Monday, April 23, 2007

The Roscoe Papers

In the golden age Roscoe had the foresight to create dog houses from used washing machines. Roscoe made some fat cash from this endeavor and now is selling part of his story online for near pennies. On the right hand margin you can purchase a first edition of Travels with Roscoe. It doesn’t cost much for the bundle of happiness you will receive. Kind Regards JW

Long ago, on a distant bulletin board

Most read story in TeamMooch!:
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Posted by: wyatt on Apr 16, 2001 - 08:13 PM
[TeamMooch!] I have an old refrigerator I hope to convert into a dog house. Does anyone have some old motorcycle parts I can use for the conversion?

by roscoe on Apr 17, 2001 - 04:48 PM
You don't really want to convert an old refrigerator into a dog house . First, if that dog bites into the feon coil he's gonna get a real bad headache. If your dog gets a real bad headache, it's gonna be grumpy. B, a refrigerator can be top-heavy. One good gust of wind can squish Old Faithful flat (flat dog = crying kids). Third, purchase a washing machine converted into a dog house. You will enjoy a lower center of gravity and without freon , it is environmentally friendly. I have an old Maytag modified with some Hodaka Super Rat components that works just fine. It's a classic. And my Rott, 3-Foot just loves it. He is a lot smarter than old 2-Foot.

by Anonymous on Apr 17, 2001 - 07:21 PM
1. How much for the Maytag and do you offer financing? My old dog four foot has one foot in the grave after he ate the freon coil, you were a little late on the advice but thanks anyway.

by roscoe on Apr 19, 2001 - 04:00 PM
That Super Rat Maytag is not for sale. It is just a demonstrator. Now, I do have an avocado KawaMana I could put four foot into in just 41 or 42 easy payments . Sorry to hear the old pup is under the weather. He may come around in a few days. Maybe he can use a little Pepto & 7up, that always makes a rumblegut feel better.

by Anonymous on Apr 19, 2001 - 07:19 PM
My neighbor has a nice motorhome that I might trade you for the house. Do you barter?

by wyatt ( on Apr 25, 2001 - 04:57 PM
I'd like to make mention of the fact that I bought one of Roscoes Washing MAchine dog houses and my dog aint one damn bit cleaner than when I first put him in the contraption. The Rinse cycle is broken and spin dry just made my dog throw up. So what gives? I want my neighbors motor home I traded you for it back!

by roscoe on Apr 26, 2001 - 03:41 PM
I'm sorry, there will be no refund on the motorhome. I traded it to my neighbor Freak Show Roy for a chimpanzee named Diablo. Freak Show was going on the road and needed a tour bus. He said that monkey was a prime ape so I figured he was pretty smart and I could teach him to strip out washing machines. Since I don't speak Spanish I named him Tater (Tater Chimp, get it?). Well, things just got worse after that. It took an hour-and-a-half to wrestle Tater into his coveralls . He wouldn't keep his tools organized and all he wanted to do was pick bugs off the dogs.

The other day at lunch, Tater went nuts . He jumped up on the table, stripped himself naked, and started playing with his fish stick and hush puppies. He screamed and threw food everywhere. Old Two Foot sat there howling and confused. He's got a cataract in one eye , a sty on the other and his good ear was full of coleslaw . I thought that I would never get things to calm down.

So , if you have problems with your new dog palace, you can bring it back. But, your taken the monkey !

by wyatt ( on Apr 26, 2001 - 05:01 PM
I'll take the Chimp and put him to work detailing cars. Monkey Shines Detailing will be the name of my company.Does he eat people food?

by roscoe on Apr 28, 2001 - 08:03 PM
Freak Show told me Feed that ape what you eat. One thing is certain, he doesn't like seafood. Otherwise, he eats almost anything. Be careful. If you set him to work detail on cars, he is liable to start eaten turtle wax like chip dip. I don't know if he likes the wax or if he likes the turtle, but he can sure power that stuff down. Burritos and bananas!!! Do not feed him burritos and bananas! WHEW!!!

If you want this monkey for your car business, let's figure out a deal. Maybe we can trade some detailing on my new dog house palace line. A good buff and wax on household appliances can make them look like new .

by Anonymous on Apr 28, 2001 - 11:56 PM
No deal! Your Monkey is mine, and if you want to start trouble then you ask the little fool monkey who he wants to live with? ME IS the correct answer you monkey hogging fool!

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 11:02 PM
Roscoe, looks like weve got a real crack pot on the Forum. Monkey Hogging fool?

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 05:26 PM
OK Mister , it's a done deal. Spit and a handshake that monkey is yours . No more questions, arguments, promises, warranties or refunds... He is your monkey. May he bring to you all the joy and happiness that he gave me. In some ways I hate to see him go but, in most ways I say good luck and don't let him into the tequilas. He can be a mean drunk.

by Anonymous on May 02, 2001 - 07:02 PM
Not so fast there slicky! Keep away him away from the Tequila? I never trust a monkey that cant hold its liqour, find some other sucker! Now I recognise you for being one of those slick, fast talkin sophistimiticated con-men, I aint biten, fish is dumber waters slicky.Deals off!

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 07:49 PM
It's the darnest thing, just as I thought I was stuck with that monkey I fell into a gold mine. After dinner Tater got mad because I would not let him watch Adam 12 on the telvision set. Well, he got up and ripped the air-conditioner right out of the window! As he threw a fit around the garage, the insides fell out of that air-conditioner. With a little more work and some plexi-glass , it's going to make a great hamster or Guinea pig habitat. It needs a little more research and development because right now that motor driven exercise wheel really tuckers the little guys out. I'll grab the sprockets and chain from an old YZ and change the gearing. Thanks to that chimpanzee, I have a new product line . I'm gonna make millions!!

by baker ( on May 02, 2001 - 08:51 PM
Tread lightly my friend, I hold the Patent to the habitat cooler. My brain thought it up not your monkey.

by charlie on May 04, 2001 - 09:59 AM
Well I'm glad to see our web site is doing good service to those who need some safe place to hide. Roscoe, do you have any thing for my cat? 22 pound simese and meaner than hell. She killed 11 men in 9 minutes, she is hungry and must be fed daily, I just don't have it in me any more, old age and being banned from Osco dosen't help. Osco and Roscoe, they rhyme, they both treat cyapedigo, but one wears a diaper and one sells a diaper. A canoe tips and the pricks on the out side of a porcupine. Gotta go lick my wounds, thank dog I'm not injured where I can't lick. Waiting to cage a kitty in Cadiz. The moral to this story is if you can't remember the joke just blurt out the punch line, chances are we've all heard the joke before.
Help my cat.

by wyatt ( on May 04, 2001 - 10:18 AM
I have an old dryer, could that be converted to a exercise wheel for a gerbil who has a bad case of giganticism? I live near a nuculer plant.

by roscoe on May 04, 2001 - 08:21 PM
Charlie, HUH ? What did Wyatt's radioactive gerbil say to Charlie when he was hungry? Here kitty kitty! Now, that is a punch line. Has George W. Bush been writing your material? I have a monkey who's a tree climbing, p@@p flinging brain trust compared to that babble . What do you do for a 22 lb. cat? Well, I'm not really a cat type person so I'll just say buy nice big tupper-ware with a good seal. Otherwise, come on down to the monkey house . . .err, uh... design department. We'll hang an old Yokohama knobby tire for a swing and put Tater to work on your new cat house.

Wyatt, you could be on to something here. If there were some way to plug this glow in the dark Super rat in to that dryer, it might be the purest form of potential energy. A rodent dynamo! Hook that beast up to a turbine and power California!


At 5:42 PM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

Roscoe vintage 2001, it shows that Roscoe has been perfecting his craft for quite a while now.

Kind of funny, that Team Mooch dried up and washed away like a monkey terd in the yard.

My self I think the whole lot of ya'll are crack pots!


At 4:00 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

The beginning. Now is it spelled turd or terd?

At 6:37 AM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

I'm trying to keep things on the family side of darkness, I know how to spell turd.


At 7:20 AM , Blogger Winters said...

Great work. That Roscoe is one helluva guy, and a genius, too...

I don't know "terd" but a "turdette" is a thin feminine one...

At 7:32 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

winters:Turdette is going into my lexicon. I knew a fella with turdettes syndrom, he could not control his...

At 8:24 AM , Blogger ~d said...

I like to wear turdettes in my hair! I take the forn section and just clip the hell out of it with all the turdettes I own!

At 10:01 AM , Blogger Melissavina said...

May I suggest using dryers rather than washing machines? They're much roomier. I guess, the point is moot now, but it may have been a better idea.

Who am I kidding? Roscoe must have already thought of that.

At 12:47 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

~d: You are on the cutting edge of fashion. Maybe you should market your turdettes? Or maybe we could work together, one free turdette with every Roscoe book you order!

Melissavina: You name it Roscoe has thunk it, thats why he is sharing the "American Experience". He by all rights should sue Ira Glass for stealing his ideas. But nope Roscoe who is like the modern Will Rogers, he shared his thoughts on Ira Glass , " nope aint gonna sue, dont want to pay for some lawyers hair weaves" (No offense intended Zen)

At 2:46 PM , Blogger damnsle said...

OK, I've ordered the book. I am on tenter hooks awaiting the arrival of the tome.

I've promised myself that I'll not masturbate until the book arrives.

I don't know how I'll hold up...

At 2:58 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

damnsle:Glad you offered yourself a treat such as Roscoe, as for your delima, I suggest you tie yourself up and then have the mailman untie you when he delivers Roscoe.

At 2:31 PM , Blogger matty said...

Commander Josh -- If you say I should read this, then I shall! I will order my copy on pay day!

I don't wear turds, but someone told me that I do wear a lot of shit.

Let me assure you, it is top quality and stylish shit!

At 3:08 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

matty: the price is going up soon so the publisher can maybe break even and eventually pay royalties, so when pay day comes treat your self, Roscoe told me himself he would sign copies for a buck fifty. I don’t know how this works I am just a publicist. But thanks and it will be the best $4.00 bucks you done spent yet...

At 4:53 PM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

You guy's think Roscoe is funny, ask Josh triva questions about Queen!

Josh, how many members were in the original line up?

(hehe I said member...)


At 6:49 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toilets: I was one letter off from winning a really cool CD, your just jealous!

At 7:34 AM , Blogger SleekPelt said...

josh: You can have the CD anyway, if you want it. It's really good.

Another day, another day without Travels. I'm starting to wonder.

At 7:35 AM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

Oh yea, I'm jellous about the amount of Queen trivia you know.

I wish I had your brain and all it's Queen trivia.

In fact, I think you like Queen so much your are one!


Let's talk about Roscoe here and not sling turdetts

At 11:12 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Sleek: I emailed the publisher and hell yes I want the CD! Thanks.

Toilets:Play nice or no ice cream.

At 6:09 PM , Blogger ing said...

I hear that all turdettes aside, Matty is very familiar with the goldendoodle.

It's hard work being a publicist! How are you holding up? Is Roscoe one of those whiny, demanding authors?

At 7:49 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Roscoe is very easy to work with as long as he does not get wind of the movie rights I am negotiating with the Cohen brothers, he will not be badgering me for "his cut." Yeah I guess authors are a bit needy,here I am hitting the pavement doing all the work and he wants "his cut". Sheez!

At 10:52 AM , Blogger Winters said...

Roscoe and the Turdettes, Josh.

Better than Diana Ross and the Supremes, brother!

That"s why we smoke cigars and they do the work.

At 11:23 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: As the saying goes pigs get fat and hogs get slaugtered. Whatever that mean, I guess were fat cats but not hogs, I hope.

At 12:02 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Roscoe is so wise. I am going to name my refridgerator Roscoe.

Josh, you are wise too. I will name my car Josh.

You're welcome.

At 1:57 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Jungle Jane: Wow, its been ages since you visited and to come bearing such fine gifts!Your fridge, named after Roscoe! This is even higher praise than when the New York Times declared Travels with Roscoe "the great American Novel". As for your car I bet its a handsome sporty work of art! Hope all is well with you and the kittys, the door is always open, the good beer is in the right bottom drawer of the fridge, jiggle the handle on the toilet....


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