Saturday, October 18, 2008

Free Food With Purchase of Car

The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should

be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the

assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt.

People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.

-- Cicero , 55 BC
For lovers of good writing, these are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest -- AKA, Dark and Stormy Night Contest -- run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University, wherein one writes only the first line of a bad novel:

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows , the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep...Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."

4) " Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."


1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gasping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, 'You lied!'"



At 1:04 PM , Blogger Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I kind of liked the frog passage.

At 5:09 PM , Blogger The Fool said...

I'll vote for the monkey! And I got a real smile from these lines...there are some charms there. Thanks!

At 4:15 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Doc: Frogs are cool.

fool: You can never go wrong with the monkey.

At 9:16 AM , Blogger Toby said...

The winner made me laugh harder than I laughed at all the others.

Sorry Josh Williams, I don't get around much, I'm 40 ;-). But if you invite me to compete I'll bet I'll be in the top 12.


At 10:03 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: Don't sell yourself short, you could write the next "dark and stormy night."

At 12:01 PM , Blogger Toby said...

Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I don't own as many monkey butlers as you.

The next time you go to my blog, please take your time. The top stuff, I let it all out on my own, the bottom long and dragged out stuff I felt I had to. Tell me what you think. I don't know you personally, but for some reason I value your opinions, hence the "josh votes" thing.

At 4:36 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

toby: I liked your post. I only question your judgment when you stated that you value my opinion...I also do not have a huge simian collection, I keep the monkeys down to the proper state minimum that does not require a license.

At 4:50 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Thank you.. for the info. I was not aware your state has laws banning a certain amount of simians. Even though most of mine love riding in the trunk, I'll make sure most of them are there when traveling through.

At 10:51 AM , Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Good stuff.

At 11:26 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: Thank you sir.

At 1:14 PM , Blogger Zen Wizard said...

These reminded me of that "Best first paragraph ever written" (in my opinion) which was in a science fiction novel--

"The last man alive sat down to dinner. There was a knock at the door."

At 3:57 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Zen: Love the paragraph thingy in advance. I normally do not comment before someone comments but it is approaching Halloween, so this will freak everyone one out big time.

At 4:00 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Wait a minute, now I am freaking out, I commented before you but...Very scary, yet as I sit back I think, I wonder if that girl at Costco that I saw who made eye contact with and spoke with will be their tomorrow at 10:am sharp! I sure do hope so, I really think we clicked.


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