Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Good Solid Advice



I've been working on a new advice column for off-road cyclists. My approach is to some unorthodox but who am I to judge. I was asked a question about vomit and snot and this saqe wisom was all I had to offer. Trust me advising aint easy...JW


THE ANSWER
‘Twas a cool spring morning and the shadow cast by the sun made my silhouette while riding look short and dumpy. I stood straight on my pegs and looked down to see if I really was fat, when I confirmed that I was still svelte I looked up, just in time to swerve and miss a man standing in the trail in a bear suit! I lost control while plunging downward off the side of the mountain. Soon (seconds, minutes, hours?) my rear wheel hit the ground and I was to regain control of my bike just before I plunged through what appeared to be a razor wire fence, I looked down to see if I was cut into a million pieces and looked up just in time to see I was about to plunged into a huge pool of what appeared to be human vomit! I stopped chin deep standing on my pegs, engine at a slow idle, still running thanks to my “Brand Z” air cleaner. I stood balanced in the vile pool and carefully surveyed my predicament. A man in a hasmat suit approached me with a bucket and threw the contents at me, I heard him chuckle when he said “snot”, I leapt onto my seat and pulled my “Brand X” riding jersey over my helmet which blocked the viscous mess from hitting in my face. I then dropped the shirt, reached down with my super gripper “Brand Z” riding boots and blipped the throttle on my “Brand Z” auto clutch motorcycle. I was soon out of the pool thanks to the super traction my “Brand Z” tires afforded. I took a quick spin around the military like compound and realized I had stumbled upon a the top secret research center maintained by the NSA who I had heard tell from “Source Z” was used to develop ways to deliver and decipher secret codes in human vomit, very covert, very dangerous! I high tailed it through the hole in the fence and caught my squid riding mates in no time. They all laughed at the story and my vile stench. Well let me assure you dear readers the truth is sometimes just plain gross, the truth ain’t always roses. I hope you found this helpful and ride on. JW

13 Comments:

At 4:57 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

I bougt a new computer.Have a hell of a time posting photos, and notice that since I am not using netscape my info bar is way down there...I would ask for advice but I would not listen, I'm far to busy dispensing the garbage errr....Offering sage wisdom, thats it!

 
At 6:44 PM , Blogger sombrero11 said...

You are the man in the bear suit. The motorcycle rider is everyman and the pool of vomit represents mankind's need for the illusion of order in a chaotic world.

The squid are a red herring.

 
At 10:20 PM , Blogger Mone said...

does it has to be vomit?
how about whiskey jello?

 
At 2:26 AM , Blogger Strow said...

so what you are saying is the man in the bear suit was drunk....or was it you???

I am lost. Plpease help me understand your blog.

Thanks for the comments on mine.

 
At 4:23 AM , Blogger Toby said...

I was asked to look at another's blog with IE the other day and noticed it was screwy. I also looked at yours and saw the stuff on the right was at the bottom. IE is a piece of poop.

IE is the man in the bear suit.

 
At 4:29 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Sombrero11: You nailed everything, the squid even, they represent my riding peers, I call them squid so as to keep their self esteem low.

Mone: As an artist I could never allow it to be whiskey jello, as much as I want to please you I have to keep my "Integrity,Integrity,Integrity."


Strow: I hear your cry for help, I just don't know myself I think I'll go with Sombrero11's interprtation, and yes I do agree with him that Wingdings is a useless font. Your welcome , same to ya.

 
At 4:31 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toby: SHit IE is the man in the bear suit! SHIT! IE IS THE MAN IN THE BEAR SUIT! Hows Firefox?

 
At 4:49 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Firefox is the shit. Download it at your earliest convenience. Kick IE to the curb.

 
At 6:57 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toby: Cool Beans!

 
At 3:03 AM , Blogger josh williams said...

Toby: Fire Fox is the shit, I downloaded transfered understand as much about it already that I do struggling with IE in 15 minutes, it let me post a picture. Fire Fox is the shit!

 
At 4:43 AM , Blogger Mone said...

I should download Fire Fox to!!

 
At 4:56 AM , Blogger Toby said...

Yep!

 
At 5:02 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

Mone/Toby: Big double yep!

 

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