Roscoe the Early Days

Roscoe was born a few years ago, he is older now and wiser some would say. His story was cleverly divulged when we first tricked him to post on a message board from a long time ago.

What may appear as nonsense to the casual reader is the first actual research done on one of the most important writers of the 21st century.
dog house - A Roscoe History Part One



Long ago, on a distant bulletin board

Most read story in TeamMooch!:
Comments are owned by the poster. We aren’t responsible for their content.

Posted by: wyatt on Apr 16, 2001 - 08:13 PM
[TeamMooch!] I have an old refrigerator I hope to convert into a dog house. Does anyone have some old motorcycle parts I can use for the conversion?

by roscoe on Apr 17, 2001 - 04:48 PM
You don’t really want to convert an old refrigerator into a dog house . First, if that dog bites into the feon coil he’s gonna get a real bad headache. If your dog gets a real bad headache, it’s gonna be grumpy. B, a refrigerator can be top-heavy. One good gust of wind can squish Old Faithful flat (flat dog = crying kids). Third, purchase a washing machine converted into a dog house. You will enjoy a lower center of gravity and without freon , it is environmentally friendly. I have an old Maytag modified with some Hodaka Super Rat components that works just fine. It’s a classic. And my Rott, 3-Foot just loves it. He is a lot smarter than old 2-Foot.

by Anonymous on Apr 17, 2001 - 07:21 PM
1. How much for the Maytag and do you offer financing? My old dog four foot has one foot in the grave after he ate the freon coil, you were a little late on the advice but thanks anyway.

by roscoe on Apr 19, 2001 - 04:00 PM
That Super Rat Maytag is not for sale. It is just a demonstrator. Now, I do have an avocado KawaMana I could put four foot into in just 41 or 42 easy payments . Sorry to hear the old pup is under the weather. He may come around in a few days. Maybe he can use a little Pepto & 7up, that always makes a rumblegut feel better.

by Anonymous on Apr 19, 2001 - 07:19 PM
My neighbor has a nice motorhome that I might trade you for the house. Do you barter?

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on Apr 25, 2001 - 04:57 PM
I’d like to make mention of the fact that I bought one of Roscoes Washing MAchine dog houses and my dog aint one damn bit cleaner than when I first put him in the contraption. The Rinse cycle is broken and spin dry just made my dog throw up. So what gives? I want my neighbors motor home I traded you for it back!

by roscoe on Apr 26, 2001 - 03:41 PM
I’m sorry, there will be no refund on the motorhome. I traded it to my neighbor Freak Show Roy for a chimpanzee named Diablo. Freak Show was going on the road and needed a tour bus. He said that monkey was a prime ape so I figured he was pretty smart and I could teach him to strip out washing machines. Since I don’t speak Spanish I named him Tater (Tater Chimp, get it?). Well, things just got worse after that. It took an hour-and-a-half to wrestle Tater into his coveralls . He wouldn’t keep his tools organized and all he wanted to do was pick bugs off the dogs.

The other day at lunch, Tater went nuts . He jumped up on the table, stripped himself naked, and started playing with his fish stick and hush puppies. He screamed and threw food everywhere. Old Two Foot sat there howling and confused. He’s got a cataract in one eye , a sty on the other and his good ear was full of coleslaw . I thought that I would never get things to calm down.

So , if you have problems with your new dog palace, you can bring it back. But, your taken the monkey !

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on Apr 26, 2001 - 05:01 PM
I’ll take the Chimp and put him to work detailing cars. Monkey Shines Detailing will be the name of my company.Does he eat people food?

by roscoe on Apr 28, 2001 - 08:03 PM
Freak Show told me Feed that ape what you eat. One thing is certain, he doesn’t like seafood. Otherwise, he eats almost anything. Be careful. If you set him to work detail on cars, he is liable to start eaten turtle wax like chip dip. I don’t know if he likes the wax or if he likes the turtle, but he can sure power that stuff down. Burritos and bananas!!! Do not feed him burritos and bananas! WHEW!!!

If you want this monkey for your car business, let’s figure out a deal. Maybe we can trade some detailing on my new dog house palace line. A good buff and wax on household appliances can make them look like new .

by Anonymous on Apr 28, 2001 - 11:56 PM
No deal! Your Monkey is mine, and if you want to start trouble then you ask the little fool monkey who he wants to live with? ME IS the correct answer you monkey hogging fool!

by Anonymous on May 01, 2001 - 11:02 PM
Roscoe, looks like weve got a real crack pot on the Forum. Monkey Hogging fool?

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 05:26 PM
OK Mister , it’s a done deal. Spit and a handshake that monkey is yours . No more questions, arguments, promises, warranties or refunds… He is your monkey. May he bring to you all the joy and happiness that he gave me. In some ways I hate to see him go but, in most ways I say good luck and don’t let him into the tequilas. He can be a mean drunk.



by Anonymous on May 02, 2001 - 07:02 PM
Not so fast there slicky! Keep away him away from the Tequila? I never trust a monkey that cant hold its liqour, find some other sucker! Now I recognise you for being one of those slick, fast talkin sophistimiticated con-men, I aint biten, fish is dumber waters slicky.Deals off!

by roscoe on May 02, 2001 - 07:49 PM
It’s the darnest thing, just as I thought I was stuck with that monkey I fell into a gold mine. After dinner Tater got mad because I would not let him watch Adam 12 on the telvision set. Well, he got up and ripped the air-conditioner right out of the window! As he threw a fit around the garage, the insides fell out of that air-conditioner. With a little more work and some plexi-glass , it’s going to make a great hamster or Guinea pig habitat. It needs a little more research and development because right now that motor driven exercise wheel really tuckers the little guys out. I’ll grab the sprockets and chain from an old YZ and change the gearing. Thanks to that chimpanzee, I have a new product line . I’m gonna make millions!!

by baker (google.com) on May 02, 2001 - 08:51 PM
Tread lightly my friend, I hold the Patent to the habitat cooler. My brain thought it up not your monkey.

by charlie on May 04, 2001 - 09:59 AM
Well I’m glad to see our web site is doing good service to those who need some safe place to hide. Roscoe, do you have any thing for my cat? 22 pound simese and meaner than hell. She killed 11 men in 9 minutes, she is hungry and must be fed daily, I just don’t have it in me any more, old age and being banned from Osco dosen’t help. Osco and Roscoe, they rhyme, they both treat cyapedigo, but one wears a diaper and one sells a diaper. A canoe tips and the pricks on the out side of a porcupine. Gotta go lick my wounds, thank dog I’m not injured where I can’t lick. Waiting to cage a kitty in Cadiz. The moral to this story is if you can’t remember the joke just blurt out the punch line, chances are we’ve all heard the joke before.
Help my cat.
Charlie

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on May 04, 2001 - 10:18 AM
I have an old dryer, could that be converted to a exercise wheel for a gerbil who has a bad case of giganticism? I live near a nuculer plant.

by roscoe on May 04, 2001 - 08:21 PM
Charlie, HUH ? What did Wyatt’s radioactive gerbil say to Charlie when he was hungry? Here kitty kitty! Now, that is a punch line. Has George W. Bush been writing your material? I have a monkey who’s a tree climbing, p@@p flinging brain trust compared to that babble . What do you do for a 22 lb. cat? Well, I’m not really a cat type person so I’ll just say buy nice big tupper-ware with a good seal. Otherwise, come on down to the monkey house . . .err, uh… design department. We’ll hang an old Yokohama knobby tire for a swing and put Tater to work on your new cat house.

Wyatt, you could be on to something here. If there were some way to plug this glow in the dark Super rat in to that dryer, it might be the purest form of potential energy. A rodent dynamo! Hook that beast up to a turbine and power California!

by Anonymous on May 05, 2001 - 01:47 AM
Power California? We only need just enough to shift the fault line just a tinsey bit, then my Nevada properties will finally be a smart investment.

by charlie on May 05, 2001 - 10:24 AM
Does California have a delete button? I know my cat does, you tickel that one spot and she is gone. Roscoe’s monkey found out the hard way when we visited the design department. ( Boy was that a suprise, design slum is a better description ) Washing machines stacked up with wrecked cycles every where in the mud. Dogs and monkeys peeking out of every appliance, I must say Roscoe sure tests his product before offering them up for sale. Feral hogs protected the compound and Roscoe just sat there on his porch with a shot gun across his lap. Yea, I bought one of his machines but I don’t think I will go back to pick it up, I’ll just kiss the $290 good bye and thank dog I excaped with my life. He can have the cat too!

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on May 05, 2001 - 11:57 AM
You know what they say:
Pigs get fat,
Hogs get slaughtered.

by roscoe on May 07, 2001 - 08:23 PM
That Charlie fellow called the other day and said he wanted to see the showroom. He said he wanted a dog house for his cat. I figure a sale is a sale so, I gave him directions. He sure asked a lot of questions on the telephone and when he finally got here he sure seemed nervous… Real jumpy. Kept turning around and checking his back pocket like he forgot his wallet. My guess was that he’s a cat person and the dogs must have made him skittish. He finally decided on a harvest gold Kenmorazuki . He helped cart it out to the end of the drive , paid for it, and said that he would be back to pick it up later. I haven’t seen him since. I thought, maybe he didn’t like the place but then he wrote that letter to this bulletin board thing.

I can only tell you that his eloquent word picture could only begin to capture its true majasty . To see the place at sunset, an amber cascade twinkles off motorcycle chrome and reflects from those home appliances like a fiery waterfall. It will leave you choked up on natures splinder. My true love Griselda called it “God’s Little Acre” until she run off .

by Anonymous on May 07, 2001 - 10:57 PM
Bravo!

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on May 08, 2001 - 02:44 PM
If there is one thing I knows and thats womens and Roscoe Griselda aint comin home to “Gods little Acre”. Take her things and feed em to your hogs. Maybe you should get yourself a Sheep and a pair of velcro Chaps.Sheep houses could be the next big thing. Call some old dry cleaners maybe industrial king size warshers can house a sheep suitably.

by roscoe on May 13, 2001 - 07:54 PM
That Wyatt fellow just showed an ugly side. Sheep? NO!!! I’ve been thinking. If I’m going to win Griselda back , I’m going to have to win her emotions by writing stuff and sending stuff to her. Here goes…

Ode to Griselda

She Won’t Come Back. No Matter How I Beg Her.
She Hates Me So Bad
She Burned Down The Trailer.
Those New Tires For The House Won’t Fit Nothing Else.

They Were Round, Just The Thing.
Fitting Like Her Wedding Ring.
They Were Shiney And Nice But,
Now They’re As Flat As My Hart.

She left me for some jerk. A swapmeet Picasso.
Who tattooed on her thigh, a picture
Our boozing Lhasa-Apso.
She took it with her but I’m glad,
that dog’s a mean drunk anyway.

Now I Feel Lower Than My Junk Yard Wiener Dog.
Because My Sweehart’s Run Away, With A Biker Gal Called Hog.
I’m So Sad And I’m So Blue
I Don’t Know What To Do.
I Feel Lower Than a Junk Yard Wiener Dog.

by Anonymous on May 13, 2001 - 10:46 PM
Son, its hard to compete with swap meet Picasso types. Save your writings for a real woman who will love and respect you for the Warsher/ dawg haus acceptspurt that you is. Maybe the next used warsher trade show you can find your self a woman worthy of a man with your unique talents…Sorry about the sheep joke. I know a woman who might be just right for you, she is the famous Jesco Whites (The Dancing Outlaw) sister and although she is missing,maybe, just maybe you are the one who will find this charming woman. Best of luck and more inormation on her can be found on Jescoe (Jesse or Elvis) Whites “The Dancing Outlaw” website. Good luck and keep writing your poems and convertin your warshers. Wyatt

by Anonymous on Jun 06, 2001 - 04:13 AM
I just stripped my dish washer of its little slotted racks and discovered that it was ideal for staging miniture clamation plays that had story lines based around tropical rain storms and hot humid winds. My first production will be based upon the life of “Hurricane Gussy”! Could you lend me some clay,a dishwasher,a generator,a garden hose, a spigot,a handfull of sulfur and some very small coconuts?

by roscoe on Jun 07, 2001 - 02:58 AM
Staging play productions are you? Say Mister, are you that Mathew Broderic fellow who’s married to Sara Jessica Parker? They’ve been talking about you on another part of this web site. Boy, she’s a sweetie. She sure seems busy with that hit TV show. You must have a lot of time on your hands. I don’t know about clay animation or the tools you’ll need to get started. I do have an old front load whirlpool that I will let you have cheap. I don’t have generators though I do have an old Ossa that I found crashed into a chicken coop once. . . I have no clue how it got there. I figure maybe we can hook the magnito to one of those cigarette lighter, plug-in and verters and see if we get enough juice to turn it over. As far as that other stuff, you’ll have to round it up yourself. I’m not much for those Broadway productions. I find they’re run by a bunch of hippies. I’ll tell you one thing, if I find out you are a hippie, I’ll put the dogs after you. Oh yeh Mister, its cash upfront no lending!

by roscoe on Jun 27, 2001 - 03:15 PM
The bozos running my small-cap mutual fund decided to stick with those Dot Com ventures even though they were bleeding like they had been through the slaughterhouse. They somehow didn’t understand that if the president of the United States was an oil man, they should consider investing in petroleum. It doesn’t matter the president wants to suck all the oil out from under Alaska and oil companies are gonna get fat. More power to them, I say. If the next generation X expects us to conserve and leave all the oil to them, they should wake up and smell the transmission fluid. They should get off their lazy backsides and invent a new energy source. If we conserve energy, they will just sit back and figure that there is plenty to spare. If they panic now, they will see it is necessary to be smarter and they will study harder in school.

To make along story short, the old retirement egg tanked . To try and catch up on the money situation, I’ve been out in the yard slashing prices on everything that I could see including all of the stuff that the landfill would not take. EVERYTHING MUST GO! I HACKED PRICES TO THE BARE WALLS! Even Two-Foot as a price tag. (keep in mind that he doesn’t get around quick because he only has feet on the keddy-corners. That’s why the neighborhood kids sometimes call him Wiggles or Roll-o. )

by Anonymous on Jun 29, 2001 - 12:32 AM
Dotcom kinda rhymes with Dotgone dont it?

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on Jul 10, 2001 - 11:09 PM
New energy source ideas:1. Old Politicians
2.Young Politicians
3.Dead Politicians
4.Jerry Springers Guests
5.Lawyers
6.Myopic enviromentilists
7.Stock brokers
8.Financial Advisors
9.Old Growth Redwoods
10.Manatees
11.Old Cigarette packs from behind the couch
12.Firestone Tyres
13.Outdated Maps of Russia
14. Any and all instruction manuals
15. Your neighbors limbs which hang over your yard which by the way is your property!
16. Small stuff you dont need.
17. Small stuff your neighbor does not need.
18.Worthless refrigerators that have been converted into
dog houses that rats wouldn’t even go into let alone mans best friend.
19. All loosing lottery tickets
20. Convert friction energy from scratch of lottery tickets into heat for the freezing Eskimos.

by charlie on Jul 11, 2001 - 09:22 AM
21 Joshies brain22 Mark fell down
23 Abe’s girl friend
24 self tanning lotion
25 empty beer vessels

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on Jul 11, 2001 - 07:09 PM
26,27,28 & 29. Charlies outsie belly button.

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 09:08 PM
My uncle always said “On starless nights , tires won’t smoke when you burn them”. I guess photosynthesis must have something to do with them smoking in the daylight. We’ve got plenty of them lying around now that all the SUVs have new ones. Now There is an energy source!

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 09:10 PM
My uncle always said “On starless nights , tires won’t smoke when you burn them”. I guess photosynthesis must have something to do with them smoking in the daylight. We’ve got plenty of them lying around now that all the SUVs have new ones. Now There is an energy source!

by roscoe on Jul 31, 2001 - 09:16 PM
Well the big inventory reduction sale is over and anything left has been pushed into the ravine. A bit of good luck though… I had an old Nordge prototype that I suspected was worth something. I kept a tarp over it special, to keep water out and the bird stuff off of it. Rather than letting it go to somebody real cheap, I decided to sell it on the Internet . Well , the bidding went nuts. I ended up selling to some computer fellow from Seattle, Washington (the state). You wouldn’t believe by looking at it , but that washing machine was worth a bundle ! That’s it folks , it’s early retirement for me .

I’ve been sitting here for a few days wondering; what do I do with that G O B of money? I’ve always liked racing. It didn’t matter, anything that had wheels would do. Big wheels, bicycles, motorcycles were all fun. Now, I get a bunch of cash and I want to go fast! My first incline… NASCAR!! Load your checkbook and buddies in a truck and go racing. Second, I figure do that gumball rally, just like the great actor Gary Busey. Then I figure, settle down and take it easy. I tell myself “Don’t spend that money to fast “. There’s a lot of this world I haven’t seen yet and it’s time I did. So I bought back that motorhome from Freak Show and turned to the horizon. I’m hitting the road. Tater, Lorileelee and I are off to find waves of amber grain, mountains majestic, and seas shining. Here we come, Michigan !

by wyatt (wyatt@teammooch.com) on Aug 01, 2001 - 12:04 AM
Worlds largest cherry pie was made in Michigan near that big lake in a
town who’s name I cant recall, but dont miss it its the real deal!