Erin O'Brien Be Gentle With My Blog

This Weeks Guest post is from a mega excellent writer Paris Review regular and Zucchini expert...Ladies and gentleman I give you Erin O’Brien! (Applause) Guest blogger Erin O'Brien.



Too Many Effing Zucchinis

Oh for chrissake take all the zucchinis you got and scrub em down like a mo fo. Cut off the ends and slice em longways then into like one inch chunks. No one's ever gonna see how you chopped these mothers so don't go effing around with this part like a goddamn sculptor or anything. And don't you dare skin those babies or do anything cute.

Peel some regular American yellow onions, about one pound to every three pounds of zucchini. Don't go and use any nancy-ass Vidalia or Spanish or white onion shit. Just use the regular cheap. Just quarter them or chop em. I don't care.

Peel a small potato or two and quarter it. Don't ask, just do it. Eff off.

Put all that shit in a heavy-ass pot with some chicken stock, which you oughtta make yourself (I'm too goddamn tired to tell you how to do that so go on and figure it yourself or go on google or some shit). If you're a candyass go on and use some shit you bought. Or if you're really effed up, use some of that granulated shit you reconstituted (I am an effing royal piece of perfect ass and never did any shit like that). You're looking at about 1 1/2 cups stock for every three pounds of zukes.

Slosh a couple/few tablespoons of olive oil in there.

Cover the whole goddamn thing and cook the living shit out of it on medium low heat. Go get a beer or something. After about twenty minutes (long enough to slide in a quickie with your sig oth), stir the pot for chrissake. Put the cover back on and keep cooking the whole mess into submission like a middle-aged businessman on his lunch hour at Mistress Delia's Dungeon of Delight. Stir it every once in a while.

When everything in there is good and soft and cooked (about 30 or 35 minutes total), get you a submersible blender like the one I'm holding in the picture. Don't have one? Buy one mother effer! These things are righteous. Plug that mother in, put it in the pot and puree that shit up until its smooth as velvet. If you don't have a righteous submersible blender, then you're on your own with a regular blender or food processor, doing the shit in batches, which sucks major dick, but whatever.

Blend in about a cup of milk. More if you like your soup thin, less if you like it thick. Make the mother effer skinny by using skim milk or make it rich by using half-n-half and a dollop of butter. Now make with the salt and pepper until it's down. You'll be putting more salt in there than your doctor ever needs to know about but who cares? And this is so effing shitty don't tell anyone but if you put a shake of MSG in there, I will so understand.

Don't try to freeze this soup cause it sucks.

I came up with this recipe all by myself and eff anyone who doesn't believe me. This is the best goddamn zucchini soup you're ever going to come across your whole life. It's good hot. It's good cold. All you need is a few chunks of bread to dunk in there and maybe a wedge of cheese and a hip-ass bottle of chilled chardonnay. Add some kick-ass mother effer to throw it all back with and you are all that.

Goddamn. You mothers owe me big time. That's all.

Love,

Erin