Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Save the Novel

Having attained a level of respect as a literary publicist not to mention my success at the art of the review. I have started a project to help slow the demise of the novel. The title often sells the book (see Travels with Roscoe) so I have started a small list and hope to expand this list before I loose interest. These books need to have their titles changed, they would sell and we the few would not be so alone. Now Gods Debris had a great title and so did Gravitys Rainbow, but there are so many that could use a little help. Any suggestions would be welcome. Kind Regards JW

Of Mice and Men: A Small Little Bum and His Big Stupid Bum Friend

Hamlet: Omelet (really just a more contemporary name)

War and Peace: Read This Book Someone Took A lot of Time To Translate It So It Must Be Good.

The Sun Also Rises: A Drunken Romp with A Bunch of Bulls and Drunks

Gravity’s Rainbow: Really this is a great title, I read the book years ago, still do not know what its about, or what the title means. Bravo! Excellent title!

All Quite on the Western Front: Bloody realistic look at WW1 it Sucked to be Them


At 9:17 AM , Blogger Toby said...

War and Peace: War - What Is It Good For? (Seinfeld)

All Quite on the Western Front: WWI Trench Warfare - How it shut a lot of people up.

The Great Gatsby: I was no magician, I didn't even play one on TV. *hic*

At 10:11 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: Yes I think we are onto something here. All Quite on the Western Front: Trench Foot Sucks Big Time.

At 10:48 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Dianetics: 'I need to take a crap'

how good am i??

At 10:54 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

jane: Your hired ,send your application fee. Thanks JW

At 5:15 PM , Blogger The Fool said...

Gravity's Rainbow is a bit of a twister, ain't it? Still, as you point out, it has a great title.

Ulysses: Certainly not the myth, Roman or Greek...but you'll feel like your reading Roma-Greek.

Nice haunts...I'll have to have a look around...and I'll consider some other titles for your compendium.

At 5:23 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

the fool: I almost included Ulysses but I did not. I guess I knew you would and include the depth of misunderstanding one could read, and reread. I remember reading an interview with Edward Abbey years ago (before he died) and he mentioned that he sat in the desert in his trailer reading Gravitys Rainbow, a scorpion bit him on his foot and he smashed it with the same foot. Then continued to read he was so into the book. I bought the book and spent alot of sweat and tears on the thing, I think I am a better man for it, how I do not know. Thanks

At 6:02 PM , Blogger The Fool said...

Gravity's Rainbow was a tough read for me too, Josh. I was compelled to read it...all the way through...and never understood why. In the end, I reflected, and didn't get much further than, "Huh?"

And please, watch that lower case "f" - that's reserved for the other "fool."

- The Fool


At 6:21 PM , Blogger The Fool said...

Little Birds (Anais Nin): uh, yeah - right...

Haroun & the Sea of Stories (Salmon Rushdie): Childrens' story? How about - How I got screwed for writing a good book...

The Name of the Rose (Umberto Eco): Franciscans gone amok...and how to think...but Rose?

Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus (Wittgenstein): How to make a BIG circle to make a little point. Skip to the end.

Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (Pirsig): Don't begin by expecting to be able to fix your Hog when your finished.

To Kill a Mockingbird: Why?

The Secret Life of Salvador Dali (Dali): Make up your own life for the hell of it.

The Holy Bible: Sinning for the Hell of it.


At 6:31 PM , Blogger ~d said...


I should bust a cap in yo' ass, but omelet this one slide.

At 4:19 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

the fool: Yep, felt compelled to read it to page "the end". Why? I'll watch the f's and F's JW

the fool: Well done, you have a talent. I had pondered To Kill a Mockingbird: How to Mend Two Birds with One Splint Thanks for the input, this I think is important work, say hey to the fool.How to make a Big Circle with a Little Point, bravo. JW

At 5:58 AM , Blogger Sarah said...

"The Sun Also Rises: A Drunken Romp with A Bunch of Bulls and Drunks"

I love it, Ihave read this book several times and I am even more interested in it now that it's name has changed.

At 6:06 AM , Blogger The Fool said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 10:48 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

A Farewell to Arms: No Venus di Milo's Were Killed in the Writing of This Book.

The Great Gatsby: How One Apple Fell Far From His Dad, The Mediocre Gatsby.

Portnoy's Complaint: Uh...Uh...Coming Mother!

Get Shorty: A Smartassed Gangster Makes Just As Good Of Movies As the Next Guy.

A Catcher in the Rye: You Should See Him When He's Not Drinking Rye; the Dude is Freakin' Pete Rose...

Sharky's Machine: Somehow Sounds More Readable Than Boston Scrod's Machine.

Moby-Dick: You'd Be A Dick Too, If Some Psycho Was After You With a Harpoon.

Slaughterhouse Five: Would Have Been Slaughterhouse Seven, But Two Guys Picked a Bad Time to Play One-On-One in Dresden.

Deliverance: For His Sake, I Wish There Would Have Been a Deliverance of KY Jelly from Walgreens.

To Kill A Mockingbird: Would Have Been a Lot Less Violent If It Would Have Been Called, "To '69' A Mockingbird.'"

Gone With The Wind: How the Antebellum South Was Kinda Like Your Last Fart-Lighting Contest.

From Here To Eternity: Hope You Have a Toyota Prius With Today's Gas Prices.

Lonesome Dove: How One Dove Kicked Dr. Neil Clark Warren's Ass After He Filled Out That Whole Profile and Didn't Get Hooked Up With Shit.

The Right Stuff: A Prequel to The Wrong Stuff, Which Is About Guys With Bad SAT Scores Scraping Birdshit Off A Plane.

At 11:22 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Sarah: Glad you likey...

Zen: Damn bro you got a chamber full.
Thanks for the input at this rate I feel now is the time we buy stock in all the big book stores cause, books, theys coming back! Thanks Zen

At 11:56 AM , Blogger MarmiteToasty said...

Im more into your doodle author Harlen Corben at the moment :) I cant get enough of the bloke.....


At 1:32 PM , Blogger Toby said...

Beowulf: I took it with me.

At 3:13 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toasty: I am at a loss.

toby: Beowulf: I took it with me. Best yet!

At 5:45 PM , Blogger The Fool said...

Can't touch the Wiz's list...that's good, but I guess the poets shouldn't be immune:

e e cummings: How to speak with marbles in your mouth

Ezra Pound: How to piss off everybody in twelve different languages.

Rumi: Auditory pheromones for the hormones

Blake: The angels told me to do it.

At 6:48 PM , Blogger ing said...

The Zen Wiz wins the contest, if this is, indeed, a contest. Which, it is a contest, right? Did you not promise thousands of dollars and a truckload of weed to the winner?

As an alternate for Hamlet, might I suggest Gimlet?

Gravity's Rainbow is a beautiful title. I also like pretty much every title Dave Eggers has come up with, and this one: Samuel Johnson Is Indignant. That's an awesome title, it really is.

At 6:53 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

the fool: Lower case because this is how you are presented on my little window...I'm not one to pick favorites but if I were this would be mine...Ezra Pound: How to piss off everybody in twelve different languages. This input is invaluable, time will tell if we can save the Novel but with this input I feel optimistic...Thankee JW

At 7:00 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: A vodka omelet sounds wonderful. I have to admit I am not up to speed with my contributors. However I do have the advantage of knowing I would not be the ace in the hole. Truth be told, to save the Novel we need to find the Novel and the best alternative title...The prize? Just some good old fashion knowledge!

At 8:00 PM , Blogger The Fool said...

It's your house.


At 4:43 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

The Fool: Me casa es su house.Do not underestimate the importance of this project, we are all winners if we are able to save the Novel, culture and in the end the entire world. Fixin' it one title at a time.

At 7:22 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Of Mice and Men: The Terminix Pest Control Story.

Washington Square: The Life of John Edwards.

The House of Mirth: Would Be Really Valuable If It Was Attached to The House of Frankenthenth.

Sister Carrie: One Woman Enters a Monastery After A Really Bad Prom Night Experience.

Winesburg, Ohio: One Whole Town Simultaneously Whines That They Would Rather Be In Palm Springs.

For Whom the Bell Tolls: An Editor Corrects Hemmingway's Manuscript of, "For Who [sic] the Bell Tolls."

The Grapes of Wrath: Three Fifteen-Year-Olds' First Experience With Boones Farm Strawberry Hill.

Native Son: One Spoiled Beverly Hills Brat Attends USC With Nothing But a Trust Fund and a Bumper Sticker That Says, "Welcome to California, Now Go Home!"

Keepers of the House: Michael Vick's Cousin's Virginia Memoirs. Arf!

The Moviegoer: One Man's Defiance Against HD-DVD and Juicy Fruits Stuck To His Shoe.

At 8:00 PM , Blogger jungle jane said...

I finished Roscoe's Tales! It was AWESOME. Man, that dude's monkey rocks. i thought he was a gonner when they rolled the campervan...

At 1:49 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: You are indeed a gifted titlest.Keep em coming we may save the world yet.

Jane: Glad you liked Travels, I loved the police report.

At 1:27 AM , Blogger Pixie Sprinkle said...

yo josh...got any weed?

At 2:07 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

pixie: Its been forever and a day since I have heard from you, your looking and sounding great! As a matter of fact I have three varities of poison ivy in my yard, three! Now thats some weed action eh?

At 5:09 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

The Dharma Bums: A Bunch of Groupies and Hangers-On Mooch Off the Lead Guitarist for Blue Oyster Cult.

Little Women: Five Sisters Explore the Seedy Underbelly of Midget Porn.

A Kiss Before Dying: The Nelson Rockefeller Story.

Wuthering Heights: Heathcliff Exploits the Lack of Stalking Laws in Nineteenth Century England.

Stranger In a Strange Land: A Genius Loner With an IQ Over 90 Joins a Professional Wrestler on his Tour of the Alabama Professional Wrestling Circuit.

The Moon is a Harsh Mistress: Memoirs of the One Man in Hollywood who Never Dated Lindsay Lohan.

The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter: The Story of One Heart Who was an Even Worse Shot Than Dick Cheney.

The French Lieutenant's Woman: One Woman's Struggle to Get More Than Cunnilingus Off of Her Lieutenant.

The Naked and the Dead: Marilyn Manson's Backstage Diary.

The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie: Miss Jean Brodie Dumps Twelve Guys for "Being Too Nice," Then Takes Off With a Bad-Boy Motorcyclist With Fifty Tattoos.

Brideshead Revisited: (Out of respect for the groom, who is a personal friend, I will bite my tongue and not write this novel...)

At 5:34 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: I sit in my swivel chair in awe, you run my man!

At 7:58 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

This is my last one, because this excercise is disturbingly addictive:

Howards End: In This Grisham Novel, a Young, Idealistic Memphis Lawyer Gets Howard's Sodomy Charge Reduced to "Tailgating."

(Is there a support group for people who write alternative titles when they are supposed to be working??)

At 1:18 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

zen: if there was a support group I would be reluctant to share my knowledge, I liked the last one funny stuff. Dont stop, come backs are very dramatic and fans eat them up! Have a great weekend JW

At 9:06 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil: Jim-dandy.

At 9:11 AM , Blogger Toby said...

I'm always second guessing - Jimmy done Dandy?

At 4:27 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: Actually in this case I like the Jimmy done Dandy...huh, rules are meant to be broken, so I guess you never second guess yourself unless you think maybe you might be right.

At 6:42 PM , Blogger ing said...

Well, I think the novel has been officially saved. Yes? No?

At 4:32 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: I have hope and with to much hope I main faith, I do not have faith yet but I do have hope.It has been a brave and worthy effort.

At 10:58 AM , Blogger Phats said...

Hmm I have actually read some of those, and would support the name changes. Does Mel Gibson still play the lead in Omelet?

At 11:11 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

phats: Mels no Omelet, to much on in his cups.

At 2:08 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Well, you already did "The Sun Also Rises," but I would re-title it, "In A Semi-Fictional Account, the Pillsbury Doughboy Explores The Splendor of Daybreak on 7 Continents, Ending In Italy, Where They Mistakenly Make Him Into a Cheese Calzone."

At 4:47 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

zen: Just in time, the press's were ready to run,but now we have a new title and I think this book will fly off the shelves! Maybe we should consider rewriting the books, like they do movie remakes...Hmmmm. Might take a little effort and some © hurdles but if your dont dare to change then everything remains the same except what changes around you and stuff.

At 6:34 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

I didn't think of this; I saw it somewhere, but you can update most classical titles by adding a "Dude" query, e.g.,

Moby-Dick -- Dude, Where’s My Whale?

The Iliad -- Dude, Where’s My Trojans?

The Catcher in the Rye -- Dude, Where’s My Innocence?

A Tale of Two Cities -- Dude, Where’s My Head?

The Red and the Black -- Dude, Where’s My Color Sense?

The Sun Also Rises -- Dude, Where’s My Dick

Slaughterhouse Five: Dude, Where's My Dresden?

Zen & the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: Most Enlightened Dude, Where's My Crescent Wrench?

All Quiet On the Western Front: Dude, Where's My Gasmask?

The Great Gatsby: Dude, Where's My Quiet Desperation?

Deliverance: Dude, Where's My Crossbow?

The Right Stuff: Dude, Where's My Aircraft Carrier?

Gone With the Wind: Dude, Where's My Resolve to Never Go Hungry Again?

The Remains of the Day: Dude, Where's My Unrequited Love?

Howards End: Dude, Where's My Almost Masochistic British Reserve?

The Last of the Mohicans: Dude, Where's My Gene Pool?

At 6:47 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Oh, and:

The Last Tycoon: Dude, Where's the Second Act in My American Life?

At 6:53 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Wait: Dude Where's My Quiet Desperation? would be the new title to Walden.

The retitling of The Great Gatsby would be, "Dude, Where's West Egg, Long Island?"

At 7:23 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

zen: Dude I stand and applaud.

At 10:11 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

The Sound and the Fury:


Dude, Where's My Earplugs?

Dude, Where's My Autistic Brother?


Dude, Where's the Stable Southern Middle Class?

At 1:47 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Catch-22: Dude, Where's My 4-F Discharge?


Dude, Where's the 38th Parallel?

At 1:56 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

The Godfather:

Dude, Where's Your Omerta?

Dude, Where's the Cannelloni?

Dude, Where's Your Horse?

Dude, Where's Your Request, On This, The Day of My Daughter's Wedding?

At 2:31 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

(Wait--I got Catch 22 and M*A*S*H mixed up--it's been a long day.)

At 4:57 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

zen: I planted the seed but I think you sir have saved the novel for a few more generations. The ole catch 22 is tricky as you have discovered yourself...Thank you so much for the support, I really do like not being alone in a mission. You good people.

At 4:25 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

I, Claudius--

Dude, Where's My Chariot?

Dude, Where's the Senate?

Dude, Where's the Temple of Jupiter?

Dude, Whither the Pax Romana?

At 4:48 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

zens en fuego!

At 2:15 PM , Blogger zen wizard said...

Rio Bravo--

Dude, Where's Dude?

(I realize it is a violation of Dudeology to use Dude twice in a sentence, but I take poetic license as it is in one hand a restrictive code and in the latter case his Christian name.)

Richard III--

Dude, Like, My Kingdom For a Horse, Totally.

Brokeback Mountain--

Whoa, I Know Those Dudes! They're Fags, Dude!


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