back in style? What's Fred's opinion? ...oh, wait. I know Fred. Nevermind.
Matt: I was going to say something but never mind. Freds gone on a bender. I found an empty bottle of tequila in his bedroom and a urine soaked floor, well I should have known.
Cappy: Man O Man you two where seperated at birth! You need to visit Tractor Supply and buy yourself a bucket of udder budder/bag balm cause with this new make over you are going to suffer some chaffing from the ladies attention! I am so happy for you! JW
Josh, this is your fault. Your ass, young man, is grass. Momma's got a bag of fertilizer, so bend on over and get green.
If you do not put Beck's head back on his lithe little body you're going to regret this, buddy.
P.s.: click here for some major hunkitude from the real head-body connection.
ing: I never knew you hated Cappy so much, poor fella out there drifting around, Beck gave his head freely.
His head is floating around and he said he liked the sensation, said he is going to drift out west and see if there are any hip chicks who would love him for who he is, thinks he will find a donor in due time, he really seemed happy ing, and isnt that what its all about?
Its a new beginning for Beck and Cappy and I promise you good will come from the transaction. JW
I just watch an X-files the other day about El Chupacabra. Man did they get it all wrong.
Cappy: Damn you were meant for Becks body. Speaking of Beck he gave me a jingle and said he was drifting around and dropped in on Jane and she shaved his head and said she had plans and then asked him how long he could hold his breath?
Blood: Love the new scoot, gotta get me one of those. Ye the X-files are not a good reference for fact. Cool bike! Ride on ! JW
Cappy: Praise be with ya! Your storm head gear can mask a shaved greased head quite well, none will be the wiser.
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