Tuesday, October 03, 2006

20 Questions with Roscoe/Vintage Interview



Several years ago I interviewed Roscoe for a motocycle website that is now defunct. Not long after this interview come to think of it....Some time around 2000? I dunno Roscoe might?

20 Questions with Roscoe (Circa sometime ago)

Who is Roscoe? It seems all these titles apply....
renaissance man, inventor, adventurer and of course
crack pot. Roscoe has described himself as a enigma
stuffed in a condom and blown up with a riddle. I
could not have said it better myself. I have set out
to find more about this man by setting up an
interview, I will use the 20 questions format made
popular in the magazine made famous by its articles,
Playboy.

Roscoe: Hey Mister, you're from?... Leelee , show them
your... Wait! He said Playboy magazine right? If I
find out that you're another checkout boy from Coupon
Guide magazine looking for a cheap thrill, I'll get my
shotgun and run you off like hippies. When are you
going to turtle wax my camper?

1. Where do have the money and time to travel all over
the country living out every mans dream?

Roscoe: I know traveling in this great country,
especially with a good woman and a chimpanzee, is the
American dream. All I can say is that a I got lucky. I
worked hard and I was able to retire early. I cashed
out the business, threw the bikes on the bumper and
hit the road.

2. I understand you are tight with the Buddists, what
are there adult entertainment establishments like?

Roscoe: Are you thirsty? How about a refreshing
libation. LeeLee!... Would you fix this man an iced
tea refreshment. Say, would you like something a
little stronger? Possibly a tequila and Tang? I think
I'll take one.

3. Are you a crackpot?

Roscoe: Well, some have called me a crackpot. It's
because I took up the study of cryptozoology earlier
than most people do. It's OK. Bigfoot and UFOs have
their place in the scientific community. Some people
are not ready to except it. Others can’t accept the
fact that making dog houses from junk motorcycles and
washing machines is an art form. If that is so, this
crackpot is laughing his way across the country in a
new, used motorhome.

4. Do you ever wash your KTM jacket.

Roscoe: Yes, smart guy , I might live in a camper but
I'm not a heathen. Are you some kind of hippie?

5.Once while talking with John Penton he was offended
by my use of profanity so I was unable to set up a 20
Questions interview with him, so I will have to ask
you a question that I wanted to ask him. What does the
21st. century hold in store for the KTM line.

Roscoe: You got a little lippy with the master, huh?
You didn't ask him about using cow dung to paint the
floors of primitive huts in Africa did you? I heard a
story that he kicked a man in the kidneys for less. I
don't know why... The future for KTM? That is up to
the engineers. They are on a good track although, a
gun rack would be nice.

6. Rumor is you have a brother who has a massive
collection of broken motorcycles. Is this true and if
so why?

Roscoe: Ohh…That’s sweet nectar. I’m ready for another
Tangquilla? Boy, these are good.

7. From where do you hail?

Roscoe: There was this little guy in the WWE named
Spike Dudley. He stood 5 ft. 6 in., weighed 150 lbs.
but could sure take a beating. His buddy, the Big
Show, is about 7 ft. 2 in., weighs 500 lbs., comes out
to mop up the ring and save the day. They call Spike "
Little Show " but compared to Big Show, he really
looked more like a commercial.

22. Why are all your bumper hitches chrome less? (SP?)


Roscoe: We better take this camper to that big carwash
at the truck stop before you fire up the buffer.

8. Why is your middle finger painted gold?

Roscoe: That’s for flippin’ the Upitys.

9. Do you like designer leather clad, Lawyer Harley
owners? Why not?

Roscoe: Ride’m if you got them. Trailer if your butt
doesn’t have calluses.

12. Is Leelee preggers?

Roscoe: Where are my keys?

13.How did you meet Leelee and from where does she
hail, in other words what is her background? ie does
she or has she ever had a job/profession? Family?

Roscoe: I bought her a bunch of tequila sooters and
popped the question…”Gosh you're cute. Wanna buy a
monkey?, I said. It swept her off of her feet.

17. You used to be seen with a gentleman that had the
nic name of "Crazy Ace" what was your relationship,
and is he dead or in prison?

Roscoe: You know Ace? I saw him break the big toe
clear off a bartender for not turning the TV to the
Muppet Show. He threw it into his martini and drank
it. He’s a psycho…Not that there is anything wrong
with that.

18. Why did you by the majority of shares of stock in
one of the largest producers of Vienna sausages in the
United States and insist they change their name to
"Dollywood sausages"?

Roscoe: At an old job, I worked with a fellow that
would eat Vienna sausages and crackers for lunch
everyday. We asked him why... He replied "these
'vieenie weenies' are good. " well, I decided to get
in on the action. I scraped up some cash, leveraged,
called in some favors, and enlisted the help of
celebrities. Sometimes deals are made and you kick in
a favor to keep everyone happy. Sometimes the world is
full of sponsors and endorsements, look around.

19. What is your secret recipe for beanie weenies?

Roscoe: First, open a can of baked beans and take out
that squishy white cube. dump them in a pan and put
them on the back of the stove to warm up some. Now,
here is the secret ingredient... Don't use weenies.
Skillet fry at least a pound of bacon (I like it a
little crispy). Crunch up the bacon into the beans ,
add an egg , brown sugar, salt and stir like crazy.
When it is all hot, add lard to taste. If you don't
have bacon, use Dollywood sausages. Remember,
Dollywood sausages uses all of the pig.

21.Whats with the spats?

Roscoe: I thought I would dress up for a Trail Rider
Magazine victory banquet. As soon as I rivet them to
my boots, I'll be ready to party. But for now, I'll
just wear them while I watch N A S C A R races.

23. Do we have to conduct this entire interview with a
sawed off 12 gauge resting on your lap?

Roscoe: Like it? You never know when you will run into
road bandits. Didn't you say you were going to wax the
camper?

24. Do you think its wise to keep and open gas can in
your motor home?

Roscoe: Gosh you're cute. Wanna buy a monkey?
Whew!…That Cabin Boy is a funny movie. It’s got that
Andy Richter guy from Conan O’Brian… He’s a hoot.

25. Wouldn't you feel more comfortable being
interviewed with clothes on?

Roscoe: OK, OK, I'll get my coveralls.

26. Why do you keep ducking?

Roscoe: I live in a camper with a chimpanzee.
Chimpanzees do what chimpanzees do. If you were smart
you'd be ducking too. do the math, hippie.

27. That is Leelee's Mark Spitz poster isnt it?

Roscoe: Why don't we talk about my shotgun some more.

29. You have your detractors and they make claim that
not all your stories are factual, what do you have to
say to these charges?

Roscoe: Hippie, are you calling me a liar?

30. My research indicates that most great writers
usually write in the morning when they are fresh and
have a particular goal, say 2000 words of even as
little as a paragraph. What are your writing habits,
what inspires you?

Roscoe: I will write most any time of the day. I keep
a spiral notebook handy in case a good idea comes to
me. One could be good enough to write down. It's not
just the Journal of the things that we do or places we
go, I also write down ideas that might make money.
That's how I came across some of my past ventures.
Lots of people have good ideas but they just throw
them out. Look at here... Here's a page of food
cuisine. Pretzel shaped jerky sticks... I do some of
my best thinking on the commode.

36. What is you favorite word? no profanity please.

Roscoe: “Lederhosen”…Funny sounding, funny lookin’.

39. Are you afraid PETA might object to Tater testing
your Jet Pack?

Roscoe: He signed a waver.

28. Why do you perspire when panting is a viable
option?

Roscoe: Hey… I’m wearing coveralls for crying out
loud.

31. I understand there has been some interest in
Hollywood on turning your life into a big screen epic.
Is this true and would you consider this selling out?

Roscoe: Depends on the percentage, market options, and
merchandizing. Just think, Roscoe action figures and
groupies.

41. What kind of music do you listen to?

Roscoe: Leelee and I like that John Lee Hooker
tune…You know it goes…Mmm Hummm Umm , oh yeah…”I want
to hug you, kiss you and squeeze you ‘till my arms
fall off…” That’s our song for our intimate moments.

40. You have quite the reputation of being a ladies
man, what do you feels draws women to you?

Roscoe: Lederhosen.

46. What level of education have you thus far
obtained?(Honorary doctorates dont count).

Roscoe: Sour cream and onion flavored envelopes...Now
that idea is a moneymaker.

50. Why are you banned from Cracker Barrel?

Roscoe: When you promise a chimpanzee banana sunshine
pancakes, you better deliver on the banana.

Hey, that’s more than twenty. Tater, get this fellow
the mop. Where are my double-ort shells? Tater NOT
THERE! You better mop the inside too, hippie.

32 Comments:

At 5:01 PM , Blogger Bunyan, Paul Bunyan said...

Dang...Roscoe is sooooo cool! JW I think I will offer my services as a handy man to Roscoe. You pay Roscoe he pays me and I make more than you never paid me ....hippie!

 
At 6:13 PM , Blogger That's Mr. McDougal, to you, punk said...

Roscoe,you got that goddamn money you owe me?

 
At 6:13 PM , Blogger That's Mr. McDougal, to you, punk said...

THirty dollars.

U.S.

Let's make it happen.

Seriously.

Let's be men about this whole thing.

 
At 6:14 PM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Seriously, man.

I'd just give him the money. Let's not make this a thing.

 
At 6:14 PM , Blogger Slagothor1 said...

Just give him the money, Roscoe.

 
At 6:17 PM , Blogger Glenn Hopper said...

I'm not gonna take sides on this.

I'll just say: If the money is owed, let's not make a big issue of this.

You know what I mean?

Come on. It's only $30. Please, let's not make it a national crisis.

 
At 6:27 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

I'll talk to Roscoe and you know what he will say? Of course I will pay you your 30 dollars your 20 dollars are in route just let me know when you receive your 10 dollars and I will send you a 3 dollar receipt for tax write offs. Thats what he will say ...unless we can wake him from his creative sleep...

 
At 1:07 PM , Blogger Roscoe said...

Hello mcdougal, So we meet again... I need not remind you that the money bought you a "Get out of a Colombian prison" card, do I? Luring me with the old "He owes me $30" trick reads like a bad episode of Barnaby Jones. I don't work for you or the company anymore.

 
At 2:39 AM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Roscoe.

McDougal has cleared his ledger, and has asked me to come over here and apologize for opening old wounds.

The details are extensive, but it seems there was a problem with a belarussian accountant and encrypted base three numbering system that were realized and explained on another blog.

Now ... on to more important matters ...

RE: The Colombian prison. McDougal has not forgotten your act of kindness in Colombia and is eternally grateful for your help there.

However, there is still the little matter of Belgrade.

McDougal contends that you knew who the "limey" was yet did it anyway. People got hurt. But you went forward with your fool's errand anyway.

"Look at me. I'm Roscoe. I have to run to the store and get milk and butter because I'm a fool."

Then 61 people died.

Great errand, Roscoe.

Great.

I hope you enjoyed that grilled cheese and Ovaltine.

You selfish bastard.

 
At 4:52 AM , Blogger Glenn Hopper said...

It smells like burning rubber and grilled cheese in here.

What the hell's going on?

 
At 9:19 AM , Blogger Toby said...

It smells like chicken and waffles.

 
At 9:50 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Gleen: That would be Roscoe he challenged McDougal and God knows what is going to happen next, he has been known to fight dirty.

Toby: That would be Roscoe, he always carrys a food odor, just do me a favor and don't get him started talking about chicken fried steak.

 
At 10:14 AM , Blogger Me said...

Whew. That was alot of shit to read dude. Roscoe carries a big knife I bet.

 
At 11:14 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Is that some Lebanese hottie smoking some blonde?

 
At 3:55 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

bos: I think be carries a knife but just to intoduce a little tension into a conversation. You start using big words he suddenly feels the need to clean his fingernails with a nine inch blade.

toby: Sweet eh?

 
At 4:08 PM , Blogger ing said...

Tequila and Tang? My upper intestines ache. . .

 
At 4:23 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: Years ago Roscoe was tinkering in the shop and reproduced an upper intestine out of old pipes from his wood stove, he was able to graft it into himself and now he can eat all sorts of things and suffer no side effects, however his gas smells of charred wood and Chicken Fried Steak.

 
At 6:06 PM , Blogger ing said...

I bet he gets a lot of foot traffic that way --

 
At 7:27 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: The man works many angles and you found one of many.

 
At 4:24 AM , Blogger Roscoe said...

Suddenly, a cordial reunion turns into a beat down. There is no need to bitch slap anyone for past transgressions. We both can assume responsibility for the Belgrade debacle. The ancient Celtic / Yugoslavian dialect spoken by your "Tour Guides" unfortunately translated "We have salsa!" to "Kill the bastards with the sandwiches!" . . . Who knew?

Face it MacDougal, in the old days it was a warped mentor / protégé relationship. To you, interrogation was using kittens to club puppies until the informant cried. It was time to Sudoku in base 3.

Sometimes the father figure steps out for smokes. That "errand" was a tough love exercise. . . You know, snatch the pebble. You've learned well. You've gone far. I'm proud.

 
At 6:27 AM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

Hey Roscoe, you got that $30 you owe me?

 
At 1:31 PM , Blogger Roscoe said...

Mom, don't play leapfrog with elephants. . .

 
At 1:43 PM , Blogger Crashtest Comic said...

Freaking funny, dude.

 
At 12:29 AM , Blogger jungle jane said...

Brown sugar on eggs? You yanks are fucking strange....

 
At 2:28 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Jane! Dang, are you here to save me! Did you here my cries for help! Between Roscoe, Friends...,Mom and Bunyan the place smell like an old novality shoe urinal. Mind grabbing a mop and help cleaning up? Great to hear from ya, thanks for rescuing me from these...these...Philistines!

 
At 9:42 AM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

Hey that Bunyunschmuck owes me 30 large! So does Roscoe and Wyatt, they need the drugs but wont pay for them, I see some knee breaking coming up here soon.
Mom

 
At 10:42 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Mom:I wish they would quit using the plunger on you I like it best when your blogged and cant post!

 
At 2:46 PM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Easy, Roscoe. You forget that McDougal is 890* years old. He's faced this issue numerous times in his time here.

He has suggested you go back and re-watch Highlander for perspective ... then ask yourself ... who taught whom?

~~~~~~
* According to his most recent documentation. Some records (including the Bible and the Kama Sutra, put him at over 3,900 years old).

 
At 5:53 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

I love this post, I think it is funny and stuff but I may have to post again, it will not match this post but time like bowells move, so I must. However I find I have Roscoe and McDougal in the middle of a throw down, so if I post again I will let you angry men know so you are not posting in the wilderness and then catch on, fight on in the next post... Its good for ratings and such, not that I care, after all you all know I am as innocent as new snow...JWW

 
At 6:08 PM , Blogger Me said...

i want that bong

 
At 8:56 PM , Blogger ing said...

Now this is what pebble-snatching is all about! But how 'bout a book review? I need a good recommendation.

 
At 4:41 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

bos: Look behind the bong?

ing: Yea I need to knowck ou t review I know, amybe I'll get to work...soon.You ever notice how hard it is get things done when your just bone lazy...

 

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