Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Sailing Tips in no Rational Order

The only known photograph of long dead pirate Sam Bellamy. The captors went missing shortly after this photo. Skeptic's beware, this is all based on truth, facts and more! This is a prologue to the previous post on My Mule relating to the Sailing club, if it does not make sense this is fine, but let me warn you...Some things are based on fact!

Sam Bellamy and I were on the back deck of the Queen Anne’s Revenge, he sat invisible to everyone but me, we were playing a cut throat game of Crazy Eight’s with a few of our neighbors at the club. Living on the docks I guess we are all neighbors so I guess I will narrow it down, they are the ones that will tolerate me talking to a man who cannot be seen, (they think its just “the demon rum” flap jacking my brain). Poor Black Sam was not much familiar with the game, “basically it’s the second cousin to Chess” I told him. Sam cursed us all after loosing a hand; he jumped overboard in a fit, assuming his visible soul vessel, the mighty catfish. A former Commodore and longtime fisherman (names are best left out of my accounts of the cold hard facts, because I have been told in a cold hard fashion that they did not hold water) “dang that was the biggest catfish I have ever did seen” it had to weight fifteen stone! Twenty-two I casually corrected him and then realized my social faux pas, I ended my statement with "or even bigger."
Our former Commodore a well-respected member of the club dropped his cards on the deck and ran to his boat in order to get his fishing rigs set up, he yelled over his shoulder as he ran , “were going to need a bigger boat.” I calmed the others with my special grog recipe and they all departed smiling and singing sea shanties terribly off key. I watched the a well kept boat motoring towards the damn, the fisherman/reformed commodore had his fighting chair (bean bag) tied in the cockpit while he motor/sailed towards the damn singing something about Fair Spanish Ladies….
I said to my only guest and servant, who was sitting next to me soaking wet and smelling of catfish. So Sam, where is Tailer? I had been waiting for the right moment and I judged him to be off guard enough to let it slip. Well he didn’t have to, I looked up when I heard a familiar voice, “I’m right here dufus”. Tailer? Yes? Where you been? Here and there, I heard you were spreading rumors about me being off’ed by the Mob or on the run for so much nonsense. Oh, Hi Sam good to see ya! Sam replied eey a sight for sore eyes, your cousin here has about driven me mind off the end of the earth! Tailer replied, Bailer, my relative? Second cousin twelve generations removed is abit of a stretch for claiming someone your blood unless he won the lottery; you win the lottery Bailer? No…So as I was saying he is as related to me as I am to everyone else on this big blue marble! However Bailer if you stop pouting I will admit you are like a long lost brother, one who I thought I had dropped off far enough from home that you would not be able err nevermind…Ah stop your pouting, were all brothers here you, me and Sam. Do me a favor bra, give us some tips, on your own this time, eh? I stuttered, wondered and thought, OK you wanna play that way than lets play that way, I’ve got some tips all on my own, knowing I could solo the globe like Joshua Slocum I reckon I can write my own tips, watch and weep.

#1. Trust no one unless you like what they are saying.
#2. Never give your credit card number to someone who calls, unless they insist, give them your mother’s maiden name for starters.
#3. Eat more catfish, gigantic ones, around 22 stone if available.
#4. Wear a hat, so you don’t get sunburned…This tip holds some water.
#5. Always talk, never listen.
#6. Laugh while your laugher is still working. This one holds water as well.
7#. It took deep concentration to come up with these tips. I chewed four #2 pencils to the nub and half a red ink pen. I am not sure chewing a pencil aids in the thought process but I do know chewing red ink pens can really make you feel alive, so for a change of pace I am looking for a tip. Does anyone know how to remove red ink from skin, say ones lips, cheek and chin? Also how would one if it were necessary remove red ink from clothing and fiberglass and teak?
8# Stop by my boat and chat, free grog, plus I volunteer Sam to clean your hull for free, he doesn’t mind at all…Bailer and company


At 3:44 PM , Blogger ing said...

Here's something for you to read. . .

At 3:48 PM , Blogger ing said...

Alas, I don't have a boat with a hull to clean. . . does that mean I get extra grog, a plate of catfish, and a yarn to listen to?

At 3:58 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

ing: I ordered a used book just last night of the same title! Yes extra grog and sure I'm full of yarn much like a playful kitty.

At 10:16 AM , Blogger matty said...

Commander Josh, this is a great listing!

I do not have a boat.

I'm thinking of an old Tom Waits tune.

Anyway, that is a very big fish.


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