Saturday, September 23, 2006

Erin O'Brien Be Gentle With My Blog


This Weeks Guest post is from a mega excellent writer Paris Review regular and Zucchini expert...Ladies and gentleman I give you Erin O’Brien! (Applause) Guest blogger Erin O'Brien.



Too Many Effing Zucchinis

Oh for chrissake take all the zucchinis you got and scrub em down like a mo fo. Cut off the ends and slice em longways then into like one inch chunks. No one's ever gonna see how you chopped these mothers so don't go effing around with this part like a goddamn sculptor or anything. And don't you dare skin those babies or do anything cute.

Peel some regular American yellow onions, about one pound to every three pounds of zucchini. Don't go and use any nancy-ass Vidalia or Spanish or white onion shit. Just use the regular cheap. Just quarter them or chop em. I don't care.

Peel a small potato or two and quarter it. Don't ask, just do it. Eff off.

Put all that shit in a heavy-ass pot with some chicken stock, which you oughtta make yourself (I'm too goddamn tired to tell you how to do that so go on and figure it yourself or go on google or some shit). If you're a candyass go on and use some shit you bought. Or if you're really effed up, use some of that granulated shit you reconstituted (I am an effing royal piece of perfect ass and never did any shit like that). You're looking at about 1 1/2 cups stock for every three pounds of zukes.

Slosh a couple/few tablespoons of olive oil in there.

Cover the whole goddamn thing and cook the living shit out of it on medium low heat. Go get a beer or something. After about twenty minutes (long enough to slide in a quickie with your sig oth), stir the pot for chrissake. Put the cover back on and keep cooking the whole mess into submission like a middle-aged businessman on his lunch hour at Mistress Delia's Dungeon of Delight. Stir it every once in a while.

When everything in there is good and soft and cooked (about 30 or 35 minutes total), get you a submersible blender like the one I'm holding in the picture. Don't have one? Buy one mother effer! These things are righteous. Plug that mother in, put it in the pot and puree that shit up until its smooth as velvet. If you don't have a righteous submersible blender, then you're on your own with a regular blender or food processor, doing the shit in batches, which sucks major dick, but whatever.

Blend in about a cup of milk. More if you like your soup thin, less if you like it thick. Make the mother effer skinny by using skim milk or make it rich by using half-n-half and a dollop of butter. Now make with the salt and pepper until it's down. You'll be putting more salt in there than your doctor ever needs to know about but who cares? And this is so effing shitty don't tell anyone but if you put a shake of MSG in there, I will so understand.

Don't try to freeze this soup cause it sucks.

I came up with this recipe all by myself and eff anyone who doesn't believe me. This is the best goddamn zucchini soup you're ever going to come across your whole life. It's good hot. It's good cold. All you need is a few chunks of bread to dunk in there and maybe a wedge of cheese and a hip-ass bottle of chilled chardonnay. Add some kick-ass mother effer to throw it all back with and you are all that.

Goddamn. You mothers owe me big time. That's all.

Love,

Erin


31 Comments:

At 2:31 PM , Blogger MOM! Toilets Blogged! said...

Sounds nummy! Do you think I could use banannas instead of zukini? They have the same shape kind of, and maybe an apple instead of an onion? They make my eye water. I'm alergic to butter and salt also. I'll let you all know how it turns out.
Josh

 
At 3:01 PM , Blogger Bostick said...

Hell yeah Erin! I am for sure making that..

 
At 12:27 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Mom: Good luck with that. Or maybe use chicken livers and angostura bitters and kumquats. I dunno. Lemme know how it all turns out.

Bostick: You will love it, especially the 'quickie' part.

 
At 2:28 AM , Blogger ~d said...

If my damn-ass cookbooks READ the way Erin gives directions I might be inclined to COOK a bit more!
Nice going, Erin! Nice going JW!

 
At 4:42 AM , Blogger Bunyan, Paul Bunyan said...

Back in the day out west there were Zukini forests as far as the eye could see, buffalo would grow obese and die from the all Zuchini diet. I cut down all the old growth Zukini tress and look what its done for the Buffalo? Paul Bunyan cares, some says he cares to much for his own good, you know what thats alright with Paul Bunyan!

 
At 5:40 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

~d: and I even omitted certain (ahem) ingredients!

Paul: Now I want a zukini-fed buffalo burger. Can you help?

 
At 6:34 AM , Blogger sxKitten said...

Fuckin-A, Erin.

I think you could probably freeze it before you add the milk, though.

I had a friend who made the world's best apple pie using zucchinis - the secret was loads of cinnamon and brown sugar.

 
At 7:09 AM , Blogger sleepydog said...

I will do as you wish Mistress O'Brien.
You are kind of scary when yer in bossy mode, but me? I got nothin but love for ya.

 
At 8:22 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

sxK: You are right about the freezing thing. Never thought of that. Make this for whoDEANee one day and let me know what shakes.

sleepy: uh, yeah baby. did you bring the beer?

 
At 9:09 AM , Blogger BV said...

Looks good, sounds good.

I'm gonna have to steal some z'chini's out of my mother's garden.

 
At 9:11 AM , Blogger Bunyan, Paul Bunyan said...

True to form I done went and decimated all the old growth zuchini forests, I kinda feel like a shit heel. Its in my nature I have tried to change, but I just so love to cut down trees.

 
At 10:24 AM , Blogger Jesus Toast said...

I heard you were here handling produce so I thought I'd watch...

 
At 12:14 PM , Blogger Bobby Farouk said...

That is the sexiest hat I've ever seen. I'm moving to Cleveland.

 
At 12:19 PM , Blogger Dean said...

O'Brien, you were going to tell us about the OTHER thing you use zuchinni for.

Oh, wait, maybe that was cucumbers...

 
At 12:39 PM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

BV: Steal a few for me. We'll send her some soup and she'll forgive us.

Bunyan your name rhymes with onion.

Jesus: I will host a private demonstration for you later.

Farouk: That was a good line (feel free to interpret use of italics as special attention).

Dean: Salad size cucumbers, thank you.

 
At 4:02 PM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Finally, someone who writes a recipe the way I actually cook. Drunk and cursing.

I don't agree with this part though:
"After about twenty minutes (long enough to slide in a quickie with your sig oth)"
Twenty minutes is barely enough time to even get her tied up, much less have sex. To fit a quickie in we have to be roasting a turkey. For full on sex... What takes a week to cook?

 
At 5:05 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

I just stopped in as a guest and I am a weak cook(McDougal no funny ideas here that was slow pitch) but dang Erin if your recipe has not been a recipe for attention for JWW as I refer and prefer others to refer to me. Ole JWW, say it again...Ole JWW...I'll shut up, your the host I'll go back to the back of my blog, plop down in my favorite bean bag chair and yell obscenities unheard. For no reason other than I am drinking home made sangria and am covered with the stuff...After you are done I will auction my shirt off to AA for an intervention party. Thanks again JW…W

 
At 6:02 PM , Blogger mushroom said...

"like a middle-aged businessman on his lunch hour at Mistress Delia's Dungeon of Delight"

I gotta get into this businessman shit, or learn to cook.......

 
At 12:15 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Friends: Hey, baby ... erm ... hi. Wanna .... ummm .... contact me off list?

Williams, go take a nap. And since it's my party I should be in control of the remote. Pass me the Cheez Whiz.

Mush: Be a good little boy and bring mama your leash.

 
At 3:49 AM , Blogger Dongley Shlongford said...

You can EAT zuchini?
Well HELL!
Word to the wise, If you ever find yourself at one of the Dong's luau's pass on the zuchini in favor of some yam-yam.

 
At 6:55 AM , Blogger ~d said...

Erin, I am thinking Friends wants something in a slow-cooker...

I can't say I disagree!

 
At 7:38 AM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Dong: I would exercise extreme care when eating anything that was served at one of your luau's.

~d: I'm pulling out my Rival and a can of cream of mushroom soup. Look out, baby!

 
At 8:47 AM , Blogger Henri Banks said...

Hi erin Nice to meet you :-)

 
At 8:52 AM , Blogger Roxi said...

man do I fucking owe you..

your awsome

 
At 9:31 AM , Blogger Libby Spencer said...

Oh excuse me, I seem to have wandering into the wrong post. I thought this was the sign up sheet for a date with Josh and his fish.

 
At 9:56 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Sounds good, but what I want to know is why the soup can is absent from the pic?

 
At 11:44 AM , Blogger Friends of McDougal said...

Off list? It kinkier if we do it here in public where everyone can read us...

 
At 11:28 PM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

Henri: And I have so much more to show you.. So much, much more.

Roxi: You don't owe me baby. What's mine is yours. But could you take Williams off my hands for an hour or two? Even 15 minutes? Okay, 10 minutes? Give him some pudding or something.

Libby: Roxi's got him. You're next.

Toby: Williams took the soup can into the bathroom with him. He was in there for over a half hour and I sure as hell am not going in there to find it.

Friends: But baby, you know how embarrassed I get with that pogo stick thing.

 
At 8:24 AM , Blogger Toby said...

You know what's gross? A month or two ago I went to the bathroom here at work and some guy who was in the stall set his lunch down in the sink. It was one of those frozen diet meals, like a lean cuisine or something like that. I don't know the brand name because it was opened and cooked. I left my pee and waitied for the sicko to finish whatever he was doing (probably knocking one off) so i could wash my hands and he grabbed the plate from the sink, apologized and left. Ewwwwww.

 
At 1:06 PM , Blogger Erin O'Brien said...

toby: Yikes!

 
At 4:50 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby:I'm with Erin... Yikes, what about all that...nevermind, sounds like the guy was not much of a thinker.

 

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