Sunday, February 10, 2008

Editors for hire, no pay, dangerous conditions



If you have visited my blog before you may have seen this cartoon. I have a new camera and program so nothing really works like it is supposed to (my way) so I used this classic cartoon just because I like to look at pictures and laugh. Now I have done this before and I will do this again, I am posting the rough draft of my tip column for my sailing clubs newsletter. I cobbled this out the other day and reread, realized it was a bit clunky so am asking for suggestions how many typos etc. Help me look smart, my pen name is Bailer and only the webmaster knows its me and his wife and the other webmaster, who else I dunno. I really don't sail that often, every time I sail I break something on the boat and if I have guests I don't have the patience to teach, so I have often just drifted with guests using the mast as the sail; a slow controlled drift, it takes a certain skill but I would not advise you to watch for it to become an Olympic event anytime soon. Most of the time I stop by the club on my way home from work and end up chatting with other people about boats or what not, in a nice setting, I did not join the club to fix my boat and yell orders a green crew. So if you have any ideas I am open to suggestions.(zen?) Thank you for your time and kind regards JW

This here is where the tip column lays...

The Mrs. visited the other day; she brought me some cheese grits and stacked enchiladas my favorite! She takes great care of me and always brings me enough food to cover the space between her next visit. I asked her to bring me those little micro-wave sausage breakfast sandwiches next time because I hate to think of her slaving away in the kitchen for me; besides I love those little gourmet saucers of pleasure!
I asked her if I could come visit or if she would at least tell me where her house was, but she reminded me that she married me out of love not because she wanted to spend a lot of time with me, her where about’s remains a mystery. I have figured out how well my behavior was on her last visit by the amount of food she brings, if she brings enough for a week then I know I must have spoken out of turn or created trouble on the docks. Sometimes she only brings food enough for a few days and I think, man o man Bailer you are one cool dude, the ladies love Bailer. Then the next visit I may get two weeks rations. She keeps me fed she keeps me grounded so to speak and in my eyes we have a perfect relationship. Ok, other than the fact that I do not know where she lives she refuses to live aboard with me and she wears a veil when we go out on the town. However like most great love stories ours is beautiful and complex not one of those made for TV love stories but one of those big screen romances. She is one lucky gal and so am I except I am a guy so I guess we are both lucky. Which brings me to my point. March is upon us and soon we can spend more time together, (club members) working together and continuing to make this a club to be proud of. I have been told this is one of the reasons I have been given the most obscure slips in the fleet. So lets not loose focus, lets continue to build a great club, if we keep the club attractive and we pay our dues we can have a good chance of keeping the club a home away from home or in my case home.

Tips and ideas for our club.

1: Pick up after yourself and put the aluminum cans in the recycle bin, this can generate money for the club and is a good message to every visitor.

2: Get you kids involved in racing, it is fun and wholesome, besides it’s a good way to trick your child into learning how to sail, learning a skill, we have some great teachers lets take advantage.

3: When using the portalet remember to close the door, yes it is easier to talk to your friends but in polite society...

4: Take your friends sailing show them the club, make them realize how cool this place is, we are a great little secret, so like all secrets tell a friend but make sure they keep it a secret. As the saying goes Three men can keep a secret as long as two of them are dead. We are proud of our club so tell them it’s a secret, making it all that much more special.

5: Although a great idea, I think the committee should sit on the idea of building a razorwire cage for Saturday night cage fights. Yes this could generate revenue but I for one feel this strays from the idea of this being a sailing club. These are my thoughts yet I am only one man and will stand by whatever the committee decides.

Sail on, Sail on Bailer

Labels:

51 Comments:

At 1:39 AM , Blogger Mone said...

"but she reminded me that she married me out of love not because she wanted to spend a lot of time with me" thats the best part of the story, Josh, hahaha, I love it!

 
At 5:49 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

toilets: I'll consider your idea, but then guano on the decks? Maybe its not the best idea.

mone: Thanks mone and welcome back. The blogosphere (sp) is a better place already.

 
At 1:17 PM , Blogger Helen Mansfield said...

[looking around nervously]

What the hey is going on around here?

 
At 4:40 PM , Blogger Helen Mansfield said...

Oh, poop! Were Alexis and Crystal wrestling in the fountain again? And I missed it ...

Just exactly how many Crystal burgers could I win for the purchase of my $2 raffle ticket?

I hope there will be chili cheese pups as well.

 
At 5:12 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Helen: Don't fall for the Crystal burger scam, I just am running short on payroll this month so am improvising. Save your money. Thanks for stopping by and I do not think I ever watched one episode of dynasty so I cannot tell you one way or the other if this is like the show or not. Your good people thanks for stopping by...JW

 
At 9:01 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Did a little spring cleaning. Thank you for your patience.

 
At 11:29 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Find a really nerdy fashion victim librarian at the library and ask her out.

She will be so grateful somebody wants to bang her, she will edit your $H!† for free.

 
At 11:32 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

zen: Thanks dude! I'm headed to the libary. I like libary's and the libar lady's who let their hair down and are all foxy....gotta go!

 
At 12:04 PM , Blogger EBEZP said...

Have to say Josh I like Zens idea best!
Love the story btw sorry for the interferences you've been having!

 
At 12:11 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ebezp: Thanks dude.

 
At 3:44 PM , Blogger ing said...

Aw, that's a great tip sheet!

Here's two editing ideas:

In your longer sentences, consider exchanging a few of your commas for periods.

OR

if you like writing long sentences (& it's good to have a variety of sentence lengths rather than a bunch of short sentences), insert a coordinating conjunction (and but or nor for so yet) right after the comma.

If you really really don't feel like doing this & seek an editor, I'd forego the sexy librarian editor, though. The content itself is very nice, and it sounds like you don't need a sexy librarian at all!

 
At 7:21 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Yep, if I reread I see your point.I kinda made some of that stuff up. Sound advice, which will be taken for the sake of the club.Your a real pip! thanks JW

 
At 7:45 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Real life is JUST EXACTLY LIKE a Forties/Frank Capra movie:

A librarian can be ugly as hell, but once she takes off her glasses and lets her hair down, she's an instant knockout.

 
At 3:42 PM , Blogger SleekPelt said...

Uh, sorry, Josh, but I'm afraid I don't know any editors....

 
At 5:49 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

zen: Yes that’s the picture.

Sleek: That’s OK I went to a cool website that will allow you to download punctuation, its a free service the first three days after that its like a $.06 per comma up to $.11 per semi colon. Not a bad deal, really I had been paying nearly twice that to some dude that works at CVS.

 
At 4:58 AM , Blogger Mone said...

Happy Valentine my love!

Come on over, I ordered pizza and the cellar is full of beer and wine. No need to bring anything ecept yourself in a clean pair of underwear :)

 
At 5:03 AM , Blogger Holly Wood said...

National Enquirer - They have speculated that it was Grace Kelly's daughter, Carolyn driving when the car went over the cliff killing Grace. There are many conspiracies about her death. I believe Jack Ruby was involved.

 
At 5:06 AM , Blogger N. Dowed said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 5:13 AM , Blogger Pepita ( sister of Peeps ) said...

Mr Williams - Are you aware that Peeps has plans to move to Indianana this Spring. Perhaps you can show him the city.

 
At 6:39 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

w

 
At 6:46 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

PS - Please make certain you delete ALL comments from my friends and family. We would prefer that there were no physical evidence that we were ever acquaintances - it would be like living next door to John Hinkley.
Merci

 
At 6:47 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

i see you are here - this is as close as i have been to you - you can almost delete as fast as I can compose WOW

 
At 6:51 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

do you do circumsisions as well as blog deletions?

 
At 6:54 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

the stupid shame dickhead is ALL i wanted waas to show you how fine I thought you were. and to perhaps to hope I could impress you. total innocent admiration that you distorted its honesty and needed to twist it into something it never was. damn i hope you have a wife, a girlfriend, a boyfriend or an attractive sheep in your life to give you balance.

 
At 6:59 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

damn, the vicodan must be kicking in - you are 37 or 67 - if 67, intimadated by my youth, if 37, intimidated by my skill

 
At 6:59 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

damn, the vicodan must be kicking in - you are 37 or 67 - if 67, intimadated by my youth, if 37, intimidated by my skill

 
At 6:59 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

damn, the vicodan must be kicking in - you are 37 or 67 - if 67, intimadated by my youth, if 37, intimidated by my skill

 
At 7:00 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

{

 
At 7:02 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

you must be at work or making a doody - you are no longer rapidly deleting comments from my family and I.

 
At 7:04 AM , Blogger Jesus said...

For God's sake Joshua, please delete all his comments so he can disapear.

 
At 7:05 AM , Blogger Jesus said...

He DID promise to leave FOREVER after today - St Valentines Day. I believe him - let him loose!

 
At 7:48 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

mone: Clean underwear, well I better head 2nd hand store, they pre-clean their underwear, right?

 
At 9:25 AM , Blogger Jesus said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 9:29 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

The underwear in second hand stores has visible skid marks Josh. I would go for something new, something packaged 3 in a cellophane package. Wal-Mart has them for 3 for $5.99. I think your ass is worth $2.00 - don't you>

 
At 9:33 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

I was thinking last night that Hollywood made Jurasic Park 1, 2 and 3. Plus Raiders of the Loast Ark 1, 2 and 3. And The Bourne Identity 1, 2 and 3. Yet fine films like Citizen Kane and Gone with the Wind and To Kill a Mockingbird had no sequels. What does that say about our society? To much time is spent sending asskissing comments to mean Bloggers

 
At 9:38 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

Our father was an animal pedophile. We unable to keep pets -dogs or cats or gerbils or snakes in our home. We had him arrested for his behavior numerous times, but during the trials it was difficult to get our pets to testify against him.

 
At 9:47 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

After my father's open heart surgery he was, as common practice, given a catheter. A week later when the catheter was removed, it's inflatable rubber bulb which was instered inside the urethea, was removed too abruptly by the Jamaican nurse. Later my father found that when urinating, the normal strong straight stream he passed was gone. Instead he now pissed like a wide fountain. He would sometimes during picnics, lay on his back and urinate, looking much like the fountains at the Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. Our Dad always made us so proud.

 
At 9:52 AM , Blogger Peeps said...

Real life is JUST EXACTLY LIKE a Forties/Frank Capra movie:
YEAH, IF YOU ARE ADDICITED TO HEROIN.

A librarian can be ugly as hell, but once she takes off her glasses and lets her hair down, she's an instant knockout.
NEVER HEARD THAT ONE - TODAY! THINK I WILL HAVE IT TATOOED ON MY WEENIE SO I WILL NEVER FORGET IT

 
At 10:04 AM , Blogger ANONYOMOUS said...

My Grandmother was transexual. She has the surgery at age 52. It was successful - her voice deepened and she grew facial hair. She sported a regulars man's haircut. During her surgery she was even given an ersatz penis which she loved showing to anyone with interest. Strangely, she still had the feminine urge to wear pantyhose, which she did under her suits and jeans. She never wore socks. When she crossed her legs in a manly way we would all leave the room. It was too uncomfortable seeing her pantyhose above her shoes.

 
At 10:11 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

and when he was bad .....

 
At 10:13 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:14 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 10:35 AM , Blogger EBEZP said...

Hey Dude Happy Valentines.

Peeps needs sorting mate, just delete is probably best for all?

 
At 10:45 AM , Blogger the voice of the people said...

EBEZP said...
Hey Dude Happy Valentines.

Peeps needs sorting mate, just delete is probably best for all?

FINALLY A VOICE OF REASON. I AM GOING TO PUT HANDCUFFS ON NOW AND SEE IF THAT WORKS - THE LOBOTOMY IS THE LAST CHOICE ... PLEASE SEND ME BACK TO NEVER NEVER LAND CAPTAIN JOSH

 
At 10:45 AM , Blogger the voice of the people said...

EBEZP said...
Hey Dude Happy Valentines.

Peeps needs sorting mate, just delete is probably best for all?

FINALLY A VOICE OF REASON. I AM GOING TO PUT HANDCUFFS ON NOW AND SEE IF THAT WORKS - THE LOBOTOMY IS THE LAST CHOICE ... PLEASE SEND ME BACK TO NEVER NEVER LAND CAPTAIN JOSH

 
At 3:23 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ebezp: Yep I am will out source this task soon. Thanks JW

 
At 5:15 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

Does anyone know a slow Rock tune that you can dance to that is about penis envy? The best that I can come up with is "And They Call it Puppy Love".I need this music for a very special event. We are giving Josh a Surprise Birthday Party. WE have rented the American Legion Hall room near Josh for this event. The decorations will be blue and white twisted crepe paper streamers on the ceiling and running down the walls. The buffet meal includes meatloaf topped with criss crossed bacon, macaroni and Kraft cheese, lima beans with "I can't believe it's not Butter", molded Jello salads with crushed pineapple and minature marshmallows. And of course the desset will be devil's food cupcakes with blue and white icing. We would like everyone to dress in blue and white in keeping with our theme. Sears has a nice collection of both men's and women's clothing in blue and white. And fantastic blue and white sneakers for only $9.99! John Wittier High School has been kind enought to lend us a dozen computers. After dinner guests can line up and wait their turn at a computer. WE want every one to go to their favorite "My Mule" Blog and leave Josh your best asskissing comment. Then Josh will make a reply comment to a lucky few, one of his sly condescending comments which seems to arouse so many of us. The winner with get a spotlight dance with Josh to the penis envy song. Don't worry, disposable cameras will be on every table - everyone can take home memories of this birthday. Josh has assured us he WILL have clean underwear. During the meal, baskets will be passed - we ask a $3.00 donation to offset expenses to be made. OK my "Blue and White" buddies, see you soon.

 
At 5:24 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

josh - please don't read above - it's a surprise. can't imagine why i am still a welcomed guest here. the only thing i cant think of is that you are contacting google/blogger to complain about me - don't waste your time. been there, done that. seems as if blogspot has the first admendment stuck so far up their ass that they can't even fart. they will get involved with child porn, libel and impersonating someone. their dickhead rules are easily found on the signiin page if you wish to check me out. otherwise, from their point of view, what i am doing is merely expressing my free speech. and don't forget i was always a gentlman until mother toilet said shit and fuck and retard to me. i still can't believe that any bitch that knows how to use a keyboard would EVER refer to the mentally challenged as "retards". and these are the people that you get a woody from kissing your ask. josh, god i hope you occasionally get laid

 
At 5:31 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

Dearest Joshua,
You have yet to write me at my email address: (billdelanc@gmail.com)
I told you that you needen't use your "real" email address - in mere minutes you can create a temporary email address at gmail, yahoo or hot mail. Why do I have the balls to publish my email? Simply because if anyone sends me any shit, their address goes into my "blocked" list, along with junk mail. So at worse, I read a sentence or two from an asshole. My email looks strange because my proper name is William Christopher delancy - when I opened my gmail account the name Billdelancy was taken. Rather than add 3912 to the end of my address I simply dropped the "y" in deLancy and was immediately accepted. So drop me a note Joshua, am dying to see if you have balls.

 
At 5:33 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

joshy - you show me on the beach in my jock but yet you deleted my ass shot - i got a great 27 year old ass - why would you delete it -look at some of the other photos you have - looks like a selection
from the Holloween Movie High School cast.

 
At 5:37 AM , Blogger PEEPS said...

Boy - You better delete my ass out of here or I will start using a photo of my pecker at full mast. And we both know most of your female readers won't recognize it since there are no batteries in it!

 

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