I Share the Wisdom of the Sea

Landshark
Yes this stolen cartoon is a rerun, still funny, I think the word seen is cool.

Tips written for my club, a wise man I be and stuff. (Unedideded)


Waking up up laying face down on the fore deck of the Queen Anne’s Revenge, was a new not a new one for me, but this time something was different. I had a knot on the back of my head from some sort of blunt head trauma, my hands tied in a knot stretched tight over my head and another around my legs, pulled tight. I was hanging above my own deck like a hammock, a strikingly handsome hammock but a hammock non-the less. My mouth was gagged with a monkey’s fist knot, which I marveled at because the monkeys fist is among the dying breed of knots.
I realized my boat and myself were in the middle of Eagle Ocean, me hanging hammock like before the mast. I heard laughter and craned my neck towards the laughter and recognized Jack Bellamy and Tailer at the wheel, both of them drinking straight from my beloved blender vessel passing it back and forth, my own recipes I would imagine. I shouted through the monkeys fist, “hey, drop my beloved vessel”! More laughter…I hung like a hammock as I mentioned and watched the two mock me and disrespect my blender vessel which has become legendary for its nectar. The story goes my blender vessel is as close to a perpetual motion machine as human kind will come to for some time now, until the computers invent one, which does not really does count, its like cheating but ... It is like cheating. Yet, these two cads where mocking my efforts to make the club a place that belongs on the map as one of the civilized clubs, one that has a nearly perfect perpetual motion machine, the sailing club that is so civilized we have transcended the blue blazer as dress code.
I yelled again at the two brothers in contempt, and they laughed and asked me if I had ever been “keel hauled”…
From Wikipedia: Keelhauling (from Dutch kielhalen; "to drag along the keel") was a severe form of corporal punishment meted out to sailors at sea.
The sailor was tied to a rope that looped beneath the vessel, thrown overboard on one side of the ship, and dragged under the ship's keel to the other side. As the hull was often covered in barnacles and other marine growth, this could result in lacerations and other injuries. This generally happened if the offender was pulled quickly. If pulled slowly, his weight might lower him sufficiently to miss the barnacles but might result in his drowning. If the rope snapped, the Captain could conclude that the punishment was not done properly and order it carried out again.

I asked for what and they replied in unison, “cause if you ain’t got no tips for the club we gonna Keelhaul ya” more laugher … I replied uhhh I got some tips, I was then hit in the head with a banana! I said, dudes, banana’s are bad luck on a boat, the two knot heads replied in unison, “sure seems to be for you” more laughter.
I said dudes, the water is low I have a wing keel and its resting on the bottom, how can you keel haul me if the keel is on the bottom? “ Tailer said we can do anything if we put our minds and backs into it” replied Sam. I got to thinking and came up with some mighty fine tips although I admit they were thought up under duress.


1. If the opportunity knocks, do not volunteer to be keelhauled.
2. Do not drink green lake water.
3. Bananas are bad luck on board ship. They also hurt when thrown hard enough at your noodle. The pointy part hurts the most.
4. The garbage can by the grill has a 8 5/8” hole drilled for the deposit of recyclable aluminum cans, use it, we can help lighten our carbon footprint plus the money from the sale will help ease the pain of our dues…True in all aspects of our life, maybe.
5. Is the hole on the can, can really 8 5/8” in diameter? I will wager that the first person to correct me can offer a donation of $45.00 towards a good cause.
6. When one attempts to fathom the thoughts of Mark Twain are they less of a person if they mark less?
7. Samuel Clemens lived as a reporter in Virginia City, it is said he took his pen name from his time on the river boat, marking twain meant that the person at the head of the boat would be measuring the depth of the water with a rope and weight with knots in the rope every six feet, each twain was two fathom’s (six feet) hence the name. Another theory less popular was that when he was a journalist in Virginia City, Nevada he would enter his favorite watering hole and say “Mark Twain” which meant he was asking for two drinks on his tab… Being a pirate’s buddy and a man of the world I suspect it was the riverboat that gave him his pen name, because he offered the name to himself, and not to be known as a western drunk. The Virginia City legend was offered by those who he made fun of, (the poor fella lost his job telling the truth about the news). He moved to San Francisco where he was quoted to say “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco” He soon landed a job to travel and write about a boat trip to Hawaii…
8. When you are stuck in the doldrums while sailing to Hawaii, read some Twain.
9. Do not believe everything you read.
10. Bring Gifts.
11. You read my rambles about Twain, don’t get me started on Joshua Slocum, or of course the Big Show from WWF fame.

Kind Regards Bailer