Tuesday, September 04, 2007

I Share the Wisdom of the Sea


Landshark
Yes this stolen cartoon is a rerun, still funny, I think the word seen is cool.

Tips written for my club, a wise man I be and stuff. (Unedideded)


Waking up up laying face down on the fore deck of the Queen Anne’s Revenge, was a new not a new one for me, but this time something was different. I had a knot on the back of my head from some sort of blunt head trauma, my hands tied in a knot stretched tight over my head and another around my legs, pulled tight. I was hanging above my own deck like a hammock, a strikingly handsome hammock but a hammock non-the less. My mouth was gagged with a monkey’s fist knot, which I marveled at because the monkeys fist is among the dying breed of knots.
I realized my boat and myself were in the middle of Eagle Ocean, me hanging hammock like before the mast. I heard laughter and craned my neck towards the laughter and recognized Jack Bellamy and Tailer at the wheel, both of them drinking straight from my beloved blender vessel passing it back and forth, my own recipes I would imagine. I shouted through the monkeys fist, “hey, drop my beloved vessel”! More laughter…I hung like a hammock as I mentioned and watched the two mock me and disrespect my blender vessel which has become legendary for its nectar. The story goes my blender vessel is as close to a perpetual motion machine as human kind will come to for some time now, until the computers invent one, which does not really does count, its like cheating but ... It is like cheating. Yet, these two cads where mocking my efforts to make the club a place that belongs on the map as one of the civilized clubs, one that has a nearly perfect perpetual motion machine, the sailing club that is so civilized we have transcended the blue blazer as dress code.
I yelled again at the two brothers in contempt, and they laughed and asked me if I had ever been “keel hauled”…
From Wikipedia: Keelhauling (from Dutch kielhalen; "to drag along the keel") was a severe form of corporal punishment meted out to sailors at sea.
The sailor was tied to a rope that looped beneath the vessel, thrown overboard on one side of the ship, and dragged under the ship's keel to the other side. As the hull was often covered in barnacles and other marine growth, this could result in lacerations and other injuries. This generally happened if the offender was pulled quickly. If pulled slowly, his weight might lower him sufficiently to miss the barnacles but might result in his drowning. If the rope snapped, the Captain could conclude that the punishment was not done properly and order it carried out again.

I asked for what and they replied in unison, “cause if you ain’t got no tips for the club we gonna Keelhaul ya” more laugher … I replied uhhh I got some tips, I was then hit in the head with a banana! I said, dudes, banana’s are bad luck on a boat, the two knot heads replied in unison, “sure seems to be for you” more laughter.
I said dudes, the water is low I have a wing keel and its resting on the bottom, how can you keel haul me if the keel is on the bottom? “ Tailer said we can do anything if we put our minds and backs into it” replied Sam. I got to thinking and came up with some mighty fine tips although I admit they were thought up under duress.


1. If the opportunity knocks, do not volunteer to be keelhauled.
2. Do not drink green lake water.
3. Bananas are bad luck on board ship. They also hurt when thrown hard enough at your noodle. The pointy part hurts the most.
4. The garbage can by the grill has a 8 5/8” hole drilled for the deposit of recyclable aluminum cans, use it, we can help lighten our carbon footprint plus the money from the sale will help ease the pain of our dues…True in all aspects of our life, maybe.
5. Is the hole on the can, can really 8 5/8” in diameter? I will wager that the first person to correct me can offer a donation of $45.00 towards a good cause.
6. When one attempts to fathom the thoughts of Mark Twain are they less of a person if they mark less?
7. Samuel Clemens lived as a reporter in Virginia City, it is said he took his pen name from his time on the river boat, marking twain meant that the person at the head of the boat would be measuring the depth of the water with a rope and weight with knots in the rope every six feet, each twain was two fathom’s (six feet) hence the name. Another theory less popular was that when he was a journalist in Virginia City, Nevada he would enter his favorite watering hole and say “Mark Twain” which meant he was asking for two drinks on his tab… Being a pirate’s buddy and a man of the world I suspect it was the riverboat that gave him his pen name, because he offered the name to himself, and not to be known as a western drunk. The Virginia City legend was offered by those who he made fun of, (the poor fella lost his job telling the truth about the news). He moved to San Francisco where he was quoted to say “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco” He soon landed a job to travel and write about a boat trip to Hawaii…
8. When you are stuck in the doldrums while sailing to Hawaii, read some Twain.
9. Do not believe everything you read.
10. Bring Gifts.
11. You read my rambles about Twain, don’t get me started on Joshua Slocum, or of course the Big Show from WWF fame.

Kind Regards Bailer


15 Comments:

At 4:27 PM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

White and Smith are some famous pilots too.
Starkel and his canoe trip is worth searching out.
Remember, Wed. is garbage day, and Mon. was a holiday, don't get caught with your trash up.
Mom

 
At 6:38 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toilets: Thursday is garbage day, if I put it out Wednesday it is rummaged by the bandits and other nocturnal beasts some of them marsupials. Are you or were you ever a marsupial? Don Starkel wore diapers by choice not because he needed them, and as far you know White and Smith I prefer Antoine de Saint-Exupéry because his name is so easy to spell and I know who he is...My trash is always up. Peace Toilets peace JWW

 
At 4:11 PM , Blogger damnsle said...

Every day is trash day; I live in an apartment and the dumpster is just across the lawn from me. I love the smell of 16 day old cat litter in the morning. Joy.

I'm not too keen on Twain. I've only read a little bit, but he seems kind of misogynistic and dull. But that opinion may be ingrained from my AmLit teacher in the 7th grade who was a certified razor-impaired lunatic-fringe Nazi feminist. S/He was so cool.

 
At 6:21 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

damsle: Yes some of Twains stuff was dull, but he loved cats, he adored his wife and daughters and try this for a read...
http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/twainlfe.htm

Letters From the Earth

 
At 9:45 AM , Blogger SleekPelt said...

May I jump in here and suggest that Twain's A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court is a fascinating read that touches on a question man (and woman) has asked himself (and herself) since Mark Twain first introduced the very idea of time travel in literature with this very novel: What could I, as a modern man (or woman, but man in my case), accomplish if I were to go back in time, left only with my wits, to contend with the savages? Twain's answer to this question is satirical and brilliant, in my humble opinion.

 
At 11:02 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

sleek: Thanks sleek,I have not read that in years, I did reread Huckleberry Finn a few years ago fires some shots over the bow of racism. As for him being a misogynist read chapter V111 in Letters From the Earth this one shakes it up abit.

 
At 12:31 PM , Blogger Lee Ann said...

Hey!
Which one of those guys on the boat is you?
Looks like you are having a great time. Nice boat!

 
At 12:53 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

How do you remember which is "port" and which is "starboard"?

I always remember that they are the opposite of what they sound like.

 
At 3:31 PM , Blogger Toby said...

Port is left?

 
At 4:42 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

lee ann: I am the one taking the photo, not my boat, a charter.As a rule I am always the one taking the photo...

Zen: I used to have a trick but I forgot it, I just remember like right or left...almost as well...I suppose left has four letters as does port and starboard has more letters as does right.

Toby: Yes, you passed half the test so which is starboard? The clock is ticking my friend...(Jeopardy tune in the background)

 
At 9:30 AM , Blogger matty said...

Commander Josh! I've been wrong for so long --- no wonder I run into such woes when I skip across the great seas! I thought bananas were good luck on a boat!

 
At 11:12 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Matt: Dude blue water sailing and the high seas is a serious no/no.

 
At 5:43 AM , Blogger Toby said...

I live a block from Lake Michigan, I took sailing lessons a long time ago. The only thing I remember other than to always wear a life preserver? is port has the same amount of letters as left. Ask me about the fish I've caught. I'll tell you the best was a 21lb. Lake Trout. I've caught bigger, but that trout was the best.

 
At 4:38 AM , Blogger EBEZP said...

You said bring gifts so I did!
By the way thank you for the comments on mine while I was away! Here is your free web album. Enjoy

 
At 12:45 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Thanks dude, welcome home.

 

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