Thursday, March 22, 2007

From the My Mule Archives, A Spanking Monkey on my Back

A word of caution, what may seem to start out as an
innocent obscene phone call you pick up, can be a
gateway call. A call that can come close to if not
ruining your life.
Last February 15th I had just such a call. I
chuckled and shared the experience with my friends and
my mule site readers just recently.
What happened after this I am ashamed and yet feel
liberated to admit. I became a phone sex addict. It
started as a joke, you know the game dial 1-800 and
then type in seven digits whose letters will spell
something obscene. For example 1-800-hot-sexy I would
wager would direct you to a sex line that you would
then have to give a credit card to and the rest is
lost wages. Well playing this game at parties and
such was fun and stuff but I began to do it alone and
used my credit cards, within weeks they were maxed
out! Then to ole reliable, the 1-900 #s well this went
on until I lost everything but my boat.
I was so addicted that I hatched a plan where I would sail out
on big blue sink my boat and then hold up an SOS sign
to be rescued, tell my fantastic tale of being at sea for six weeks
without food and water and capitalize on the news coverage,
maybe even cut a made for TV movie deal. All this to
finance my phone sex addiction! Well the best laid
plans of mice and pervs... instead of my SOS sign I accidently
held up my “Will work for phone sex sign”…
Then came the intervention. My folks hired six X Navy Seals to work
me over every time my digits tried to dial the
dreadful 1 –900 this plan did not work because the
Seals would beat the shit out of me for hours and when
they were spent I would sneak off and dial 1-900.
Finally I realized I had reached bottom and it was
time to take things into my own hands, so to speak.
What I did was take all the #9 buttons off my phones,
problem solved! Until I remembered the 800 # trick so
I would just dial those listen to the intro teaser and
then hang up. I still was not convinced I was cured so
I removed all the # 8 digits from my phone, problem
solved. Now this may explain to a few of my friends
whose phone numbers contain the number eight or nine
where I have been. Call me! I'm all alone with only a
drawer full of mangled phone buttons (8,9) and
a horrible addiction to keep me company.
Kind Regards Josh


At 5:55 PM , Blogger ing said...

My god, I'm so sorry! Recovery is a very slow process, but I know you can do it! You have my full support.

This addiction implies an absence in your life. Try to fill it with something besides recorded phone messages. How about a game of Parcheezi, or maybe you could memorize passages from The Bible, or maybe Roscoe has an idea for you.

I wish you Godspeed through the twelve steps.

At 6:07 PM , Blogger SleekPelt said...

Wow, you sound a bit like a character in Chuck Palahniuk's Choke.

At 8:28 PM , Blogger Toby said...

I've been here before. I'll read it now, not now, but.

At 2:56 AM , Blogger Mone said...

Josh, you could have SAVED SO MUCH MONEY by calling ME up instead. I'm flexible, whatever kind of talk is in your mind. LOL.

At 4:15 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Thank you so much I am still recovering and always will be as with any addiction. I am so confident that I have phones with 8/9's glued back on to them. I tried the Roscoe cry for help thing, but he cut me off when I asked him to talk dirty to me, I felt so ashamed, we are talking again but I know I make him nervous.To fill the void, I found a new addiction, not Parcheezi but I am working on a book, "The Definitive Actuary Joke Book" its going to be filled with jokes about actuarys, its going to be hilarious,its hard work, but I find it fulfilling, I have always had a fears of actuarys, so this is an exercise in will on so many levels. Thanks again for your support...

sleekpelt: In my past, perhaps today I am a changed man, would you care to purchase the Definitive Bible on Actuary Jokes its gonna be soooo funny!

Toby: I feel your pain!

Mone:I'm afraid the long distance bill would have lead to the same problem, dang though I could have drawn out my addiction for a wee bitr longer, I did so love my addiction. Thank you your to kind.

At 7:37 AM , Blogger Zen Wizard said...

I can see how someone would become addicted to phone sex: all the requisite elements of an addiction are present:

Danger (of getting caught, bill intercepted, etc.)
Self-(or other) punishment/chastisement

At 1:16 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: Boy, you said it brother!

At 7:10 AM , Blogger Alexander said...

It's much better to be addicted to a book instead. Read "An Ordinary Black Cat" for just $7 You can read it milions of times and you probably would... but it will still cost you only $7 and you would be not ashamed, but very proud of yourself. When you have any addiction, especially an expensive one the best thing to do is to swap it for a trouble free, costs free and more honourable addiction. So, go to and you can read the 1st chapter free! If you feel you need more, $7 will buy you the whole of my second e-book and you will be very happy indeed for a very long time, unless you try the spell from that book!!


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