Saturday, December 08, 2007

My Job May be Lost

I write the tips column for my sailing club. I really am not very knowledgeable when it comes to the sea and such but I do love the sea so it goes.This was my last post and I fear it could be my last because I really do not offer tips, I just ramble. I love to ramble at the expense of my job I will risk rambling.

Bailors Tips:
I had called in a favor from the ghost of Captain Teach aka Black beard, he knocked on the door of the mens room my temporary quarters since Black Sam stole the Queen Anne’s Revenge. We laughed shook hands, head butted and then wandered out and sat down in the shelter house. I poured him a tall rum, I waited then after a few long draws on his mug I told him we needed to rid our club of these pesky pirates and to reclaim our ship the Queen Anne’s Revenge. He was hip to this idea, other than the part of it being our ship, he boasted he stole it fair and square and I was just his little cabin boy taking care of his Ship. I told him his ship had long been under the Atlantic waves and the boat I refereed to was a replica with upgrades. I assured him I had built it with the same very pinchers that hunt and peck out this tale; he was quite, almost as if he understood.
After I had refilled his mug several times he stood straight and tall, around 6’7” tall in pirate boots, he put one hand on his cutlass raised his mug and declared “ where lies the QAR2? (Queen Anne’s Revenge 2) I pointed to the bobbing light in Crappie Cove and he said “you got any Inviso Spray 5,000”? I said no but I think ACE carry’s it, so off we went and bought all they had in stock. If you are not familiar with Inviso Spray 5,000 listen up it is one heck of a product. What it does and don’t ask me how but if you spray it on something, say anything, the object becomes invisible to the naked eye. Case in fact, so invisible that a few years ago the company had a huge ad campaign under way, they covered all their inventory with Inviso Spray 5,000 to show how effective it was, a senior vice president of the company panicked and called the police the next day and told them the entire warehouse had been robbed. The police investigated and after a few days realized that the warehouse had not been robbed but the product was invisible. The advertising firm was promptly fired and they had to spray the entire the warehouse with primer so they could find their product to relabel, insurance did not cover any of the expense’s something about an “act of moron” clause.
I asked captain Tatch (teach aka Black Beard) what we were going to do with all these cans of Inviso Spray 5,000? He turned to me and laughed and drove straight into the gin pole, which pretty much totaled my Country Squire. Note to self, pirates can navigate a sailboat around the most complex coral reef formations. However this does not qualify them to drive a car… Another lesson learned, I am becoming so wise I can hardly wait to become wiser, or do I dread the wisdom just waiting around the corner to jump me like a pirate on merchant ship.
I ask Teach why did we need Inviso Spray 5,000, he explained that he was disgusted with all these pirates lurking and it was he was just trying to help rid of us of the problem so he could head back to Bath NC to check on his buried treasure. I then asked him again, why we needed all this Inviso Spray 5,000 and he laughed then had a coughing fit and then fell asleep. Black Beard is feared throughout the ages but I think his snoring has caused more damaged than all his piracy. I quickly grabbed a stick and poked him in the ribs to wake him up; I asked him what his plan was? He said simple, you will row out to the QAR2 and git yerself caught real good by the pirates. You will fight back but then give in and tell them Capin’ Tatch will soon be on their trail cause he and I were best of buds, then when they torture me to find out where his treasure is buried, I should let them torture me for dramatic affect, he suggested I let it go on and on and after awhile I will then act like its is to much and tell them its in the Dry Tortugas, but there is a map somewhere in Key West, that is all I know, and then I am to pass out .
I was not sold on this plan but followed through and it worked like a charm, and if you ever want to know what if a thumbscrew hurts, yes it does. The next morning all the Queen Anne’s Revenge was empty and none other than my long lost cousin Tailer shook me awake. He told me the whole lot of pirates had set off for Key West searching for the map to Black Beards treasure, he explained he was just trying to keep them at bay and apologized for gunnel hauling me and stealing my boat…. Not five minutes later a boat tied up to the QAR2 and on climbed Black Beard. He laughed and laughed, those damn fool pirates fell for it, It was a risky plan but by my first love the sea it worked. He continued thanks Bailer and Tailer I could not have done it without you, years and years this has been going on and now I can finally go to a undisclosed location and check on my treasure. I lifted my head off the rum sodden deck and said Bath? Teach glared at me and said “who put that fool idea in your head” and then all went black, I think right after he hit me with an oar. When I woke up I was on the back deck and Teach was at the helm Tailer standing beside him smoking a pipe. I again raised my head and asked Captain Teach why did we need all the Inviso Spray 5,000 he replied, “where’s your sense of fun boy” and asked Tailer for the oar and then everything went black. I woke again, and raised my entire body from the deck made sure I was an oars length away from Teach and asked him for some tips, he smiled and said tips? I have some tips for ya.

1: When ever I try to rally my crew I steal a bit of Shakespeare’s St. Crispens Day Speech I tailor it a bit for each situation but it always works like a charm. My favorite bit goes something like this We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,

2: Check on your boat when it’s in harbor or on trailer, and if you see another sailor with problems let em know.

3. Spraying down your cooler with Inviso Spray 5,000 will save you a king’s ransom in cool drinks.

4. Take care of all your boat chores that can be done ashore during the coming winter darkness at least stuff that can be done beside the fire.

5. Hook up with some of the hearty souls who brave the winter to sail, heck even in Feb we have at least one day that is 60 degrees, or so I am told.

6. Although I be a pirate I will not forget a fellow sailor, ye all be my friends, even Bailer.


At 1:30 PM , Blogger Helen Mansfield said...

What's to know about the sea? It's salty, and, in certain places, you can find schools of hypodermic needles swimming along.

As to your previous post, I don't know whether I am more offended by the sight of the woman's vajayjay, or the odd little person revealing said vajayjay.

It is art though. I'll give ya that.

At 6:00 PM , Blogger josh williams said...

helen: Thank you, your correct on all counts.


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