Thursday, May 17, 2007

A Pirates Tale First Draft

Here is the rough draft for my next tips column, I made sure it was long enough to lull you to sleep, any constructive criticism would be welcome. They wont know what hit them if I present them with a tips column that's not like a monkey typed it speaking of which buy Travels with Roscoe here.

I sat reading The Log from the Sea of Cortez by John Steinbeck and Ed Ricketts in my Hammock on the back deck, a pleasant way to spend an afternoon. Along came a warm breeze and I noticed some lint was released from my navel and blown into the water. I reached into the water to retrieve the lint because I am not a litterbug, this stuff could be recycled, enough of it and I could have a nice turtle neck sweater knitted , what a comfort it would be on those cold January evenings. As my fingers dipped into the water I noticed a dark shadow coming from the water and then the giant mouth of a catfish enveloping my arm biting down and dropping back into the water in a few seconds I lost my arm to a catfish. Being an able seaman and a man always prepared for action who does not take guff from anyone man nor beast I grabbed my dive knife (I keep them strapped onto every available appendage which I advise all readers to adopt this habit, life is full of surprises). I dove overboard in pursuit of the Leviathan that purloined my favorite arm. It took sometime but I caught up to the beast , I could see in its eyes that it was afraid when I bit into his starboard spine and cut a hole in his belly reached in and grabbed my arm, I turned quickly and swam back to the Queen Annes Revenge it took almost all of my energy to swing myself over the gunnel and drag the big cat down to the fish tank below decks. I went to my work room and used my sewing machine usually used for sails but it worked just fine and within a few frantic minutes my arm was back on, good as new! I noticed something was wrong and chuckled to my self, you big dope! So I cut the stitches and reattached my arm right side up, what was I thinking? I took a pull of some grog to help temper the adrenaline and turned my attention to the beast in the tank. The poor fish was looking a little punk so I poured some grog in the water and then used my leather mending kit to sew him back up where I had left the hole I had to cut to retrieve my arm. The big cat rolled on its side and gave me a sad look. I wiped my hands dry with a towel turning away shaking my head a little shaken by the entire incident, when I heard a loud splash from the tank and a booming voice “ avast you bilge rat, why in Black Sam's name dare ye attack me and then save me life”! I swung around and standing in the tank was a pirate, soaking wet, with blood on his poofy white shirt, he wore a peg on one leg.
I said to the pirate, "what"? The Pirate he sez "you heard me".
I said, yes I heard you but it did not make a lick of sense, a catfish bit my arm off and where is the cat? Did you eat little whiskers?
Pirate: I am the fish that you call cat and I am the living ghost of Samuel Bellamy! Not long ago I was Captain of the Whydah which struck a sandbar in foul weather around 290 years ago, all 143 hands were lost including myself, Black Sam some called me I prefer "Prince of the Pirates".
I replied thinking one of the club members was playing a practical joke on me, yes with that shirt I reckon you would prefer Prince, a fine and fancy name, I notice your pirate accent comes and goes, so who are you really?
Sam Bellamy: I told you Sam Bellamy or shall I say the ghost who had ambitions to walk among the common people again, until you came along and saved my life, now I owe you mine and cannot...nothing.
Bailer: Take off the mask and where is the catfish?
SB: I am the fish called cat I stand before you as Sam Bellamy, but I need a vessel to live in, a person, not a fish, do you have any idea how bad the food is on the bottom of a lake? So if you must know and after having watched you for several months, I know you will keep asking the same questions blah blah blah you go, arrr....
Bailer: OK so what gives?
SB: See I told ya questions,questions, questions, your one of those obsessive types aren't you?
Bailer: What?
SB: OK I give up, I'll tell you my story, you sure your not with the Inquisition? As I said I am Sam Bellamy Prince of the Pirates and I beg your pardon if you don't get all sarcastic with my nick name, its a fine name and I beg you not to make fun of me, it hurts my feelings.
Where was I? Oh I am a ghost ya know, does that scare ya? eh?
Bailer: Yes Prince of the Pirates is a ghost, I'm petrified so get on with it Peggi!
SB: There you go again, be so kind as to consider my feelings. Now As I said I died young, aged 29 years if my counting' is right, I have been a ghost ever since, invisible for 245 years when I found this place nearly...a bunch of years ago. You see I have learned from my studies of latitude and longitude or is it longitude and latitude? If you take the numbers and divided and multiplied with the proper numbers it will equal the exact location of "Pirates Penance" (a place of refuge and a place to begin again as a mortal) and after running the numbers this way and that I discovered, this lake is "Pirates Penance"! Only place like it on earth, so I came for the gathering and it is beginning, why these parts are rife with pirates, or should I say pirate ghosts seeking a new beginning.
I saw you roll your eyes, don't scoff at my words, think about this, you never hear it on the news, why? Because Indiana does not want to be known as the living dead pirate capitol of the world, why Eagle Ocean makes the Caribbean look like Kansas, Ha! Speaking of Kansas lets mention the Great Lakes and Pirates, nope none to mention, they may have rough waters and ship wreaks but pirates? I think not, not the proper longitude nor latitude. The Bermuda Triangle, balderdash! They are just trying to keep up with the pirate triangle of Eagle Ocean, poor jealous souls.
Bailer: So say this is “Pirates Penance” why are you the only pirate I see? I guess you’re the one that has been leaving all the notes with tips and I suspect you know something of the Tailer gone missing mystery.
SB: Oh its no mystery , Tailer I know where Tailer is, don’t you worry about that. After what you done to me I realize how much I liked Tailer, compared to you he was my best friend.
Bailer: OK, turn back into the catfish with me watching and maybe I will listen.
SB: OK, you watching?….Splash!
Bailer: Huh? Do it again.
SB: I’m not a circus act.
Bailer: I blinked.
SB: OK insto presto Fish! Splash!
Bailer: That’s cool, do it again.
SB: That’s enough, now do you believe me?
Bailer: Kinda but If I saved your life why are you giving me so much guff?
SB: Because I picked you out special I was going to take your body and put yours in the fish and you would be the fish and I would be you and none would be the wiser.
Bailer: I get it you take my body so you can walk the land as a mortal and I’m stuck eating stink bait off fisherman's hooks while they swill beer and talk about “old Joe”. That is selfish but you are a pirate and all. Aha! I figured out why you chose me, I must say I do feel a little flattered.
SB: You know why I chose you eh, why then?
Bailer: Because I am one of the most respected members of the club not to mention Hollywood handsome.
SB: Ha, that’s the first real laugh I have had in centuries, I chose you because I recognized you as a crackpot and no one would think anything was fishy if you acted out of character, the entire club is used to your aberrant, behavior… I could go about my business and not play a part, I could be myself and no one would suspect. But nooo you had to save my life and now I cannot take over your body but I am bound to be your servant, pirates code…uhh acid reflux…uck.
Bailer: My servant eh, well that works out well because my personal assistants went missing and I need some help around here, first task, fix my generators.
SB: If I could go missing believe me I would, I envy your crew , personal assistants, servant or not do not ever call me a “personal assistant” I’m a pirate for the love of me show some respect and by the way the generators are fixed and running.
Bailer: Fixed and running I don’t hear them?
SB: That’s because I put a muffler on them and added oil, motor oil not lard, who does your maintenance?
Bailer: I had a muffler on them, I put them on myself and the lard, whats the big diff?
SB: An empty beer can is not a muffler.
Bailer: Lay off servant! Hey my blender works, want a boat drink?
SB: Nay, I am a ghost remember?
Bailer: Whats with your accent?
SB: I’ve been roving this world for over 300 years I don’t always talk like a pirate and for that I am ashamed, so it goes. What I will tell you is there are over 500 pirate ghosts wandering around this area and of all the fool ideas I ever heard was the pirates code, I have to protect the one that saved my life. So listen close, here are three words to scare off pirate ghosts, “Git Gone Pirates”! Remember this it will save you from being taken by one of the ghosts and save me from wandering the earth forever living as a fish. Pirates curse and all.
Bailer: What a crock, jokes over “ Git Gone Pirates”!

The trees shook, boats rocked the water boiled, birds fell from the sky!

Bailer: Hmmm that was cool! So you’re my servant and you have to protect me and I know the secret words , I’m loving this, dance servant, dance!

Sam Bellamy did a little jig leg clumping and then I stuck up my hand and said “cease pirate”!

Bailer: So these are some fancy tricks and I could tell you did not like dancing and to tell you the truth I may believe you just a little, but if you are a ghost why do you clump and how can I see you?

SB Easy Holographs and other special affects, I used to travel with Houdini a few years back he taught me a thing or two, now don’t feel any pressure I do not expect to learn anything from you but humility, or should I say humiliation.
Bailer: Alright ya knave, how about conjuring up some tips for our club out here, I expect them now or in marina time when I am finished making my boat drink. Oh Sammy how about some tips?

Black Sam turned red in the face reached into his fluffy shirt and pulled out a skin with writing on it, some would say foreign. a few days later after I studied my test results the skin was from the dried skin of a Giant Sloth (long extinct) the language was easy to translate it turned out to be American and the most puzzling part was the ink was from a sharpie, not a Walmart sharpie but an art store quality sharpie. Odd I thought I have to get back to the lab, I am doing some other research and Black Sam has some important questions to answer.
Before I start drilling Black Sam for answers I share these tips to study, there will be a test for a change of pace just so I know you are keeping up with your studies, it will be multiple choice so don’t sweat it. Kind Regards Bailer
# Come out on a weekday and just laze around the lake even if it's a no-wind morning.
# Lie to your boss and if you are the boss lie to your subordinates.
# We're on your way home.
# Think about how much your boat loves you.
# Buy two boats so there is more love.
# Move your boats when you are supposed to move them.
# Don't ever take your hands off the grinder handles unless you have a crew person to take over.
# If a ghost pirate comes aknockin’ remember the three words “Git Gone Pirates”!


At 11:08 AM , Blogger Winters said...

Josh, this post reads like Moby Dick meeting Monty Python after a night of heavy drinking.

A classic. Truly fine work, bro.

At 1:03 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: Thank bro, it came so easy I guess because its all based on fact.You know I never read Moby Dick but am an expert on the other two things you mentioned. Peace JW

At 1:59 PM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

Josh does not even own a boat, let alone belong to a yacht club or write for thier news letter.
The closest thing he has is a ship in a bottle and he runs his tounge around in it like a Ant Eater.

Winters, I missed you too. Missed you like a little boy peeing in the toilet! The name is Mom! Toilets blogged! Not Mummies toilets blogged, big differance.

It's great to be back.


At 3:44 PM , Blogger SleekPelt said...

Ahhhhh. Boats. Hammocks. Books. Boat drinks. I'll take the pirate if I get the rest, wind or no wind.

At 4:23 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toilets: Your back!

Sleek: By the time I'm finished I'll have a entire gang of pirates and everyone that has been kind to me can have their own personal pirate.Are you reading this mummies? Sleek, I'll pencil you in for a real classic.

At 4:14 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

wow! i would love to be the chosen one! i don't have any catfish so i borrowed a few of the neighbour's carps. i cut holes in all of their bellies and waited for them to roll on their side and give me a sad look. Nada. Zip. No sad look and certainly no ghost pirate. I had no choice other than to feed the dead carp to the cat. so at the least the cat now has the ghost of the carp in his belly.

So i guess it all kind of worked out in the end in a weird kind of way...

At 4:30 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

JJ: In my library I actually have The Anglers guid to Coarse Fishing aka Carp, a fine vessel for a pirates spirit but not at you Lats and Ats. I have the luck of being the the right Lats and Ats at the right time. I will be working on a mail order pirate business, I will start out with the pomotion that anyone that is kind to me gets their very own pirate after the word spreads I cash in and become very rich! Jane you of course will have your own pirate to fawn over you and Winters you as well, will have a pirate lacky. This leaves toilets to say something kind...

At 12:10 PM , Blogger Winters said...

Sorry for getting your name all confused, Mom! Toilets blogged!

I'm English, and we stuggle with your funny American names. I know better now.

At 12:11 PM , Blogger Winters said...

"Stuggle" is not a well known word. But I quite like it.

At 1:19 PM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

Winters: Forgiven

Josh: Pirates are scary, but mummies are scarier!


At 4:37 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters, Toilets and the rest of you wastrels are supposed to be proof reading my very important addition to the newsletter but you bicker like market vendors! Just get along dudes we are all for the same cause, making me wealthy and if you join for a small education fee you to can be wealthy. Now I have laid the catalyst and you can all pick on me about network marketing? Am I not a gem of a blog host, yes I am the correct answer! My Best JW

At 6:05 PM , Blogger Mom! Toilets blogged! said...

Winters and I are square, he apologized, I accepted, olive branch, bread breaking, chums.

I liked your news letter, but you failed to mention "Pay your dues" That is an important message in any club.

Pirates on a 9 acre lake, facanating.

I like the word struggle too, that and bauble. Used in a sentance:
"When I was rolled over on my side, the bauble of gas moved towards an embarasing exit, the nurse was shocked."


At 12:49 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Woohooo! i get a pirate AND Winters?? Oh Josh! You are too good to me!

*waits for Winters to arrive in the post*

At 2:16 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

mummies: You said a nice thing and then you called my ocean a 9 acre lake, earn your pirate of be the only one in town with out one.

Jane: Where did it all go? We used to have something baby, something special and now this dandy from Paris comes along and I am all but forgotten. I did promise you a pirate, as for Winters I cannot afford the wine,beer and smokes to shuttle him across the channel, you will have to pick him up FOB.

At 3:14 AM , Blogger Winters said...

Jungle Jane - I'm very happy to be your gift, Jungle Jane, but I am a bit worried that if I become your slave you'll make me shag a cat or something and post pictures of it on your kinky blog.

Josh; I forgive you for calling me a dandy, sailor.

At 3:52 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Winters: Forgive me, jealousy reared its ugly head. I am ashamed, deeply ashamed.

At 4:41 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Winters okay, no cats. Would the dog be out of the question, though??


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