Good Solid Advice

I've been working on a new advice column for off-road cyclists. My approach is to some unorthodox but who am I to judge. I was asked a question about vomit and snot and this saqe wisom was all I had to offer. Trust me advising aint easy...JW


THE ANSWER
‘Twas a cool spring morning and the shadow cast by the sun made my silhouette while riding look short and dumpy. I stood straight on my pegs and looked down to see if I really was fat, when I confirmed that I was still svelte I looked up, just in time to swerve and miss a man standing in the trail in a bear suit! I lost control while plunging downward off the side of the mountain. Soon (seconds, minutes, hours?) my rear wheel hit the ground and I was to regain control of my bike just before I plunged through what appeared to be a razor wire fence, I looked down to see if I was cut into a million pieces and looked up just in time to see I was about to plunged into a huge pool of what appeared to be human vomit! I stopped chin deep standing on my pegs, engine at a slow idle, still running thanks to my “Brand Z” air cleaner. I stood balanced in the vile pool and carefully surveyed my predicament. A man in a hasmat suit approached me with a bucket and threw the contents at me, I heard him chuckle when he said “snot”, I leapt onto my seat and pulled my “Brand X” riding jersey over my helmet which blocked the viscous mess from hitting in my face. I then dropped the shirt, reached down with my super gripper “Brand Z” riding boots and blipped the throttle on my “Brand Z” auto clutch motorcycle. I was soon out of the pool thanks to the super traction my “Brand Z” tires afforded. I took a quick spin around the military like compound and realized I had stumbled upon a the top secret research center maintained by the NSA who I had heard tell from “Source Z” was used to develop ways to deliver and decipher secret codes in human vomit, very covert, very dangerous! I high tailed it through the hole in the fence and caught my squid riding mates in no time. They all laughed at the story and my vile stench. Well let me assure you dear readers the truth is sometimes just plain gross, the truth ain’t always roses. I hope you found this helpful and ride on. JW