Sunday, May 13, 2007

Humilty is a Virtue

My sailing club puts out a newsletter via the interweb every month, I am the anonymous tipster, I share some wisdom then offer tips, I took over for Tailer who disappeared. This entry is from the May newsletter; I just finished the rough draft of the June newsletter, which I will post later so my friends on the interweb can point out embarrassing mistakes I have made. I wrote a newsletter 20 some years ago for a business and I as you may have noticed do not dot all my i's so to speak, I type and I print, I did have to have a industrial fan attached to the back of my computer to cool my spell Czech. Back to the newsletter I offered a free prize to the person who could find the most typos or poor grammar etc. Well it was the best promotion I ever ran, the winners were a married couple who for a living both worked as proof readers, they found over 100 errors on a page in a half newsletter! They even pointed out errors on the address label; I gave them their prize with out question. A bit humbling but so it goes. Soon you may have the same opportunity humble. JW
Remember to Order your Roscoe book here or your ears will fall off.

Photo taken in the forward head of the Queen Annes Revenge

This is the May issue its to late to pick it apart, June will be printed when I think it is time. JW

I cannot believe a month has passed since I last checked in with the club, let me assure you I have not been sitting on my duff. Keeping my boat in order, keeping the lab up to standards dealing with the FDA ,NSA,FBI,AARP among others let alone summerizing (opposite of winterizing) the boat is a job in itself, thank goodness for personal assistants. I have them to thank for keeping the “Queen Anne’s Revenge” running on an even keel. However , as my years of studing at Murpys Law School ,without fail something will go wrong, why just last week I lost two generators! With only one in reserve I have been hit by hard times. My boat drinks take twice as long to make because while powering my big screen entertainment center, I like to sit in my virbro-cliner watching funny programs laughing and slapping my knee. This all draws power not to mention the Mulligan stew in the crock pot or the hot dogger mini hot dog wagon shaped just like a hot dog, or the spot light to signal to all members, “party on board! The spotlight seems to work better at night but today I was in a festive mood, so I fired her up! All these combined I suspect cause my blender to run slow, real slow, it can’t even muster grind!
My personal assistant’s felt motivated because their refrigerator is not hooked up to my extra double safety generator, they were whining that they wanted real food, the salted mullet was “aggravating their hyper-tension” so they volunteered to find parts and fix the main generators, they hoped in the dingy and paddled off …Why they did walk down the dock and borrow my car? Good help is hard to find.
I was sitting in the sun the umbrella of my boat drink shading my nose from sunburn while I pondered; I have been back nearly four months and really not found any more information on Tailers whereabouts than when I first started my investigation. I sat up and said to myself, that ship of fools (my personal assistants in the dinghy) are not going to find any parts, I doubt they even find their way back! So I loaded up my Country Squire and steered my land Yacht to the nearest dollar store, or is it everything for a buck? I cant remember but I do know it’s the first time I left the club with 100 single dollar bills and returned with something to show for it besides a bunch of sparkles on myself. Well let me tell you and this is for true, I found extension cords for a dollar. Five feet of power for only a buck, I did some mental calculations and figured I needed about 75 cords to reach from the light bulb at the shelter house (I bought a screw in adapter to fit a power cord for a buck) to my boat and back again. I also bought some really cool sunglasses, plastic cutlery, cheese grater and a candle that was shaped like a Christmas tree. I had some dollars left over made a quick stop, spent those and back to the club to connect my cords and solve my generator problem. All for less than I pay my assistants in a week! Plus a few sparkles…Old habits are hard to break.
Well you cannot beat the dollar store or whatever it is called for deals I connected all 75- 5ft cords together, plugged them into the cool light bulb adapter and used some duct tape ($1.00) to fasten the cords safely to the dock. By my count, I had 375 feet of cord to power my laptop, which is now wi-fi friendly so I just go to the shelter house to connect. I trip on the cords some but it saves gas for the generators and will give me the luxury of time to fix them properly, not some crack pot jury rig, a real fix!
Well a few days have passed and no assistants or crew has shown up, me thinks they gone dingy on me. I sat on the back deck a nice spring breeze but I could not shake the feeling I should be doing something about Tailer, what should my next move should be? I need to find my relative and besides I don’t want that ghost of a pirate harassing me. I suspect he had something to do with the entire mystery. My deep concern and concentration caused me to dose off. I awoke with a start; a little boat drink umbrella sticking in your nostril will do this. I noticed I was in the shade and looked up and there stood one of the Harbor Masters, there are two and each one tells me to talk to the other when I start to tell them about Tailer, ancient peg legs, chamois centuries old etc. Harbor master I say whas up? He stares down at me and said in a steady voice, “so may I ask why you have the entire club in a spider web of extension cords”? I answer “well my assistants or crew left to find parts for my generators because I have to stick around and look for Tailer and I got these cords for a steal and well, would you like a boat drink”? “No, what I would like is for you to remove all these cords from the dock, this is a very dangerous situation you are putting everyone in and well…it just does not make good sense.” I say “So my wi-fi means nothing to you?” He replied without hesitation “no.” I asked “could you give me a week or so, to get things running on greased grooves and such”? A cold reply followed “ I am going to the shelter and unplugging your cord, you will just have to fix your generators and learn to adapt like everyone else at the club. I have never seen anything like this and please do me a favor, never talk to me again, talk to the other Harbor Master, I never thought I would say this but I wish Tailer was back, he was crazy but not completely insane.”
The sun began to set I was forced to read by my Christmas tree candle, (my emergency generator was running hot so I gave it a break) a slight breeze blew out the candle and then the familiar clumping, I hid under the table, the clumping approached stopped at my boat, I heard a slap like a wet rag on my deck and then the clumping dissipating into the distance. I waited a prudent amount of time then scurried out onto the deck with my coal miners hat on, whale oil fueling the flame (ever diligent in saving our natural resources) and spied what I expected, a rag with writing… Written in pig Latin, which I had to babblefish because this is one of the 5973 languages, I have yet to master out of the estimate of 6,000 still around I only have 5973 to learn.
It is said there are remote tribes who only have one person who remember their original spoken tongue, these elders are considered mute because they have no one to talk to, I aim to solve this problem. This one and where is Tailer? You know it’s the darndest thing but this sounds so familiar, that is what the ancient scribbling reads… (The leather dated around 850 AD and written with red wine “Merlot” I think, from the same period)

1. DO watch your speed coming down the hill to the main Club grounds. There is a lot of activity on the main driveway during these early weeks. As summer progresses, we host many youth programs and socials where our young sailors may not be paying attention to cars and boat traffic.

2. DO remember to lock the front gate after dusk.

3. DO NOT throw rocks or sand.

4. DO help others in need and DO bring your cameras to capture those interesting ramp incidences.

5. DO NOT throw trash all over the grounds. Bob Bodish WILL find you.

6. DO put your membership decals on your boat and trailer.

7. DO promise to think about racing this year.

8. DO attend more social activities. Bring a side dish for at least six people.

9. DO be nice and smile a lot and say HI to everyone. Introduce yourself to your next-door neighbor slip-mate and ask him/her to bring next week’s eats and refreshments.

10. DO sail more this year.

11. DO only empty your port-to-potty in the port-to-let waste station next to the Little Eagles sail barn.

12. DO buy something from the ship’s store to show off your Club’s emblem and support our Club.

13. DO NOT park your car or boat in someone else’s assigned spot. This often sets off a domino effect started by you.

14. DO check your fold-up chair for last summer’s spider’s nests, junk food crumbs, and last summer’s leftover aluminum can tabs

15. DO purchase a folding chair and plan to attend the spontaneous chair parties. A lot of useful information can be obtained by attending these gatherings...anything, from solving world affairs, investment strategies, or to why you may have done so poorly in the last regatta.


At 9:45 PM , Blogger Mone said...

I'm sure I would not find any typos or poor grammar in your writing Josh, could I still be your personal assistant? I'll make sure that there is always a handful of water under keel :)

At 4:01 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

mone: Brilliant, yes can be a personal assistant, I studied your resume and I must say I am impressed. Now you are in for surprises and many promotions and you will wield power beyound your wildest imagination. Pretty cools stuff really.

At 6:19 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Josh how on earth can you 'lose' a generator, let alone two of them? did they fall out your pocket? did the mullet steal them in revenge for their salted brethren?

your story doesn't quite add up Josh. I feel that there is something you are hiding from us...

At 6:52 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Jane: To lose a generator its, complicated sailor talk. I apologise for all the technical jargon. I aint hiding nuthin' so lets change the subjuct, how are you today?

At 9:39 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

look josh you are among friends. just the whole of the interweb. you are safe...i urge up...don't make me have to pray for you...

At 1:28 PM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Your boat has a similar name to the boat owned by my friend McDougal. His is the "Queen Latifah's Revenge." It is a replacement of his previous boat, the "Sloop Doggy Dogg," which, as you may remember, was lost in a hurricane off the coast of North Carolina.

At 3:53 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Jane: I am an open book I aint got jack to hide. So how about that Tony Blair?

Friends: Now thats a coincedence,huh? I remember reading about the Sloop Dog sinking right off Beaufort Inlet, that was the big guy? Small world.

At 4:07 PM , Blogger SleekPelt said...

Spontaneous chair parties are just about always good things. Especially if they're coupled with spontaneous beer parties.

At 4:37 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

sleek: Yes and there is always a place to sleep if someone slips a mickey in your beer, it also beats spontaneous combustion.

At 5:28 PM , Blogger ing said...

I bet there aren't very many Little Eagles hanging out in the Little Eagles sail barn. Not if they're alive and breathing, that is.

At 5:57 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Yep, lot of porto potty scoff laws out there and if I get my way they are all going to spend some hard time in the pen.

At 11:23 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...


At 11:42 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Jane: You are one lucky gal! Sit back and enjouy, laugh, cry, look puzzeled and just feel pure joy. Everyone on the interweb is jealous!

At 1:52 PM , Blogger Winters said...

One of your classic posts, Josh, full of informative and entertaining words and factoids. Thanks, dude.

Those scrolls written in Merlot can be squeezed into goblets and drunk, I heard.

I read the comments, and I would be interested in knowing where "Mummy Toilet's Blogged" has got to.

Where are you? Eh? Eh?

At 3:04 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: Thanks bro, Toliets is riding off road in Moab Utah, I am not sure when he is due back, but he will be back and a bigger turd hurdler than ever.(I added that part to see if he reads these comments) Cheers JW

At 5:25 PM , Blogger ing said...

Yes, throw everyone in the slammer, I agree. It's the only way.

Josh, have you ever spent any time in the slammer? I'm asking because I want to fix you up with someone!

At 5:30 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Nope never spent anytime in the gray bar, not yet...I am not comfortable with the slammer and fixing me up with someone all in the same comment.

At 4:06 PM , Blogger sombrero11 said...

If the real Captain Morgan were here, he would beat your lilly-white ass for using Sensitive Skin shaving cream.

At 5:19 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

S11: I think not, the shave cream was a prop, the dry shave is the captains preferance.

At 6:52 PM , Blogger Phats said...

I wondered why my ears were feeling loose.

Nice write up, in the June edition can you wish me a happy birthday? I am a glory hog

At 4:31 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Phats: Thanks bro. Yes everyone wish happy birthday to Phats in June or they will loose the lottery. Did you know Phats that at My Mule we have our own signs of the Zodiac? According to the chart if You were born between Jan1 and Dec 31 your sign is The Mule. Phats I did some study and your sign is The Mule, this is the best sign of all, I see in the near future you meeting a nice she Mule and she will love you even though your ears went missing, what a lovely story, I am very happy for you Phats.

At 7:40 AM , Blogger zen wizard said...

What's the blue stuff in the shower rack??


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